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The U.S. Postal Service began a two-week trial transporting mail across the Southwest via self-driving trucks, to see if the trucks improve delivery times and costs. They failed to mention accuracy, as the truck arrived in New Mexico instead of Nevada, as planned.

Howard Stern said if he’d interviewed Hillary Clinton in 2016, she may have won the Presidential Election because she’d have “reached a new audience” and the interview would “humanize her” by letting her pick a stripper to get a free boob job.

Tokyo’s police department released the Digi Police app, a free app that lets women report groping and sexual misconduct on the subway and other crowded places. New York’s police are evaluating a similar app to report subway masturbators, but find most riders prefer using the camera app.

A woman delivered a baby in the parking lot of a Melbourne, Australia McDonald’s after sending her husband into the restaurant to get her a Quarter Pounder. He returned to the car, gave it to her, then drove to a hospital with a Seven Pounder.

Johnny Depp accused ex-wife Amber Heard of defecating in his bed as part of a lawsuit against her. He failed to produce the sheets as evidence, saying he’d sold them for a lot of money on eBay to some creep.

Shares of cosmetics company Avon rose 17%, as the company is rumored to be close to being sold. Avon’s CEO said you wouldn’t believe how many doorbells they had to ring to find the right buyer.

Plans are underway for Whitney Houston’s holographic likeness to star in a concert tour celebrating the late singer’s career, just as soon as the hologram can get a restraining order against Bobby Brown.

Uber is reportedly launching a new $9.99/month unlimited food delivery service, officially called Uber Eats Pass, and unofficially called Lousy Tippers.

Amazon put workstation video games in its warehouses, so that laborers advance in the game when they speedily perform tasks like packing boxes. The good news is workers are rewarded with swag for high scores, the bad news is they lose a life every time they black out from exhaustion or take a bathroom break.

Tech website CNET released its list of the Best Smartphones Under $500. Topping the list is a $1500 iPhone that you buy from whoever stole it.

 

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Six Flags in San Antonio, Texas is set to open the first Wonder Woman roller coaster. It’s not very tall, but it has great curves.

  • The ride will be called Wonder Woman – Lasso of Truth. Guys can buy pictures of their girlfriends slapping them while on the coaster, as they helplessly blurt out the names of other girls they’d rather be riding it with.

Lara Trump, President Trump’s daughter-in-law, is the host of  a “news” video airing on Trump’s Facebook page. The video, meant to tout the Trump Administration’s accomplishments of the prior week, is set to air every six months.

  • No official name for the video yet, though the Trump camp is said to be fond of ‘Face News’.

NBC announced that Sylvester Stallone will be a guest on their hit series ‘This Is Us’, or as Stallone calls it, ‘Dishes Uh’. Insiders say Stallone will make 3 really great guest appearances, then another 3 or 4 really corny ones that you’ll never admit to watching.

The 1997 Honda Accord and the 1998 Honda Civic were the most-stolen vehicles in 2016. Honda’s CEO accepted the award from the editors of ‘Hot Car & Getaway Driver’ Magazine.

  • 2006 Ford Pickups rounded out the Top 3 most stolen. Thieves praised the payload of the Ford, saying it’s big enough to hold a 1998 Honda Civic.

Kissimmee and St Cloud, Florida are the first U.S. cities to experiment with using underground dumpsters to collect and hold city trash. Other Florida cities are balking at the half-million dollar expense, saying they’ll just wait and make underground dumpsters out of the sinkholes that open up.

Transcripts of Trump’s conversations with leaders of Australia & Mexico leaked to the press, including one in which Trump called New Hampshire a “drug infested den”. In Trump’s defense, he saw the slogan on New Hampshire license plates.

The Kennedy Center announced its 2017 honorees, including Gloria Estefan, LL Cool J, Lionel Richie and Norman Lear. After the list was read, Trump hurriedly made calls to soothe the hurt feelings of devastated artists Kid Rock & Ted Nugent.

CEO Shari McCoy is resigning from Avon, saying that while she will no longer be an Avon Lady, she looks forward to new challenges selling crap out of the trunk of her car.