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Donald Trump’s former CFO Allen Weisselberg was sentenced to five months in jail for lying about the value of Trump’s property. He’ll serve the sentence in a 10×10 cell at Rikers Island, which he values at $5 million dollars and 2,000 square feet.

Arizona’s Supreme Court upheld an abortion law drafted in 1864, which calls for a near total ban on abortion, and jail time for any blacksmith or General Store clerk who performs one.

Two suspects stole pallets of meat from a refrigerated truck in Northeast Philadelphia. Undercover cops are hoping to learn more about the operation once they get invited to the cookout.

The Environmental Protection Agency announced its first-ever regulations for “forever chemicals’ found in public tap water. All municipalities must test their water and grade it on a scale ranging from ‘clean’ to ‘Flint Michigan’.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard, paroled for the murder of her abusive mother, got a nose job. Blanchard said the parole board told her to keep her nose clean, but they didn’t say anything about changing it.

Travis Kelce said on his podcast that he’s “having a blast” with Taylor Swift and “doesn’t know” how he got her interested in sports. Listeners speculate that she’s in to sports now because Travis plays a professional sport and she’s having sex with him.

The FCC is requiring internet providers to provide ‘nutrition labels’ that spell out specifics on pricing, download/upload speeds, and fees – and for Comcast/Xfinity, the amount of time on hold each month waiting for customer service.

Dating app Bumble is evaluating its ‘women make the first move’ strategy, possibly changing to ‘women decide who makes the first move’. Men are confused about what it means, which Bumble feels better represents men’s struggle to figure out what the hell women want.

Insurance companies are reportedly using drones to fly over houses and denying coverage to homeowners based on what they see, such as trampolines and six-foot-deep holes in the ground.

Friends of country singer Morgan Wallen say his arrest for throwing a chair off of a Nashville roof is evidence of a “drinking problem”. While other friends defended Wallen, saying the real problem is the bar needs “heavier chairs”.

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The insurer providing Donald Trump’s $175 million appeal bond following his New York financial fraud conviction may not be approved to provide the money, since paperwork accompanying the bond revealed two-thirds of it to be Kohl’s Cash.

“My eyes hurt” was a top Google search term following the total solar eclipse. Another was ‘O vamt srr’ .. which is believed to be an attempt to search “I can’t see”.

Sex hormones from male fetuses reportedly shape the behavior of female fetuses when they share a womb. The females reportedly turn their backs on the males so they don’t have to see what gross stuff they’re doing.

Google rolled out their new Find My Device network, which allows owners to track their phones and other connected products. This follows the decades-long success of their ubiquitous Find My Personal Information And Profit From It network.

Country singer Morgan Wallen was arrested for throwing a chair off a six-story-high Nashville bar rooftop, just missing police standing on the sidewalk below. Wallen was identified to cops by the woman who grabbed on to a ledge while sitting in the chair.

Using a salt substitute for 10 years will improve heart health and prolong your life, according to a new study. However, the french fries you put it on will still kill you.

The NBA Charlotte Hornets will interview Lindsey Harding for their head coaching job, which would make her the first-ever female NBA head coach. Then they’ll interview three guys who got fired from other NBA teams and pick one of them.

Following a sting operation, a mother/daughter duo in Houston, Texas were arrested for performing illegal butt injections. Houston Police also announced a promotion to Detective for the undercover officer with a really flat butt.

Kourtney Kardashian shared a post-partum bikini pic. Although maternity ward nurses weren’t thrilled helping her put it on four minutes after she gave birth.

A 58-year-old Canadian mother of five broke the Guinness World Record for women by holding an abdominal plank position for 4.5 hours. She accepted her certificate, then spent a few minutes mopping up the gym mat she used.

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Shares of Peloton stock tumbled as the company revealed it’s halting production of exercise bikes & treadmills for several months. However, online classes remain full, as discarded equipment in landfills is a hit with overweight bears & raccoons.

A new report from the World Health Federation claims no amount of alcohol is good for the heart – a study disputed by writers of country songs.

Mars, Incorporated said its animated M&Ms characters will become “more inclusive”. Peanut now identifies as Plain.

A Rhode Island man who faked his own death to flee a rape charge was apprehended in the U.K. He’ll be returned to the U.S. alive, but in a coffin.

The power of Tonga’s volcanic eruption and tsunami may dwarf that of nuclear weapons, according to experts. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un announced he’s successfully designed and tested a volcano.

Instagram is testing paid subscriptions for content, with prices ranging from 99 cents/month to watch Kim Kardashian have sex, to $100/month to keep from seeing anything any Kardashian or Jenner does.

Rocker Meat Loaf passed away. No autopsy is planned, but a funeral home worker discovered he was marked ‘Best by 1/19/22’.

The North Penn School District outside of Philadelphia is investigating a video of a teacher taping a mask to an unruly student’s face. If he’s fired, United and American Airlines each plan to offer him a job as a flight attendant.

New York City’s new mayor received his first paycheck in Bitcoin and Ethereum cryptocurencies. “Hope it works out better for him” said dozens of the city’s panhandlers who’ve been fooled by this payment method.

‘Tiger King’ zoo owner Jeff Lowe is moving his big cat zoo to Mexico after it was banned in the U.S., although he may bring the tigers back to the states occasionally with balloons full of heroin in their rectums.