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A longtime Walmart employee used the store loudspeaker to “sign off” on her last day before leaving for a different job. The store manager then grabbed the mic and signed off five of her coworkers for going two minutes long on their cigarette break.

Tiffany Haddish explained after her second DUI that the Tesla she was driving had self-parked, but was still blocking part of the street. Officers then lifted the hood and discovered the car’s battery soaked in vodka.

Meta is being sued for knowingly collecting the personal information of children under age 13 after they signed up for Instagram in violation of age restrictions. The kids were then bombarded with targeted ads for tricycles & lollipops.

Patients suffering with ‘long COVID’ experience structural changes to their brain – according to data collected from the microchip in the vaccines they received.

A passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight opened the over-wing emergency exit and jumped out while the jet was at its departure gate. He thought sitting in the exit row required him to demonstrate what to do in the event of an emergency landing.

Hospitals in China are at full capacity with patients due to a nationwide surge in respiratory viruses. Chinese health officials say the illnesses are from existing viruses, because Wuhan lab workers haven’t finished making the new viruses yet.

A Florida pest control worker was arrested after allegedly exposing himself to two female customers. The customers say the roaches are gone, but now they have a cock problem.

A new iPhone feature allows personal information, photos & videos to be shared when two users tap their phones together. It’s called NameDrop, or, if you swipe a phone to share nudes with a stranger, BallDrop or BoobDrop.

Congressman George Santos faces a vote to expel him from Congress, but during his hearing he produced 50 huge sacks of letters from children saying they still believed in him, in Miracle On Constitution Avenue.

A driver in Malaysia knocked a baby elephant over with his car, causing five adult elephants to stomp on the car in retaliation. The baby elephant got up and walked away, and the driver’s insurance claim has been denied three times by The General.

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A Southwest Airlines flight attendant suffered a broken back after a hard landing on a flight to California. She fell off the sink while in the lavatory with a copilot.

A police lieutenant in a Philadelphia suburb is accused of providing answers for an oral exam to a prospective police cadet. The lieutenant denies it, and adds the answers aren’t hard, including “shoot the guy”; “where’s my bribe?” and “jelly donuts”.

The Wall Street Journal reports that the FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago was prompted by a confidential informant, known only as Deep Slovenian Throat.

Disney+ is raising its monthly rates for ad-free content, despite an injunction filed to halt it from She-Hulk Attorney At Law.

Major League Baseball – whose rules prohibit in-game use of electronics – is investigating Pittsburgh Pirates second baseman Rodolfo Castro, whose cellphone fell out of his pocket as he slid into third base. The Tinder match on Castro’s screen also asked when he’d be sliding into third base.

Kevin Federline said his two sons with Britney Spears are choosing not to spend time with her because of her steady stream of nude Instagram photos. They prefer to stay with Federline, confident that they, along with everyone else, will never see him nude.

After 10 years off store shelves, General Mills is reintroducing Count Chocula, Frankenberry & Boo Berry – the Monsters Of Childhood Obesity.

Moderna’s CEO said he expects their COVID vaccine to evolve “like an iPhone”. Meaning old people will get a new one every six years.

Marguerite Koller, 99, of Blue Bell, Pennsylvania recently celebrated the arrival of her 100th great-grandchild. Unfortunately, Koller’s right hand is now paralyzed from writing so many five-dollar checks for birthday cards.

Investigators determined a foul stench in Paulsboro, New Jersey was from a truck releasing fumes from a fuel additive. They can now turn their attention to the foul stench of sunbathers along the Jersey Shore.

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Netflix lost 200,000 subscribers, and said password sharing was partially to blame for putting their quarterly totals in the Upside Down.

Popeyes plans to open 200 new restaurants, and will incorporate a new restaurant design with more defibrillators, and more open space for fistfights when they roll out new menu items.

The FDA is investigating reports of people experiencing stomach pain, vomiting & diarrhea after eating Lucky Charms. However, the leprechaun is happy he’s found a way to keep people from stealing them.

Amy Schumer said her trichotillomania – which caused her to obsessively pull out her hair during her teen years – made her feel “unlovable” and “not great at spelling her disease”.

Moderna said they’re releasing an updated COVID booster shot this fall, that better combats virus variants while making the tracking chip 50% smaller.

Lizzo said she’s in a relationship. Then, when the pizza was gone, said she’s single again.

The USFL Pittsburgh Maulers cut running back De’Veon Smith because he ordered pizza instead of chicken salad at the team cafeteria. The team said the $20 for the pizza forced them to declare bankruptcy.

A woman’s viral Tik Tok video tells how she suffered a panic attack because her tattoo artist talked inappropriately about her while she was topless. The tattoo artist defended his remarks, saying they were on treadmills at Planet Fitness.

Uber will no longer require face masks, so passengers can more clearly hear how they’re being sexually harassed.

Workout apparel giant Lululemon plans to grow to over $12 billion in sales by growing sales to men and launching a resale program for gently used yoga pants and sports bras – mainly by selling them to creepy men.