By |

A buck crashed through the window of a hair salon on Long Island. The animal fled shortly after his antlers received 10 frosted tips.

Dick’s Sporting Goods CEO said the company destroyed $5 million worth of AR-15 rifles after finding out the chain sold one to a school shooter. The company also destroyed $50 million worth of golf clubs when they saw how badly customers played with them.

The Glenlivet released their ‘Capsule Collection’ of whisky pods, aged scotch encased in an edible capsule made of seaweed. Some drinkers are popping them in their mouth and biting them, others plan to age them for another 20 years in their laundry room.

The Supreme Court will hear the case of a funeral home director fired after coming out as a transgender woman. The funeral home owners defended their decision, saying they’re in the business of burying problems.

The Supreme Court will not hear the appeal of Domino’s, who were sued, and lost, to a blind man who couldn’t order pizza for delivery from his iPhone. However, the blind man is facing lawsuits from several people he ran over driving to pick up takeout pizzas.

Juliet Huddy, a former host of Fox & Friends, said that some Fox News shows “lie by omission”, omitting facts and context while reporting the news; as opposed to the rest of Fox News shows  that “lie on purpose”.

Rachel Maddow will reportedly appear in CW’s new comic-book tv show “Batwoman”. No details were given, but everyone just assumes she’s going to be Alfred.

Target launched Target Circle, a new customer loyalty program where you earn points for shopping. KMart announced its own loyalty program, where you receive points for finding a KMart store that hasn’t gone out of business yet.

China is pulling back its support of the NBA after Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey tweeted in support of pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong. China is also pulling back support of the WNBA because they don’t really care about it, either.

After postponing, NASA rescheduled the first all-female spacewalk for this month. The original walk was postponed because a proper-fitting spacesuit was unavailable for astronaut Annie McClain. McClain has now been fitted with the first-ever AstroSpanx.

 

By |

16 U.S. Postal Service workers were sentenced to prison for assisting drug traffickers by delivering packages containing cocaine on their routes. The scheme was discovered when cocaine was repeatedly delivered to the wrong houses. 

A new study of cognitive behavior published in the journal Learning & Behavior concludes that dogs aren’t as smart as humans think. The study covered spatial/physical/social/sensory cognition and found that all of that doesn’t outweigh eating from the cat’s litter box. 

McDonald’s is disputing London Metropolitan University’s test that every ordering touch-screen it swabbed in U.K. restaurants tested positive for fecal matter. McDonald’s is not, however, disputing that the same results were found in the food. 

Google CEO Sundar Pichai will appear before Congress to answer questions about anti-conservative bias in their filtering of news and search results. Congressmen will have the choice of beginning their questions with Mr. Pichai or Hey, Google. 

Marriott revealed a data breach, exposing the personal information of about 500 million guests, including credit information. A similar breach was revealed for Motel 6 customers, but their credit is so bad the hackers can’t do anything with it. 

Democrats plan to investigate the Trump Company’s plan to give Vladimir Putin a $50 million penthouse atop a proposed Trump Tower in Moscow. They also plan to investigate why the layout called for 10′ x 10′ floor-mounted urinals next to the bed. 

Billionaire Richard Branson is funding an expedition to determine what’s at the bottom of Belize’s Great Blue Hole – a giant ocean cavern 125 meters deep – believed to be the world’s largest repository of scuba diver’s lost GoPros and car keys.

In Philadelphia, a woman denied beer because she lacked the money ignited hairspray and used it as a flamethrower toward the cashier. No one was injured, and the owner extinguished the burning Busch. 

University of Wisconsin – LaCrosse Chancellor Joe Gow angered school officials, using $5,000 from the school to pay porn actress Nina Hartley for a lecture. 72 students attended the lecture; fewer students attended 30-minute meet-and-greets costing $250. 

Fox News hosts apologized for a Fox & Friends segment where Kid Rock called comedian Joy Behar a ‘bitch’. Vegas bookmakers then placed even-money odds on the Behar/Rock rap battle to settle the beef. 

By |

The Boy Scouts of America are planning to change their name to ‘Scouts BSA’ with girls now allowed to join. Scouts BSA beat out other potential new names including ‘Uniscouts’; ‘Panscoutual’, and ‘United Bullying Victims’.

