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Masturbation abstinence ‘nofap’ groups are growing in popularity online. Men say they’re a great way to regain control of your life, and to get awesome ‘please come back to Pornhub Premium’ discount offers.

Real estate website Zillow projects Buffalo, NY to be 2024’s “hottest housing market”, as Zillow experts tried, and failed, to find a better adjective to describe Buffalo home sales.

Rizo Lopez Foods is recalling multiple grocery-stores cheeses including Oaxaca, Blanco Suave, Ricotta & Panela for lethal listeria contamination, which has reportedly already taken the lives of exotic Mexican cheese-eating mice.

Toyota announced plans to build new 3-row, all-electric SUVs in Kentucky, then ship them to states where people know how to use electricity to charge them before they’re sold.

Squatters in Atlanta were arrested for occupying a home and running an illegal strip club in it. The house was eventually listed for sale with 3 bathrooms and 4 Champagne Rooms.

Actor/comedian Kumail Nanjiani said he sought therapy to deal with bad reviews of Marvel’s ‘The Eternals’, in which he co-starred. He got the name of the therapist from Brie Larson, who uses them after every ‘Captain Marvel’ movie appearance.

Kanye West said he’s having difficulty booking arena shows due to his antisemitic rants. But he’s also pretty revved up about his upcoming tour of Iraq, Iran & Syria.

ESPN, Fox Sports & Warner Discovery are teaming up to launch a new streaming service dedicated to sports. Cable companies Xfinity, Spectrum & Cox announced they’re launching a new streaming service dedicated to telling customers their Internet bill is going up.

Travis Kelce’s mom, Donna, revealed that ‘pricey’ multi-million-dollar Super Bowl suites may force her to sit in a ‘regular’ seat. Or, ideally, to just stay home, drink wine and watch the Puppy Bowl without having to hug Taylor Swift every 15 minutes.

For the second straight year, U.S. liquor sales outpaced sales of beer & wine. The spirits industry said sales remain strong because of vodka, tequila, and a surge in the number of healthy livers for transplant.

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The centuries-old Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris suffered extensive damage in a massive fire. The Catholic Church said they’ll rebuild while conceding it’ll be a lot tougher than 850 years ago finding slaves to do the work.

  • President Trump tweeted during the blaze that Parisian firefighters should consider flying water tankers to extinguish it. That plan was never enacted due to the potential collateral damage soaking nearby bakeries & pastry shops.
  • Students from Leonia High School in New Jersey were at the historic cathedral just minutes before the fire. After the fire started, they said it reminded them of home.

An Israeli man on a fundraising tour through Orthodox Jewish communities in U.S. cities infected 39 different people with the measles. The man has been hospitalized and is receiving the largest chicken soup infusion ever.

Google researched employees to find what its best teams do to stay happy. They found 3 things: Allowing mindless chatter; switching times of recurring meetings; & active listening. A fourth thing, rolling in piles of money from selling Google stock, was common to all teams, not just the best ones.

Senator Bernie Sanders appeared in a Fox News ‘Town Hall’ meeting in his home state of Vermont. Sanders was cheered by the crowd when he discussed his ‘Medicaid For All’ plan, then was cheered louder when discussing anything related to maple syrup.

Seattle Seahawks QB Russell Wilson became the highest-paid player in NFL history, signing a contract paying $140 million over the next four years. His salary averages out to $35 million per season, or just over $2 million per concussion.

Lawyers for Robert Kraft appeared in a Florida courtroom, saying the police report that describes spa employees “manipulating Kraft’s penis” is so graphic that releasing video is unnecessary. The video has been requested by news agencies, and by other massage parlors for new-hire orientation training.

An Australian couple stranded 26 hours in crocodile-infested waters was rescued after etching “HELP” in mud that could be seen from the air. Rescuers persisted, even after the crocodiles had etched “NEVERMIND” in the mud below the original note.

Leaked clips of ‘Avengers: Endgame’ circulated on social media, angering superfans who don’t want to know that Captain America dies breaking up a catfight between Black Widow and Captain Marvel.

A Florida man was arrested for using a squirt gun to shoot his urine at a woman walking her dog past his home. He admitted to police that the gun contained his urine, but later denied it when attempting to return the gun to Five Below.

  • “Sure, why not?” was the reply when a reporter asked an NRA spokesman if they supported his actions.

Lori Loughlin and husband Mossimo Giannulli pleaded not guilty to felony charges of mail fraud and money laundering in the Operation Varsity Blues scandal. Through attorneys, they look forward to the last two minutes of a fair trial where everyone has learned a valuable lesson.

 

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Education Secretary Betsy DeVos defended federal spending cuts that would eliminate government funding for Special Olympics. Although insiders say a scaled-back plan is in the works to keep funding the games, while eliminating the pole vault and javelin events.

Rapper Cardi B is under fire for admitting to luring men to hotels for sex, then drugging and robbing them. She claims to have done so while working as a stripper using the name Cos B.

Actress Marcia Cross spoke to People magazine about her recent diagnosis and successful treatment of anal cancer. She was relieved to have avoided surgery, saying “..I am a big fan of the anus!” adding that she meant the body part, not the President.

An Arby’s manager was arrested for fatally shooting a customer with whom she’d argued and who then spit in her face. Arby’s is conducting a full investigation, adding that they’re experienced with restaurant fatalities, just not from gunshot wounds.

