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Following extensive repairs, the legendary Battleship SS New Jersey was returned to dock in Camden, New Jersey. The ship now has 10 new exits and three different Roy Rogers restaurants.

Owner of casual dining chain Olive Garden claims Americans are switching from fast food to sit-down casual eateries – then complaining the food doesn’t get there fast enough.

McDonald’s debuted the items in their new $5 meal deal – for $5, you get a $6 discount coupon for a better place to eat.

Electric vehicle owners are finding their cars can lose up to 31 percent of the battery charge in extreme heat. Engineers are working on a system to channel energy from the driver’s ass when they sit on the hot front seat.

Athletes in the Paris Olympics say the River Seine is too polluted to swim in for the triathlon. They say organizers are crazy if they think they’re going to go in Seine.

Louisiana passed a law requiring the 10 Commandments to be displayed in all public school classrooms. The law angered civil rights activists, but Louisiana teachers are hoping it means more Louisiana high school graduates can count to 10.

Mosquitos with West Nile Virus are infecting visitors to Las Vegas. Mosquitos are also raking it in betting the ‘over’ on the number of tourists treated for the disease at local hospitals.

Drug manufacturers are warning consumers of counterfeits for weight loss drugs like Wegovy and Ozempic. In other news, Dollar Tree announced the release of new & improved Wegroovy and Zolympic.

The Supreme Court upheld restrictions barring domestic abusers from owning guns, but go ahead an borrow one if you really need it.

Rite Aid announced more pharmacy closures, but still no clearance pricing on opioids.

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A couple ‘magnet fishing’ in Corona Park, Queens retrieved a metal safe containing $100,000 in waterlogged cash. A different couple ‘concrete block fishing’ in the East River caught multiple skeletons of Teamsters missing for decades.

President Biden issued an executive order shutting down the Mexican border once the count of illegal immigrants exceeds 2,500 per day. The Border Patrol is busy each morning installing delicatessen ticket rolls that go up to 2,499.

Thomas Manzo, ex-husband of Real Housewives of New Jersey Dina Manzo, was arrested for hiring a mobster to beat up her new boyfriend. Thomas Manzo was also sued for breach of contract by Bravo network for not letting them film it.

Hunter Biden is currently on trial for illegally purchasing a gun while using crack cocaine, a felony. His trial will be followed by a dozen defendants accused of selling guns while on a crack cocaine, a popular hobby in Wilmington, Delaware.

WNBA rookie Angel Reese of the Chicago Sky was ejected from the team’s loss to New York for back-to-back technical fouls. Reese, who earns $81,000/year, was assessed the league’s highest penalty – three games without makeup or false eyelashes.

Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft launched, sending two astronauts to the International Space Station. Boeing officials say the Starliner mission is going as planned, with the capsule door expected to blow off, dumping the astronnauts on to the ISS porch.

An oncologist said dying people’s four most common last phrases are “tell me you love me”; “I love you”; “forgive me”; and “I forgive you”…..followed by “turn up the tv”, among people who die more suddenly.

East Coast wildlife officials are warning of Joro spiders, venomous flying arachnids with 4-inch legs. They’ve been predicted to arrive in New York and New Jersey since 2022, but have had a tough time finding affordable housing.

A Philadelphia mother has gone viral for building a $29,000 ‘Cinderella castle’ for her daughter’s prom send-off. Her date’s father spent considerably less on his son’s prom send-off, $9 for a 3-pack of condoms.

The Marubo, a remote Brazilian tribe in the Amazon jungle was finally connected to the Internet thanks to Elon Musk’s Starlink service – but tribal leaders say many are now addicted to porn and social media. However, they don’t seem to mind the five-figure weekly checks for the Marubo Mamas OnlyFans.

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FAA officials took the first steps allowing Boeing 737 Max 9 jets to return to the skies. In a related move, Alaska Airlines will now sell premium ‘Panoramic View’ seats next to the giant hole where door plugs used to be.

Saudi Arabia opened its first store serving alcohol. So far, six men offering to buy women a drink have been beheaded.

Johnson & Johnson plans to settle litigation over the safety of its talc baby powder for $700 million. Greedy lawyers are quickly organizing class action lawsuits for victims of diaper rash.

Over 21 million people signed up for Obamacare, including several million in Iowa & New Hampshire who got their registration in before attending a Trump rally.

All teachers & staff at Siouxland Christian School in Sioux City, Iowa will carry guns. Complaints about the salisbury steak in the school cafeteria have been eliminated.

Grocery chain Stew Leonard’s recalled its florentine cookies after someone died eating them. Flags are flying at half-staff on Sesame Street.

A Wendy’s franchisee in Pennsylvania was cited with nearly 800 child labor law violations for not providing breaks for workers. The franchisee said he doesn’t understand why they need bathroom breaks if he’s paying for their Pull-Ups.

Gene Robinson was consecrated as the first openly gay bishop in the Episcopal Church. “Open, you say?” .. asked a few hundred Catholic bishops thinking long & hard about making the Episcopal team switch.

Taylor Swift’s fans are battling against AI-generated pornographic images & videos featuring the popular singer. They were being shared on social media sites, and discovered by parents of teenagers viewing them and shaking it off.

10 Philadelphia area restaurants were named as semifinalists for James Beard Awards – while dozens of other steak & wing joints were sent cease and desist orders to never apply again.