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A massive dust cloud from the Sahara Desert is expected to reach the Gulf Coast of the United States. Donald Trump is speaking with governors in Louisiana and Mississippi to deploy his idea for the world’s largest Swiffer.

NASA is having a contest to design the best toilet for use on the lunar lander when astronauts return to the moon. The favorite so far is an entry that uses zero gravity by bolting the bowl to the ceiling.

Camille Cosby, wife of Bill Cosby, said she won’t visit him in prison because “he doesn’t want [her] to see him in that environment”. She added that Bill Cosby is legally blind, so he can’t tell who’s visiting anyway.

Google Photos is streamlining its interface to make it easier to find and organize pictures of your genitals.

Amazon bought the rights to the Seattle arena where the city’s new NHL team will play, calling it Climate Pledge Arena. They claim the arena will be ‘Zero Waste’, but when hockey games start, fans will be ‘100% Wasted’.

Model Chrissy Teigen shared Instagram video with the results of her breast reduction surgery. Male followers consider it a huge victory for every time they’ve commented “show us your boobs”.

YouTube creator Jenna Marbles is leaving the platform, having admitted to using blackface and ethnic stereotypes. A YouTube spokesperson said they regret losing their Marbles.

Viewers watching past episodes of ‘Glee’ posted about seeing dummies used as extras to fill crowd scenes during performances. Show creators are more worried about the dummies who are still watching ‘Glee’ long after its cancellation.

Despite a spike in COVID-19 infections in the state, Florida’s Disney Parks still plan to reopen in July, welcoming visitors to the Happiest Hotspot On Earth.

Chuck E. Cheese declared bankruptcy. It plans to reopen as Chuck E. Government Cheese.

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Apple announced that it’s acquiring Shazam. Soon you’ll be able to identify a song, be hounded to buy it on iTunes and lose it in an iOS update all in 10 minutes.

Bill Cosby was sentenced to 3-10 years in prison for his sexual assault conviction and was taken directly to prison. Later that day, a van carrying the Chippendale dancers appeared at Cosby’s suburban Philadelphia estate.

Dunkin Donuts will now be known only as Dunkin. So now when you send the intern out for coffee, you can just tell them to get it “anywhere but Dunkin”.

Millennials are cited as the reason for an 18% drop in the U.S. divorce rate. Not only because millennials are avoiding marriage, but because the ones living at home until they’re 30 are keeping their parents from divorcing.

Michael Kors is acquiring Versace for $2.1 billion, now we just have to worry about someone murdering Michael Kors.

Comcast bid $30 billion to acquire a stake in Europe’s Sky Broadcasting. “Alright! I hear great things!” said a Sky customer who’s been grossly misinformed.

Buckingham Palace is selling $40 replicas of Meghan Markle’s engagement ring. It comes with a faux diamond and a couple of curly red hairs stuck in the setting.

2018 is a record year for cases of West Nile virus. Mosquitos commemorated the achievement by popping open bottles of blood they’ve been saving for a special occasion.

“The most dangerous thing that U.S. children do as part of daily life is ride in a car,” writes Benjamin Hoffman, chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics Council on Injury, Violence and Poison.  “I’ll say!” said a 7-year-old driver who crashed into a tree after hijacking the family minivan to Chuck E. Cheese.

Will Smith commemorated his 50th birthday with a bungee jump from a helicopter over the Grand Canyon. He was joined by his children and his wife, Jada, who boarded the chopper after surrendering a set of hedge clippers.

A 30-year-old Florida man was arrested after he stripped naked and picked fights with passersby in a Chick-fil-A parking lot. No one fought the guy, because they were all chikn.

Hannah Storm & Andrea Kremer will be the first female NFL broadcasting duo when they call Thursday nights Vikings/Rams game for Amazon Prime. Storm is expected to do color, and Kremer is expected to tell Storm how great that color looks on her.

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Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal has been linked by the Centers for Disease Control to 100 cases of salmonella in 33 states. Honey Smacks cartoon frog mascot Dig ‘Em has been hospitalized, and will be temporarily replaced by his cousin, Puke ‘Em.

  • Kellogg’s has recalled Honey Smacks, and new boxes will be issued with a free prize inside — Immodium pills.

Build-a-Bear locations were overwhelmed by the stores’ “Pay Your Age” promotion – with stuffed bear kits offered at $1/year of a child’s age – and turned away thousands of angry and disappointed families. EMTs were called to several locations where Bear employees were mauled by moms.

In Washington state, a robber broke into a business housing several ‘escape rooms’, but then called 911 when he couldn’t find a way out. Police arrested the burglar, 40-year-old Rye Wardlaw, and forced him to hold up signs reading “I’m a dummy” and “I couldn’t get out” for his booking photo.

At Wasco State Prison in California, a 66-year-old convicted child molester was beaten to death by a 19-year-old fellow inmate within days of his arrival. Prison officials are investigating. Kinda.

  • A spokesman for Welcome Wagon said that the 19-year-old prisoner’s franchise had been revoked.

President Trump and First Lady Melania arrived in London to meet with British Prime Minister Theresa May. Mr. Trump said that the infamous “Trump Baby” blimp flying above protests in London made him “uncomfortable”. Melania Trump said privately that the blimp holding her hand made her feel “embarrassed”.

Bill Cosby turned 81 on Thursday, celebrating with a party at his home featuring a jazz band. His wife Camille gave a toast, but then everybody asked if they could pour themselves a fresh drink before clinking glasses and drinking to the guest of honor.

A 35-year-old woman went to a Dijon, France emergency room complaining of a tingling sensation in her legs. Doctors x-rayed her, then found and removed a larval dog tapeworm lodged in her spine. The woman was given anti-parasitic medication and the tapeworm was returned to her favorite French restaurant.

Officials in Illinois and Ohio are investigating reports of food borne illness believed to be caused by McDonald’s salads. So far the illness has been found in zero people and hundreds of mice.

‘Roseanne’ was nominated for two Emmys —  Best Supporting Actress in a comedy for Laurie Metcalf; and an editing nomination.  A third Emmy, Best Decision To Cancel a Comedy, is still under consideration.

Preliminary pricing has been announced for Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin space tourism offering. Two sources state tickets will go between $200,000 and $300,000 – but carry-ons cost extra.