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The IRS will move the tax filing deadline to July 15, giving cash-strapped Americans an extra 90 days to come up with phony dependents.

Tom Brady officially signed a two-year deal with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Florida Man whines about being unnecessarily hit by others.

The Federal Government released details of its coronavirus stimulus package, with married couples earning under $150,000 receiving $2,400 …worth of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

Gamestop stores are remaining open because they say they’re “essential retail”, adding how essential it is for customers to get that 25 cents trading in Mario Kart 8.

A new study suggests digestive issues can be the first sign of COVID-19, but admitted it’s hard to isolate the viral effects of Chinese study subjects because many of them also ate at KFC.

A group of anti-Trump conservatives, Republicans For The Rule Of Law, released a new ad compiling the misleading statements from Donald Trump regarding coronavirus. The ad is unique in that it’s funded by Republicans, and that it’s 45 minutes long.

Scientists claim the novel coronavirus can live for up to three days on plastic or rubber surfaces – the exception being Crocs, which even the coronavirus wouldn’t be caught dead in.

Officials claim Princess Cruises had a much higher-than-average percentage of illness, even before the coronavirus outbreak. The statistics followed Princess ships Grand Princess, Diamond Princess, and Taco Bell Princess.

National Institute of Health Director Francis Collins said the U.S. best approach for halting the spread of coronavirus is one most Americans would find “too extreme”. Asked by a reporter what he meant, Collins shot the reporter.

Dental medicine chain Dental Express is under fire for performing unnecessary procedures to boost bills, with one woman claiming they performed 7 root canals on her 3-year-old. Dental Express defended the procedures, saying if they didn’t do something, his teeth would have all fallen out in a few years.

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The Invisible Man brought in close to $30 million this weekend – as billionaire Tom Steyer checked his savings account and dropped out of the presidential race.

As part of an agreement to lower the number of U.S. troops in Afghanistan, over 5000 Taliban fighters will be released, and added to UFC lineups in Kabul.

Tony Romo agreed to a record $17 million per year deal to remain an NFL analyst at CBS Sports. Meanwhile, at ESPN, Booger McFarland agreed to pay $2 million per year to keep saying nonsense on Monday Night Football.

Washington state is investigating a possible coronavirus outbreak at a nursing home. The good news is that the visitors lounge was empty anyway.

Buckingham Palace officially confirmed that Harry & Meghan will be allowed to retain their royal titles – Black Sheep & Golddigger.

Workers at Disney World retrieved an iPhone 11 from the Seven Seas Lagoon attraction after it had been dropped in the water at a Halloween party – though the phone’s owner was shocked to see naked pics of Ariel that Sebastian took under the sea.

The Surgeon General urged Americans to stop buying face masks to prevent coronavirus, saying the shortage is hindering the ability to get them for medical professionals and ugly people.

The last crew members on board the contaminated Diamond Princess cruise liner were evacuated, and the ship will return to port to be sterilized. Once seaworthy, it will relaunch with the captain breaking a bottle of Clorox over its bow.

Google apologized after its Nest home security cameras stopped working during a 17-hour outage. Subscribers to video cloud storage will receive a $5 refund, and creeps will get an update of what the small child they’re stalking did during the 17 hours.

Public Enemy fired Flavor Flav. Founder Chuck D said the group has been called a lot of names over the years, but never flavorless.

Americans will soon rely on methods other than passwords as the main form of cybersecurity, according to Vijay Balasubramaniyan – CEO of Pindrop, an online security company – who admits he uses his last name as a password and no one has cracked it.