Marvel fans are debating whether Avengers: Endgame – with its reported 3-hour runtime – should have an intermission. Producers oppose the idea, although they may splice in a three-minute scene of Captain Marvel and Black Widow talking about how gross it is that Scarlet Witch was sleeping with Vision.

NASA postponed the all-female spacewalk, citing issues finding the correct-sized spacesuits for the astronauts. NASA is now rapidly training 60-year-old Korean women to take the next shuttle up there with a brick of chalk and some pins for tailoring.

Lilly Singh – star of YouTube channel Superwoman – is taking over Carson Daly’s 1:35a.m. NBC talk show this fall. NBC made the announcement so as not to alarm the six people watching.

Viral video shows Pope Francis withdrawing his hand as Catholics in line to meet him at a shrine attempted to kiss his ring. He eventually removed the ring from his hand and attached it to his zipper.

McDonald’s acquired sales assistant software Dynamic Yield. They say that Dynamic Yield’s software will allow them to change digital menu boards to react to environmental conditions – like more coffee on cold days, more ice cream on hot days, and just ordering 3 Big Macs when a large customer is breathing heavy.

NFL owners agreed to expand video replay review to include pass interference. As a result, a bipartisan Congressional committee has drafted a bill to make Sundays from September through December 25 hours long.

 

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Guinness Book of World Records recognized Kane Tanaka, a 116-year-old Japanese woman, as the World’s Oldest Living Person. Asked what part of her life she enjoyed most, Tanaka replied “This right now” adding, “the 1930s”.

China is reportedly banning minors appearing in livestream Internet videos. This, despite the surging popularity of “unboxing” videos featuring Chinese children opening their employment offers from Apple.

The son of a Missouri City, Texas donut shop owner tweeted a photo of his father along with “My dad is sad because no one is coming to his new donut shop.” His message was retweeted 202,000 times – 201,000 of those were from the Missouri City Police Dept.

Justin Bieber asked for fans prayers after revealing on social media that he’s been “struggling a lot”. Bieber’s most loyal fans then dropped what they were doing and asked God to get him a divorce.

Actress Brie Larson dressed up in a Captain Marvel sweatsuit to greet fans at an AMC movie theater in Clifton, New Jersey. She even sold sodas and popcorn, but disappointed dozens of New Jersey women who just wanted to buy the sweatsuit.

President Trump denied calling Apple CEO Tim Cook “Tim Apple”, despite video confirming it.  Trump then announced he will enlist the Space Force to thwart the restarted nuclear efforts of Kim Korea, which he believes is being secretly funded by billionaire tech founder Sergei Google.

Boeing stock fell sharply following the second fatal crash involving a less-than-a-year-old 737 MAX jetliner flown by Ethiopia Airlines. Also falling sharply – 737 MAX jetliners.

Tesla announced improvements to their supercharging stations, saying they’ll be able to charge vehicles in a fraction of the time. The news was welcomed by Tesla owners, saying it frees up time for them to brag about their cars and sleep behind the wheel on autopilot.

A Birmingham City soccer fan ran onto the playing field and sucker-punched an opposing player from Aston Villa during the match. Officials with Birmingham City said they’ll be making modifications to future “Meet The Players Night”.

Toyota filed a patent application for a “vehicle fragrance dispenser system”, which would dispense tear gas if the car was stolen, or dispense it only to passengers if they break their promise to hold it in on the ride home from dinner.

 

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The New York Times reports that President Trump wanted to fire Special Investigator Robert Mueller last June but was talked out of it, by White House Senior Counsel Stormy Daniels.

‘Fire And Fury’ author Michael Wolff is allegedly behind a new rumor linking President Trump in a sexual affair with U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley. Rumors were fueled by recent refills of Cialis with the Presidential seal shipped to the U.N., and Secret Service carrying supersoakers full of lubricant.

President Trump is ordering a 20% tariff on imported washing machines, which is what he calls Haitians.

A new study of Australian teenagers in journal Lancet Public Health claims that parents who provide alcohol to underage teens may increase their alcohol-related risks later in life, but the underage drinking teens will make an above-average Manhattan.

Former tv star Adam Hicks, of the Disney sitcom Zeke and Luther, was arrested along with an accomplice and charged with four armed robberies of pedestrians in Burbank California. Hicks was held on $350,000 bail and is scheduled to receive the coveted Dana Plato Child Actor Lifetime Achievement Award.

2017 Oscar winner Casey Affleck has backed out of presenting this year’s Best Actress Oscar, saying none of them are all that hot, anyway.

Actress Brie Larson was photographed in costume on the set of the upcoming Captain Marvel film. Website The Nerdist wrote that “her costume isn’t quite what we expected” since it’s shades of green instead of blue, red & gold. That’s right, in 2018, even female superheroes can get blasted by geeks for their outfit choice.

Apple previewed upcoming iOS release 11.3, which will feature new Animojis, battery-management tools and updates to Apple Pay. The system will be available for download in the spring, and you’ll be able to use it by the end of summer.

Fistfights and riots broke out at locations of the French supermarket chain Intermarche, as shoppers battled to get containers of Nutella at a 70% discount. In several instances, French police were called to dispense wine and cigarettes to get everyone to calm down.

Zero-commission stock trading app Robinhood added zero-fee cryptocurrency trading, making it easier for people with smartphones to buy and sell something that they know absolutely nothing about.

A new startup, Cargo, raised millions in funding for its product – which allows Uber drivers to sell snacks and essentials to passengers, and for passengers to sell deodorant to drivers.