By |

A study finds users of weight loss drug Wegovy maintain lower weight for up to four years – but are advised to hang on to those old pants just in case.

Joe Biden offered to debate Donald Trump with specific conditions, including that there not be an audience, that microphones cut off after alotted speaking time, and that the whole thing is wrapped up before 7pm bedtime.

McDonald’s is ending their policy of free drink refills, and reminding everybody they never had a free french fry refill policy to begin with.

Tree ring analysis was used to determine 2023 as the hottest summer in 2000 years. Then the scientists were arrested for cutting down 2000-year-old trees.

Graduates of Dyouville University in Buffalo, New York were given a commencement address by a robot using artificial intelligence. The robot told them to hurry up and leave town before winter.

Walgreens is offering its own cheaper version of opioid overdose drug naloxone. You get one free with every 10 oxy contin refills.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai demonstrated the company’s new Gemini AI, which has been updated to share more information, interact with others, find objects around the house, make schedules and do shopping. When he was done, dozens of single men & women proposed to Gemini.

The Portal – identical sculptures in Dublin & New York connected via live streaming video – has been temporarily shut down due to on-camera users flashing body parts, and because kids in both cities skip school to visit it hoping to see women & men flash body parts.

The sun shot out its biggest solar flare in two decades – then rolled over and lit a cigarette.

A Florida dentist faces calls to lose his license after publicly calling Jews “worse than Nazis” and calling on Allah to ‘annhilate’ them. Worse, he had the statements printed on the free toothbrushes he hands out to patients.

By |

Melania Trump is auctioning a hat and ‘two other personal items’ at a minimum starting bid of $250,000. “I’m out” said a Florida lottery winner after learning neither of the ‘personal items’ are socks or underwear.

A new tequila brand, Flecha Azul, is being launched by actor Mark Wahlberg, golfer Abraham Ancer, and entrepreneur Aron Marquez – Marky Mark & the Drunky Bunch.

Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa are getting divorced. They issued a statement saying their marriage is no Momoa.

Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly annouced they’re getting married, and sealed their commitment by drinking each other’s blood. Their four kids from previous relationships said it made for a pretty weird celebration dinner at Olive Garden.

Comcast/Xfinity said they’ve successfully lab-tested the first multigigabit cable modem. Then they fired the engineers whose hard-drives were loaded with the entirety of Pornhub.

My Pillow CEO and Trumper conspiracy theory crackpot Mike Lindell says he has ‘enough evidence’ to put ‘300 million’ Americans in jail. He says it’s nothing to do with the 2020 election, it’s because My Pillows have tiny cameras in them.

Steve Harvey blamed ‘cancel culture’ as the reason he may never do another standup comedy special. ABC announced the cancellation of Judge Steve Harvey.

Canon home printers are rejecting new Canon ink cartridges since they lack authenticating microchips due to a global shortage. Customers are so angry, they’re magenta in the face.

Conor McGregor’s Dublin, Ireland bar, The Black Forge, was attacked with Molotov cocktails by vandals Wednesday night. Fortunately, there was no damage since Irish drunks were able to drink them.

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz’s ex-girlfriend is expected to testify before a grand jury amidst allegations Gaetz engaged in sex trafficking and sex with underaged women. The grand jury will convene on an afternoon when the 14-year-old isn’t babysitting.

By |

Irish airline Aer Lingus announced a new policy where they’ll refuse to allow visibly intoxicated passengers on board. Shares of Aer Lingus fell 90% as flights out of Dublin are departing empty.

Amazon is now providing two-hour beer, wine & liquor delivery to Prime members in Texas. Members are told to wait on their porch for a delivery drone flying erratically and wearing a cowboy hat.

The FBI states that cases of in-flight sexual assault by airline passengers are up 66% from 2014-2017. Defendants claim there’s no leg room in coach, and they’re being wrongfully accused trying to climb over women in the aisle seat to get to the bathroom.

In India, technicians repairing an out-of-order ATM found a dead rat and $17,500 in shredded currency in its cash drawer. Police arrested two other rats waiting in a nearby battery-operated getaway car.

Lori McAllen, a clerk for the Oregon Department of Transportation, was suspended after allegedly using Facebook to call for illegal immigrants to be shot at the Mexican border. Attempts to reach McAllen for comment were unsuccessful, while she interviews for a senior position at the Department of Homeland Security.

When Facebook users search for opioid prescription drugs on the platform, Facebook is directing them to a government help line. When Facebook users search for marijuana, they’re being offered great deals on vacations to Colorado and Canada.

The New England Journal of Medicine reported the case of a 32-year-old Russian woman who had documented, via selfies, a moving lump on her face that turned out to be a parasitic worm, Dirofilaria repens, living beneath her skin. Doctors removed the worm, who then told her he’s moving in with another woman who wants bigger lips.

Comedian Tom Arnold said that he’s teaming up with former Trump attorney/fixer Michael Cohen to take down President Trump — and to deliver a long-awaited sequel to The Stupids.

The United States, which had been sending 4,000 container loads of recyclable plastic to China each day, now must find a new destination after China banned the import of plastic waste. Americans are being urged to hold on to their Fitbits until a new solution is found.

ABC Networks announced this fall they’ll debut The Conners – featuring the cast of Roseanne, minus Roseanne Barr. To maintain a conservative political voice to replace Barr’s character, the show will add the role of a babysitter for the Conner grandchildren, played by Scott Baio.