75 NFL players tested positive for COVID-19 in the last two days. Over 100 others submitted COVID self-test swabs covered in ear wax and are believed to have mild-to-severe concussions.

Congress agreed to raise the federal debt limit by $2.5 trillion, with all the representatives & senators splitting the 2.5 trillion spending reward points equally.

A Disney actor playing Cinderella’s Lady Tremaine at Disney World said she, and other English-speaking characters, are only permitted to speak English. If someone asks her a question in Spanish, she replies “beats me..go find the Coco characters”.

New research shows therapods – three-toed, carnivorous dinosaurs – ran as fast as 27 miles per hour when chasing food. Or, even faster if a fresh batch of crab legs was dropped off at the buffet.

Caitlyn Jenner said she won’t return to the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel because they denied her entry for wearing ripped jeans. That, and the ripped jeans showed she hadn’t shaved her legs in a month.

Tenor Andrea Bocelli will perform at a 50-person private New York City event costing $20,000 per ticket. Bocelli is expected to perform ‘Time To Say Goodbye..to $20,000′.

Real Housewives of New York cast member Leah McSweeney said she’s giving vibrators to her girlfriends this Christmas. She says they make the perfect stocking-stuffer or, more likely, cozy-pajama-stuffer.

A family in South Africa had a boomslang, a highly poisonous snake, living in their fully-decorated Christmas tree. A snake handler arrived and took nearly two hours to capture it, mainly because the snake kept asking to have its Christmas Card picture retaken.

New York named Keechant Sewell to be the city’s first black woman Police Commissioner. She’s expected to announce that the 19% of NYPD officers who identify as female can wear dark blue sweatpants.

Sibling vocal trio Girl Named Tom won Season 21 of reality singing competition The Voice. They’ll now join other past champions to compete against being forgotten about in a week.

Officers at The Vatican arrested and incarcerated Monsignor Carlo Capella on charges he uploaded and viewed child pornography. The Vatican charged him with hogging the computer while other clergy were waiting to do the same.

73-year-old former NFL and NCAA head coach Steve Spurrier has been named Head Coach of the Orlando team in the new Alliance of American Football. He’s expected to start work just as soon as he clears the league’s Dementia Protocol.

The Alliance of American Football is scheduled to begin play the week after the 2019 NFL Super Bowl with eight teams. It’s intended as an alternate league for pro football players to build or extend careers, and as an elaborate ruse so Donald Trump will quit his job to own a football team again.

The remaining seven Alliance of American Football teams have yet to be announced, but league officials will make the home cities public just as soon as they register with their respective bankruptcy courts.

A White House official told CNN that President Trump has begun early preparations for a potential interview with Special Counsel Robert Mueller. The preparations involve Trump identifying basic shapes and colors so that he can become reacquainted with actually telling the truth.

An Oklahoma mom posted that she’s “embarrassed” that her seven-year-old daughter’s textbook is the same one used by country superstar Blake Shelton in 1982. Shelton’s name was hand-printed on the inside front cover, and his high school senior year book report on it was tucked inside the back cover.

Singer Demi Lovato posted Instagram pictures of her stretch marks, extra fat and cellulite.  She shared the photos to show fans that she still loves her body even though it isn’t perfect.  In return, she was thanked by thousands of male creeps.

Conor McGregor was stripped of his UFC Lightweight Championship after McGregor threw a hand truck through a UFC bus window. He faces charges of felony criminal mischief and misdemeanor assault. The charges are a heavy betting favorite to win.

With McGregor out, the new undisputed UFC Lightweight Champion is Khabib Nurmagomedov – also from Ireland.

Facebook is planning to inform users if they were among the 87 million whose data was illegally obtained by Cambridge Analytica – leading to an estimated 50 million new Likes for Cambridge Analytica.

During a concert by singer Andrea Bocelli, the Lucca Philharmonic Orchestra in Pisa, Italy was conducted by a robot. Between songs, orchestra members took turns olive-oiling it.

Crayola is being criticized for naming its new crayon ‘Bluetiful’ – with some saying it sends a bad message because Bluetiful is neither a color or a word. “It’s both now, bitches!” said a foul-mouthed girl who really likes to color.

Verizon will stop offering cell phone service in some areas of rural Montana, angering businesses as well as cattle who enjoy talking to friends & family in far away pastures.

President Trump angered critics by retweeting a gif depicting him hitting a golf ball that drills Hillary Clinton, causing her to fall as she boards a jet. Trump then cheated by not taking a two-stroke penalty for losing his ball out of bounds.

Vice President Mike Pence’s press secretary is leaving, said a White House source close enough to know that Mike Pence has actually had a press secretary all this time.

At a White House dinner to discuss DACA with President Trump, Democrat Nancy Pelosi reportedly rebutted interruptions by asking “Do the women get to talk around here?” — at which point Melania Trump silently shook her head side-to-side.

Pro-Trump “Mother Of All Rallies” in Washington, D.C. drew around 1,000 people instead of the million they’d targeted, making it the Absentee Mother Of All Rallies.

The Pewaukee, Wisconsin school district is requiring “dress-wearing” students planning to attend school dances to submit a photo of themselves wearing the dress. School officials will approve or reject the dress based on the school’s dress code, and gay male students will send feedback on how to look even more fabulous.

Serena Williams’ infant daughter Alexis Ohanian Jr already has her own Instagram account, and has already unfollowed Kendall Jenner.

September 16th is the most popular U.S. birth date, according to a Harvard professor, and according to women who got desperate around Christmas and New Year’s Eve.

U.S. home ownership rates are at their lowest level since the 1960s. New research says a big reason is that millennials value experiences over possessions; and an even bigger reason is that baby boomers favor screwing millennials over paying them fairly.

In Pisa, Italy, a robot conducted the Lucca Philharmonic Orchestra during a concert by opera singer Andrea Bocelli. After the show, an attractive cellist broke off an affair she’d been having with the conductor by unplugging him.