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A 7-year-old boy in Perkasie, Pennsylvania found a cache of hand grenades in his backyard. The boy is unharmed, but successfully negotiated three straight nights of ice cream for dinner.

The Pennsylvania Turnpike Commission, which no longer uses human toll-takers, said their system of billing users by scanning license plates has left them with over $100 million in unpaid tolls, over $30,000 from a vehicle known only as FAK-PLAT.

New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez attended the Met Gala in a white floor-length gown with the phrase TAX THE RICH in red letters on the back. Fashion experts said the gown was exquisite, and her ass looked RICH.

Gay rapper Lil Nas X also attended the Met Gala, then left to attend an orgy, the Meat Gala.

Russian President Vladimir Putin is reportedly quarantining after several cases of COVID-19 broke out in his entourage. Meanwhile, Putin’s COVID-positive associates are being treated with bullets.

Tanya Fear, a British actress who appeared in the series ‘Doctor Who‘, has been found after being reported missing in Los Angeles. Los Angeles Police enlisted the help of Doctor Where.

A 22-year-old woman disappeared while on a cross-country trip with her boyfriend. She was last seen in person on August 23rd, and last seen online August 24th where she Tinder matched with a grizzly bear.

Rapper Blueface faces assault charges after violently attacking the doorman at a California club. The doorman was taken to an area hospital, where he is now known as Bruiseface.

Nicki Minaj was dragged on Twitter for a post claiming her cousin’s friend’s wedding was called off after he received the COVID vaccine and his testicles became swollen. Minaj reportedly had the vaccine in her buttocks and those got really big also.

Apple issued an Urgent Software Update to protect against a vulnerability in its iMessage platform – adding that the iOS download and install is the most important three hours you’ll spend today.

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A Christopher Columbus statue was removed in Chicago. It took over a thousand gunshots to bring down.

Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez spoke on the House floor about being insulted and called a “f*cking b*tch” by fellow Rep Ted Yoho. Yoho is retiring from Congress to finally live the life of a pirate.

One Direction celebrated their ten-year anniversary, leaving many to wonder if they, too, should celebrate their anniversaries after they broke up.

The CDC released controversial guidelines in favor of children returning to school. Absenteeism will require a note signed by a coroner.

Taylor Swift’s surprise new 14-song album is getting rave reviews from critics, fans and the 14 guys who dumped her.

Friday is National Tequila Day, with revelers all set to celebrate and wake up on National Tuesday.

Pew Research released on online calculator that tells you whether you’re part of the upper, middle, or lower class. If you need to borrow a computer to use the calculator, you’re lower.

A woman viewer emailed Victoria Price – a reporter at WFLA Florida – to say she saw a small lump on her neck and to see a doctor. Price did and discovered thyroid cancer. Now, male viewers are emailing the hot meteorologist offering to check her breasts for lumps.

The NFL’s former Washington Redskins will adopt the temporary name Washington Football Team for the 2020 season. Female ex-employees modified their documentation so they’re now suing the Washington Football Team for sexual harassment.

Boston sports talk radio host Fred Toucher – whose on-air rants about subjects including his divorce concerned coworkers –  said he’s taking time off and will enter a mental institution. Listeners question whether he’ll still be qualified for sports talk radio if his mental illness is cured.

 

 

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Website 24/7 Wall Street reviewed unemployment filings to find the most secure jobs. Optometrists, veterinarians, and real estate appraisers had the highest job security; Presidential Cabinet Members had the lowest.

The searing heat in the western U.S. could raise the temperature of the pavement in Las Vegas to 147 degrees. “Come on, 150!” said a gambling addict who bet the over.

Public schools in South Dakota now display the phrase “In God We Trust” in 12-inch letters. The next challenge is giving more than half of South Dakota public school students the ability to read it.

A customer with a handgun shot two robbers at a 7-Eleven in Virginia Beach, killing one. The other was treated for internal injuries from gunshot wounds and the microwave burrito he ate during the robbery.

A Florida man is being treated for a potentially lethal infection on his buttocks caused by flesh-eating bacteria. The flesh eating bacteria are being treated for severe food poisoning.

‘Revenge Body With Khloe Kardashian’ featured a former L.A. gang member trying to get in shape at a boxing ring. The gang-banger said the boxing training was one of the hardest things he’d ever done, along with shooting people and fighting off Khloe Kardashian’s marriage proposals.

McDonald’s reported their biggest sales growth since 2012. CEO Steve Easterbrook cited new menu items, updated stores, and Americans just giving up.

A North Carolina man gave his wife a birthday cake decorated to look like her favorite thing, an Amazon delivery box. Before the party started, the cake was stolen.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi met face-to-face with Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and said afterward that they “don’t have that many differences” – overlooking their differing points of view on impeachment, and Pelosi never having been nearly that hot.

A 7 pound 11 ounce baby born on July 11 at 7:11pm was given a $7,111 college fund by 7-Eleven…who then recognized their mistake and instead gave the infant seven dollars ane eleven cents.

 

 

 

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Triclosan, an antimicrobial ingredient in deodorant, body spray & mouthwash, was shown to limit the effectiveness of antibiotics in mice. Researchers found that although the antibiotics given to mice for infections didn’t work, the body spray and mouthwash used by the mice meant they were still able to make out with chicks.

An exposé in The Verge claims that Facebook moderators screening violent & sexual content are subjected to high levels of stress, which they deal with by smoking weed and having sex on the job. They then post the sex pics on Facebook to keep coworkers busy.

A Donald Trump lookalike and a Kim Jong Un lookalike were both expelled from Vietnam prior to the summit between the U.S. & North Korean leaders. Summit organizers were worried that the lookalikes would make a mockery of the Trump/Kim summit by actually getting something done.

A Cincinnati Bengals season ticket holder is suing the team, saying he suffered shoulder damage after slipping & falling on vomit in the men’s room. The team claims that as a 20-year season ticket holder the victim should know how avoid injury from people vomiting while watching the Bengals.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly paid for sex at a Florida spa on the morning of his team’s AFC Championship Game win over the Chiefs. The appointment appeared on his calendar as “stretching with the team.”

The Buffalo Bills are looking for a new person to wear the costume of their mascot, Billy Buffalo. They must be good with children, have a valid driver’s license, and be able to perform mascot duties after housing an 18-pack of Labatt Blue during pregame tailgate.

Ivanka Trump criticized the $52,000 minimum staffer salary for Democratic Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, saying “people want to work for what they get.” As an example, Ivanka produced the stellar report card that earned her fake breasts and a nose job.

A study by the London School of Hygiene claims fecal matter can be found on 1 of every 6 smartphones — and 5 out of every 6 that downloaded the Kama Sutra app.

Target is launching its own collection of $9.99/bottle wine. Walmart declined comment, other than saying they see brisk sales of their $4.99 kits to make wine in your toilet.

Rotten Tomatoes will no longer allow audience reviews of movies prior to a film’s release, after trolls bombarded the site with negative reviews of Captain Marvel that many deemed misogynist, and negative reviews of A Madea Family Funeral that everyone deemed probably accurate.