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Google is in court arguing against the Department of Labor’s charges that they systemically underpay women. Google execs deny the claim, saying women there make 81% of men’s salaries, versus the national average of 80%.

The New England Patriots presented Tom Brady’s mother, Galynn, with a Super Bowl 51 Championship ring. She thanked the team and then asked where in the hell are all the other Super Bowl rings her kid won.

The Department of Transportation said that 2017 U.S. airline passenger “bumping” has hit an alltime low; however, passenger “dragging” reached an alltime high.

A burglar who pooped in the toilet of the home he robbed – without flushing – was arrested based on a DNA match from his feces. The woman who owns the home asked the judge for leniency on his behalf, saying that at least he left the seat down.

Vice News reports that President Trump’s staffers compile packets of favorable news stories about him, then give him the packets twice per day. So far their biggest challenge has been finding newspapers and video from the 80s and 90s.

Defense Secretary James Mattis backed up Trump’s harsh rhetoric, saying that North Korea’s actions could lead to the destruction of its people. North Korean citizens countered that the biggest risk to their destruction isn’t nukes, it’s the food they’re eating since economic sanctions went into place.

Disney announced that it will pull its content from Netflix and start their own streaming service. The channel is expected to focus on family-friendly content, with the exception of a drama about Minnie Mouse going to prison.

Oprah Winfrey and Kraft Foods are partnering on “O That’s Good”, a line of frozen comfort food soups and sides. Each soup will cost $4.99 and each side $4.49, allowing a lonely woman to put together her dinner for around $40.

For the first time in nearly 30 years, the Mormon Church has excommunicated a senior leader. Ousted Elder James Hamula had no immediate plans, other than to relax with his 12 wives and however many kids he has.

Major League Baseball announced “Players Weekend”, where MLB players will be able to wear their nicknames on their jerseys. No vulgar nicknames are allowed, so none of the Philadelphia Phillies fan suggestions will be used.

  • Yankees reliever Aroldis Chapman will wear “The Missile”. Asked if it’s because of his 100mph fastball, Chapman said “..uh, sure.”

 

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President Trump banned transgender Americans from serving in the military. E! Network announced it’s scrapping plans for a new reality series, ‘Colonel Caitlyn’.

No word yet on how Defense Secretary James Mattis will handle the thousands of transgender enlisted personnel, though some say he’s in favor of giving them all an Honorable Red Carpet Discharge.

Senator John McCain slammed Trump’s use of Twitter to make major policy announcements, saying that’s what National Boy Scout Jamboree speeches are for.

White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci told a radio show that he will stop his office from leaking to the press, and that his staff needs to stop acting like “Mean Girls”. Meanwhile, Donald ‘Regina George’ Trump took to Twitter to burn Jeff Sessions to “stop trying to make Russia happen”.

  • Scaramucci already fired one staffer, and rumors are flying that Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders may soon be gone from The Plastics.

President Trump and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker are set to announce that Apple partner Foxconn will open Apple assembly plants in Wisconsin. The plants are expected to lift the state economy — Foxconn has already scheduled Job Fairs for local 12 and 13-year olds.

Adobe said that it’s killing the Adobe Flash plug-in by 2020, giving your grandparents ample time to find another reason why their darn computer isn’t working.

Britain announced that it will phase out all gasoline and diesel cars in 2040. The world awaits the clever term they’ll use for ‘electric’ the way they use ‘petrol’ for gas.

The Pentagon is under fire for blowing $28 million on ‘woodland’ camouflage for Afghani soldiers, when just 2% of the terrain is woodlands, and many other free camo patterns were available. The Defense Department acknowledged the error, saying soldiers should have received camouflage that looked like blown-up buildings.

Lyft is trialing ‘Taco Mode’ in California – in which a driver will show up and whisk a rider to the nearest Taco Bell. The rider can then choose a ride back home or to the nearest hospital.

  • Pending a successful trial, Lyft has already readied “Fry Mode” for McDonald’s, “Frosty Mode” for Wendy’s, and “Suicide Mode” for Arby’s.

Atlanta Falcon Julio Jones hired a dive team to find a $150,000 earring he lost while riding a Jet Ski in Georgia’s Lake Lanier. The divers failed to find the earring, citing the darkness at the lake’s bottom and all of the corpses in their way.

A California man was arrested for smuggling exotic animals when U.S. Customs intercepted a shipment to his house from Hong Kong, containing King Cobras packed in cans of potato chips. Additionally several U.S. Customs agents were treated for snake bites and suspended for stealing potato chips.