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McDonald’s reported strong second-quarter earnings thanks to its Grimace’s Birthday promotion and limited-time Grimace Shake. They’re hoping for similar positive results with the upcoming Hamburglar Granted Parole promotion.

NASA’s new space telescope, scheduled for launch in 2027, could spot up to 400 planets similar in size to Earth – and, in-between, allow NASA incel employees to look through bedroom windows in their neighborhoods.

A raccoon was spotted on a baggage carousel at Philadelphia International Airport. The raccoon appeared confused because he’d checked in on a Frontier flight from Orlando to Newark.

It was revealed that Mitch McConnell has fallen multiple times this year, and may have suffered some cognitive impairment by striking his head after failing to inflate his neck pouch in time.

A lost city believed to have been abandoned over 1,000 years ago was discovered in the Campeche jungle of Mexico’s Yucatan Peninsula – soon to be the location of Mexico’s newest Starbucks.

The rebranded Twitter, X, reportedly took over the @X handle without notifying or compensating its owner. Since @XX was already taken by a bootlegger and @XXX by a porn star, he was offered @XXXX.

Rudy Giuliani admitted in court that he knew the Georgia results of the 2020 Presidential Election were authentic and lied about it. He still insists black is his natural hair color.

Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce attempted to give Taylor Swift a bracelet with his phone number on it after her shows at Arrowhead Stadium, but was not allowed to meet her. Lil Nas X asked for the bracelet, but was similarly rejected.

Miami Dolphins wide receiver Tyreek Hill settled with an employee of a Miami marina, who he’d punched in the back of the head for refusing to allow him to board a boat. Other passengers were just happy to spot a dolphin before even leaving the dock.

More sex workers are coming forward claiming that they’d met alleged Gilgo Beach killer Rex Heuermann. The local sheriff said he’s taking private meetings with each of them to see if they really know what they’re doing.

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Some McDonald’s franchisees are choosing not to promote the Cardi B. & Offset Meal because the hip-hop stars don’t reflect the company’s “family-friendly” values. Their sentiment is echoed by recently-paroled, born-again Christian, Hamburglar.

Drug maker Eli Lilly said they’ll cut the price of insulin. “Sweet! But, not too sweet” said diabetics.

Lori Lightfoot, Mayor of crime-ravaged Chicago, lost her bid for reelection. The top two vote-getters, Paul Vallas and Brandon Johnson, will now face off in the city’s first-ever mayoral shootout.

Elsewhere, Bola Tinubu was elected President of Nigeria – but other candidates called the process rigged, including rival Ruda Giulianu.

Former Trump adviser Steve Bannon told reporters “I ain’t going to jail” as he faces fraud charges for embezzling donations from the ‘We Build The Wall’ fundraiser, and routing them to his ‘I Build A Beach House’ project.

Justin Bieber cancelled the remaining dates of his Justice World Tour. Refunds will be processed just as soon as they pay Ticketmaster the $50 refund processing fee.

Twitter rolled out a new ‘zero tolerance’ policy on violent speech – resulting in the immediate suspension of hundreds of open-mic comedians who falsely claim to have killed last night in a bar basement.

Nintendo game director Shigeru Miyamoto said the inspiration for games comes from his childhood experiences in nature. For instance, when he was 6, he ate a wild mushroom in the woods and then saw a gorilla kidnap a blond woman in a ballgown.

Conservative CPAC director Matt Schlapp is accused of sexual harassment, fondling a male aide to failed Senate candidate Herschel Walker to C what he was PAC’ing.

China slammed a U.S. Energy Department report claiming the COVID virus came from a government lab in Wuhan – saying if the U.S. had bothered to get their facts straight, they’d know it came from a high school biology class.

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Dave Chappelle brought out Louis C.K. as a surprise guest at his comedy shows in Yellow Springs, Ohio – on the condition that Louis C.K. agreed not to bring out a surprise guest backstage.

Simon Cowell broke his back after falling off an electric bike at his home. Hearing the news, hundreds of former American Idol and America’s Got Talent contestants wondered if the bike was okay.

Fire consumed a house owned by Rachael Ray in upstate New York. Responders were able to contain the fire, but said the cookies had to be thrown out.

A former finance CEO – Douglas Hodge, 62 – convicted in the college admissions scandal said his sentence at upstate New York’s Otisville prison is “torture”. He then asked who he needs to pay six figures to get into a nicer prison.

Amazon is reportedly planning to use closed Sears and JC Penney stores as fulfillment centers. As practice for possible new jobs, shoppers are urinating in bottles and milk jugs as they shop at Sears and JC Penney.

Donald Trump reached out to the governor of South Dakota to inquire about adding his face to Mount Rushmore. Unfortunately, there isn’t enough sculptable rock, and the wind would keep blowing off the tumbleweed hair.

Ben & Jerry’s said partially-eaten ice cream pints should be stored upside-down to prevent ‘freezer burn’. Or, do what most people do and eat the whole thing at once.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s former personal assistant, Emmy Tayler, has reportedly left the U.K. following Maxwell’s arrest on sex abuse charges. Tayler is rumored to be in the Napa Valley learning to make wine in a toilet before visiting Maxwell in New York.

A distraught 24-year-old woman posted in a Reddit relationship forum that her husband  bought a used Taco Bell dining booth to put in his home office. She wrote that it isn’t the horrible design she finds most offensive, it’s the smell.

McDonald’s is suing its formerCEO Steve Easterbrook for lying to the board of directors about the sexual nature of his relationships with employees. Easterbrook’s lawyer claims he only kept it a secret because that’s the way Hamburglars like to operate.