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The European Space Agency said they’ll unveil a photo of Sagittarius A, the black hole at the center of the Milky Way Galaxy. They say it’s the first-ever photo taken of a black hole, a claim disputed by the publishers of Black Tail magazine.

A man traveling from Lithuania to Italy was surprised to find he was the only passenger on a 188 seat charter jet. The airline refused his request for a first class upgrade.

Lauren Miranda, a junior high math teacher, is suing her school for firing her after a student found a topless selfie she took years ago. Her lawyer said she’s an excellent teacher, since the student calculated the circumference of her breasts with geometry.

The Alliance of American Football ceased operations effective immediately. It’s unclear whether season ticket holders will receive refunds, because league officials don’t know if anyone was dumb enough to buy them.

According to website Nameberry, the top ‘trendy’ baby names in the first quarter of 2019 were Posie for girls and Milo for boys. Jane and Floyd were the top names of bullies who will make life hell for Posie and Milo in a few years.

Lori Lightfoot was elected as the first black female, openly gay, mayor of Chicago. Her inauguration will be a low-key affair, with just a few close family & friends invited to a staged hate crime.

Homosexuality and adultery are now punishable with death by stoning in Brunei. The United States Supreme Court upheld the decision 5-4, just for the hell of it.

After his ejection for a second technical foul, Golden State Warriors Kevin Durant called referee Zach Zarba a “bitch ass motherf*cker”. Durant will likely not lose any endorsements, recently filming an ad for his sponsor American Family Insurance saying “these bitch ass motherf*ckers can save you a lot on your home & auto policies.”

An American tourist and his driver were kidnapped by armed men in a national park in Uganda, threatening the less-than-$10,000/year Ugandan Tourism Industry.

Kim Kardashian said she’s asked by daughter North why they’re famous. Kardashian said her typical reply is ” daddy is a singer, performer, artiste” adding “Mommy..has so many talents I can’t begin to name them.” To which the five-year-old replied “I thought it was the movie of you banging that guy.”

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To protect against active shooters, faculty and students at Oakland University in Michigan are being given hockey pucks to defend themselves. They’re being told to throw the pucks at armed killers, because hockey sticks aren’t in the budget. 

A Dallas wedding photographer was kicked out of the reception and arrested after having sex with a guest & urinating on a tree. The guest who had sex with her was allowed to stay, the newlyweds are awaiting their proofs, and the photographer took her own mugshot. 

The new Alliance of American Football had their first ever ‘Quarterback draft’ to select players for the eight teams in the new league. Recently cut Buffalo Bills quarterback Nathan Peterman went undrafted. Said a league spokesman “come on, we’re not that desperate.”

In an interview with the New York Post, President Trump predicted that he’ll never win a Nobel Peace Prize, then took a break to call U.S. Border Patrol agents to see how the tear-gassing of women and children was going. 

Chuck Holton, a correspondent appearing on NRATV, told show host Dana Loesch “we need to train our boys” to charge at active shooters — adding that he’s seen the tactic work countless times in Iron Man and Captain America movies. 

Quentin Tarantino married his longtime girlfriend, singer Daniella Pick. The couple celebrated their first dance as man & wife while the wedding party stood in a circle around them pointing handguns at each other. 

Southwest Airlines apologized to the family of a 5-year-old girl, Abcde [pronounced ‘AB-city’] Redford, after a gate agent mocked the girl’s name in person and on social media. Abcde’s mom said it isn’t her daughter’s fault she was named while giving birth during a field sobriety test. 

A detective is suing the NYPD, claiming that his female boss shoved her dirty underwear in his mouth after he criticized her hanging them in a unisex station bathroom. He is seeking undisclosed damages and reimbursement for gallons of Listerine.

The Chinese government has ordered an end to the controversial trial of gene-editing babies – at least until a team of government experts decides on the right price to charge billionaires for a gene-edited baby. 

At the L.A. Auto Show, Hyundai introduced the 2020 Hyundai Palisade, a 3-row SUV that seats 8 Americans or 20 Koreans. 

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Officers at The Vatican arrested and incarcerated Monsignor Carlo Capella on charges he uploaded and viewed child pornography. The Vatican charged him with hogging the computer while other clergy were waiting to do the same.

73-year-old former NFL and NCAA head coach Steve Spurrier has been named Head Coach of the Orlando team in the new Alliance of American Football. He’s expected to start work just as soon as he clears the league’s Dementia Protocol.

The Alliance of American Football is scheduled to begin play the week after the 2019 NFL Super Bowl with eight teams. It’s intended as an alternate league for pro football players to build or extend careers, and as an elaborate ruse so Donald Trump will quit his job to own a football team again.

The remaining seven Alliance of American Football teams have yet to be announced, but league officials will make the home cities public just as soon as they register with their respective bankruptcy courts.

A White House official told CNN that President Trump has begun early preparations for a potential interview with Special Counsel Robert Mueller. The preparations involve Trump identifying basic shapes and colors so that he can become reacquainted with actually telling the truth.

An Oklahoma mom posted that she’s “embarrassed” that her seven-year-old daughter’s textbook is the same one used by country superstar Blake Shelton in 1982. Shelton’s name was hand-printed on the inside front cover, and his high school senior year book report on it was tucked inside the back cover.

Singer Demi Lovato posted Instagram pictures of her stretch marks, extra fat and cellulite.  She shared the photos to show fans that she still loves her body even though it isn’t perfect.  In return, she was thanked by thousands of male creeps.

Conor McGregor was stripped of his UFC Lightweight Championship after McGregor threw a hand truck through a UFC bus window. He faces charges of felony criminal mischief and misdemeanor assault. The charges are a heavy betting favorite to win.

With McGregor out, the new undisputed UFC Lightweight Champion is Khabib Nurmagomedov – also from Ireland.

Facebook is planning to inform users if they were among the 87 million whose data was illegally obtained by Cambridge Analytica – leading to an estimated 50 million new Likes for Cambridge Analytica.

During a concert by singer Andrea Bocelli, the Lucca Philharmonic Orchestra in Pisa, Italy was conducted by a robot. Between songs, orchestra members took turns olive-oiling it.