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Heavy metal contamination of applesauce pouches that led to an FDA recall may have been deliberate. Although workers at the applesauce factory thought something completely different when a worker threatened to give people a belly full of lead.

Parents of students at Norristown High School in suburban Philadelphia are concerned about frequent fistfights at the school. Gym teachers say kids prefer doing that in class to jumping jacks & push-ups.

Guy Fieri said he won’t leave any of his money to his two sons unless they each get two degrees – presumably a bachelor’s and a postgraduate. He quickly added that Master’s degrees from Flavortown University don’t count.

Actor Jonathan Majors was found guilty of misdemeanor assault & harassment for attacking his ex-girlfriend, and was immediately dropped as Kang The Conqueror by Marvel Studios. The court failed to accept Majors defense that his girlfriend was wearing a Captain Marvel costume.

Kelly Clarkson showed off her 50-pound weight loss in a snug top & skirt on her talk show, before singing her hit song ‘Since U Been Gone‘ to a hot fudge sundae.

A U.S. Senate report says U.S. terror watchlists are “too broad” and may violate travelers rights. “You’re telling me” said an Iraqi-American dad who’s failed six times trying to fly his family to Disney World.

A dress worn by Princess Diana sold for a record $1.14 million. Meghan Markle immediately sent Prince Harry back to London to see what else his mother might have left laying around.

NASA used a laser to transmit a cat video 19 million miles to Earth. Hearing the good news, astronauts aboard the International Space Station are taking turns using the laser to transmit their boob & dick pics to Earthbound loved ones.

Disney’s Animal Kingdom in Florida welcomed the first African elephant baby born in the park in 7 years. A GoFundMe was started for the baby elephant so it could afford to eat at Disney.

A volcano erupted in Iceland, sending molten rock 300 feet into the air. “Nope” said Santa Claus, crossing Reykjavik off his travel itinerary.

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A longtime Walmart employee used the store loudspeaker to “sign off” on her last day before leaving for a different job. The store manager then grabbed the mic and signed off five of her coworkers for going two minutes long on their cigarette break.

Tiffany Haddish explained after her second DUI that the Tesla she was driving had self-parked, but was still blocking part of the street. Officers then lifted the hood and discovered the car’s battery soaked in vodka.

Meta is being sued for knowingly collecting the personal information of children under age 13 after they signed up for Instagram in violation of age restrictions. The kids were then bombarded with targeted ads for tricycles & lollipops.

Patients suffering with ‘long COVID’ experience structural changes to their brain – according to data collected from the microchip in the vaccines they received.

A passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight opened the over-wing emergency exit and jumped out while the jet was at its departure gate. He thought sitting in the exit row required him to demonstrate what to do in the event of an emergency landing.

Hospitals in China are at full capacity with patients due to a nationwide surge in respiratory viruses. Chinese health officials say the illnesses are from existing viruses, because Wuhan lab workers haven’t finished making the new viruses yet.

A Florida pest control worker was arrested after allegedly exposing himself to two female customers. The customers say the roaches are gone, but now they have a cock problem.

A new iPhone feature allows personal information, photos & videos to be shared when two users tap their phones together. It’s called NameDrop, or, if you swipe a phone to share nudes with a stranger, BallDrop or BoobDrop.

Congressman George Santos faces a vote to expel him from Congress, but during his hearing he produced 50 huge sacks of letters from children saying they still believed in him, in Miracle On Constitution Avenue.

A driver in Malaysia knocked a baby elephant over with his car, causing five adult elephants to stomp on the car in retaliation. The baby elephant got up and walked away, and the driver’s insurance claim has been denied three times by The General.