A GoFundMe campaign raised $20,000 so that a 104-year-old man can fly from Australia to Switzerland to end his life via assisted suicide. In addition to the money, the campaign message board was flooded with ideas on how to do it much cheaper than $20,000.

President Trump tweeted that Robert Mueller’s investigation is interfering with his ability to do his job, saying that discussion of the Russia probe is keeping Fox & Friends hosts from telling him where he should meet Kim Jong Un.

Kanye West said that black slavery is “a choice” – apparently referring to his and black athletes’ repeated appearances on Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Ford Motor Company filed a patent for a minivan designed to carry a motorcycle that can pop out of it. They plan to sell it to emasculated dads so they can hop on the motorcycle and chase down the people in fun cars who insult them on the highway.

Lyft pledged $1.5 million in free rides to low-income people, so that attractive poor women can be sexually harassed.

Iowa passed the most restrictive abortion law in the country, dealing a crippling blow to sexually active teenagers, who can’t believe this happened in such an amazing place to live.

A Detroit-area Catholic high school has scrapped plans to hand out “modesty ponchos” to prom-goers whose dresses are deemed too revealing. Instead, they’ll follow standard Detroit prom tradition and hand out condoms & riot gear.

Yale University revoked Bill Cosby’s honorary degree, following similar actions by Temple, University of Pennsylvania, Marquette, Brown, Fordham, Carnegie Mellon and Notre Dame.  “I’ve lost more degrees than the body temperature of a dead hooker!” Cosby said, proving he’s still got it.

The CEO of Xerox resigned. The replacement will be named after someone opens Door 1 and clears out a jam of candidates.

Southwest Airlines flight 957 from Chicago to Newark made an emergency landing in Cleveland after a window broke. “Now I’ll never see the Grand Canyon!” said the drunk passenger in seat 14F.

The E.coli outbreak tied to romaine lettuce has killed its first victim. The California resident, who remains unidentified, thought they would remain healthy by ordering the dressing on the side.

By |

In the wake of the Las Vegas shooting, Hilton and Disney hotels changed their Do Not Disturb policies, saying that employees will enter every guest room at least once a day. They’ll also add a $10/item fee for bellhop assistance taking guns to rooms.

The City of Philadelphia is considering cancelling their annual New Year’s Day Mummers Parade due to extreme cold, and to give the Mummers time to recover from frostbite and hangovers they get from attending the Eagles home game the day before.

France is considering expanding the Champagne region borders, and with it, the designation of wineries that can officially call their sparking wine “Champagne”. This will be a welcome economic boost to the Champagne border towns of Ventelay and Ice d’Smirnoff.

Combined box office revenues for Star Wars ‘The Last Jedi’; ‘The Force Awakens’; and ‘Rogue One’ have surpassed the $4 Billion price tag that Disney studios paid to acquire Lucasfilm. In less encouraging news, Disney CEO Bob Iger said they’ve not yet seen similar returns on the $75 it paid to acquire the Ernest universe from the estate of Jim Varney.

President Trump tweeted about poll results giving him a 47% approval rating – the same as Obama’s first presidential year – which aired on Fox And Friends. The Rasmussen poll surveyed 1,000 households, one on Pennsylvania Avenue, and 999 in Trump Tower and Russia.

President Trump also said that Amazon is underpaying the U.S. Postal Service, making the Post Office “dumber and poorer”. Amazon fired back, showing the Christmas card Trump left for his mailman with no tip in it.

Cleaning crews at three high-end hotels in China were caught on hidden camera using toilet brushes to clean the drinking glasses in guest rooms. Each hotel has been fined, despite receiving positive TripAdvisor feedback from cats and dogs reviewing their stays.

Work crews took down the lettering at the Trump SoHo Hotel in New York City as part of a name change. Owners are hoping that occupancy improves under its new name, The Barack.

A Houston man was arrested in the murder of his girlfriend, who police say was nearly decapitated with a samurai sword. “Nearly? Focus!” said the man’s samurai master.

Apple responded to being outed over its practice of slowing down older iPhone performance by cutting replacement battery prices from $79 to $29….plus a $49 tip for the douchebag at the Genius Bar.

Meghan Markle gives advice to women via quotes that appear in the new book ‘Game Changers: Success Secrets From 40 Women At The Top’. Among them “don’t give it five minutes if you can’t give it five years.” Women reading the quote paused, then continued masturbating.