By |

Heavy metal contamination of applesauce pouches that led to an FDA recall may have been deliberate. Although workers at the applesauce factory thought something completely different when a worker threatened to give people a belly full of lead.

Parents of students at Norristown High School in suburban Philadelphia are concerned about frequent fistfights at the school. Gym teachers say kids prefer doing that in class to jumping jacks & push-ups.

Guy Fieri said he won’t leave any of his money to his two sons unless they each get two degrees – presumably a bachelor’s and a postgraduate. He quickly added that Master’s degrees from Flavortown University don’t count.

Actor Jonathan Majors was found guilty of misdemeanor assault & harassment for attacking his ex-girlfriend, and was immediately dropped as Kang The Conqueror by Marvel Studios. The court failed to accept Majors defense that his girlfriend was wearing a Captain Marvel costume.

Kelly Clarkson showed off her 50-pound weight loss in a snug top & skirt on her talk show, before singing her hit song ‘Since U Been Gone‘ to a hot fudge sundae.

A U.S. Senate report says U.S. terror watchlists are “too broad” and may violate travelers rights. “You’re telling me” said an Iraqi-American dad who’s failed six times trying to fly his family to Disney World.

A dress worn by Princess Diana sold for a record $1.14 million. Meghan Markle immediately sent Prince Harry back to London to see what else his mother might have left laying around.

NASA used a laser to transmit a cat video 19 million miles to Earth. Hearing the good news, astronauts aboard the International Space Station are taking turns using the laser to transmit their boob & dick pics to Earthbound loved ones.

Disney’s Animal Kingdom in Florida welcomed the first African elephant baby born in the park in 7 years. A GoFundMe was started for the baby elephant so it could afford to eat at Disney.

A volcano erupted in Iceland, sending molten rock 300 feet into the air. “Nope” said Santa Claus, crossing Reykjavik off his travel itinerary.

By |

A 7-year-old was caught vaping CBD oil at a Wisconsin grade school. The vape device was confiscated, and a teacher gave the student a few Marlboros to get through the day.

During a meeting on Syria, President Trump called Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi “a third-rate politician” in what Pelosi described as a “meltdown”. The House then passed a measure to give the President a time-out, but Senate leader Mitch McConnell refused to vote on it.

Chicago school teachers are planning to strike, leaving 360,000 students without the education they need to become successful gang leaders.

A new form of yoga, “rage yoga” combines traditional poses with alcohol, cursing and obscene gestures. Rage yoga formed when someone left the tv in a yoga studio turned on and tuned to a Philadelphia Eagles game.

Massimo Giannulli, husband of Lori Loughlin and codefendant in their college admissions scam trial, lost both of his parents this year. “It’s been a hard time” says a source close to the family. “Well, kinda” said Lori.

The United States men’s national soccer team lost to Canada for the first time in decades, and a hockey game didn’t even break out.

Flip or Flop’s Christina Anstead said that her six-week old newborn son, Hudson, will sometimes cry for hours straight. She said she’s tried everything to get him to stop – from changing the wall color to the flooring – and nothing’s worked.

An Iowa man found his basement flooded with five inches of fat and blood that had leaked in from a neighboring meat locker business. He was urged not to throw it out by Guy Fieri, because that’s where all the flavor is.

Researchers claim losing large amounts of weight later in life may increase the risk of premature death from heart disease. The study was funded by fat Italian grandmothers who think you look too skinny.

Six siblings in the Netherlands spent a decade in a basement bunker literally waiting for the end of the world before one escaped and ordered beers at a local bar. He chugged the beers after saying “it’s Doomsday somewhere.”

 

 

By |

Sesame Place theme park banned a woman for life for telling a Muslim woman to “go back where she came from”. The banned woman’s rant was sponsored by the letter F.

Six players were ejected following a fight during a WNBA game between the Phoenix Mercury and Dallas Wings. Fans said they hadn’t seen that many women in braids brawling since any UFC undercard.

Kid Rock tweeted Taylor Swift wants to be a Democrat so she can be cast in movies, and is willing to suck the door knob off of Hollyweird to get there. Celebrities condemned the tweet – Guy Fieri said he may ask Rock to return his key to the City of Flavortown.

According to a recent survey, 42% of parents claim they weren’t financially ready to have a child. The other 58% say they were financially ready, but feel let down by their choice of birth control.

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth reportedly separated after being married only 8 months. Cyrus was spotted kissing a woman, so she and Hemsworth still have something in common.

In their annual rankings, University of California – Santa Barbara topped the list of colleges where students consume the most hard liquor. The results were challenged by University of Phoenix, who say most of their online students consume liquor during class.

Anheuser-Busch is expanding into the red-hot hard seltzer category with Natural Light Hard Seltzer. It’ll be 20% cheaper than industry leader White Claw, and will be marketed to bros who still want to get buzzed while they look for a better-paying job.

Police combatting anti-government protesters in Hong Kong fired tear gas into the subway. Subway riders were overcome by the chemical assault, calling it “almost as bad as the subway in Philadelphia.”

Two ambulances collided with each other in the Bronx, causing one to overturn and four injuries to emergency workers. “Call an ambulance” said someone, and they all had a good laugh about it.

Berlin is considering turning the former Tempelhof airport into a safe zone for legalized prostitution. German men won’t feel as inconvenienced when their friends ask for a ride to the airport.

By |

The NBA fined Boston Celtics Kyrie Irving $25,000 for yelling “suck my d*ck” at a Philadelphia 76ers fan asking him “Where’s Lebron?” after the Celtics win in Philly. Irving is scheduled to meet with NBA officials who plan to help him with better comebacks.

Researchers in Paris are investigating whether a newly-discovered sketch – which they’re calling Nude Mona Lisa – is the work of Leonardo Da Vinci, or the work of 6th graders who drew bare boobs on the original.

Crowdfunding site WePay shut down a fundraiser started to assist recreational marijuana growers whose farms were lost to California wildfires. The growers then started new online fundraisers, presumably to help them pay for joint replacement procedures.

President Trump disputed Gold Star widow Myeshia Johnson’s claims that Trump did not know her deceased husband’s name when he placed a condolence phone call to her. Trump said he had a ‘very respectful’ call with Sergeant’s wife.

An unsent letter recovered from the body of a passenger on the Titanic sold at auction for $166,000. The letter from a first class passenger reads “My dear Mother. We had good weather while we were in London. This boat is giant in size, but could really use a place for us to swim.”

Several grocery store chains including Meijer, Whole Foods & Albertsons are recalling fresh vegetables distributed by Mann Packaging for possible listeria contamination. The packages mainly contain broccoli and asparagus; concerned parents are calling a free hotline to ask if their kids can contract listeria by staring at the tainted veggies.

Jambalaya served at a Louisiana fundraiser is being blamed for making 49 people sick with salmonella, with the bad publicity causing a delay in Popeye’s launch of its new Jambanella.

The National Wildlife Federation is encouraging Americans not to rake dead leaves in their yard, saying the leaves provide homes for beneficial insects and butterflies. The advice was hailed by the 12 year-old keynote speaker at the National Video Game Association conference.

Celebrity chef Guy Fieri is cooking meals in the parking lot of the Veterans War Memorial in Sonoma for families displaced by California wildfires. Said one diner at Fieri’s pop-up kitchen: “Flavortown tastes burnt.”

President Trump assured Americans that his tax reform plans will not impact 401(k) savings plans, saying that all four hundred and one of them will be left alone.