Fireball faces a class action lawsuit in 12 states for misleading customers that mini-bottles sold at gas stations are whisky, but contain no whisky at all. The lawsuit is unique in that all of the plaintiffs are 16 years old.

Retired astronaut Buzz Aldrin married 63-year-old Dr. Anca Faur on his 93rd birthday. Her vibrator is also named Buzz Aldrin.

Home Depot founder Bernie Marcus, who retired in 2002, claims that ‘nobody works anymore’ because of socialism and ‘woke people who have taken over the world’. Marcus made the claims after wandering around a Home Depot for a half-hour looking for a woke socialist to tell him where the screwdrivers are.

Grocery & retail stores are losing shopping carts in record numbers. They blame homelessness, carts being sold for scrap metal, and Cub Scouts who want roomier Soap Box Derby cars.

A police officer punched a woman several times following a dispute after she attempted to return a McDonald’s Big Mac for not having the extra toppings she paid for. He’s been placed on leave from McDonaldland P.D. according to Mayor McCheese.

A woman who lost her virginity at 17 to a 30-year-old man and disliked it claims to have paid $10,000 to have her hymen reconstructed. She’s now saving herself for a guy who’ll pay her $10,000, just in case the third time’s the charm.

Disney Parks Star Wars: Galactic Starcruiser Hotel is reportedly failing due to the $6,000 price tag for a two-night stay – and stiff competition down the block from the $69/night Mos Eisley Cantina Red Roof Inn with real galactic prostitutes.

Pamela Anderson claims in her new memoir that Tim Allen flashed his penis at her when she was his co-star on sitcom Home Improvement. She also claims the guy who played ‘Wilson’ did it too through a hole in the fence.

Spotify announced it’s cutting 6% of jobs, disappointing fired workers, and also disappointing everyone hoping the cuts included Joe Rogan.

A British woman who lost all of her limbs from sepsis won a $48 million settlement against the hospital for releasing her early – marking the first time a hospital stay cost both the patient and the hospital an arm and a leg.

Serena Williams said in an interview that her male tennis coach advised her to stop breastfeeding her daughter. The coach said that the baby was getting in the way of her serving motion.

The Centers for Disease Control claims to have solved the latest food-borne illness outbreak at Chipotle. Their review of victims’ stool samples pointed to¬†clostridium perfringens, a bacteria that flourishes when food is left at an unsafe temperature. The CDC took a while to share results, since the stool samples and the burrito samples kept getting mixed up.

Elon Musk became emotional and teary-eyed during a lengthy interview with the New York Times, saying the past year has been “the most difficult and painful of my career” and “excruciating”. At several points during the interview, Musk had to stop so that a naked supermodel could wipe away his tears with hundred-dollar bills.

President Donald Trump canceled a military parade planned for Washington, D.C. this fall. He blamed local politicians for the rumored $92 million cost that resulted in cancellation, along with the fact that Defense Secretary James “Mad Dog” Mattis turned down the Grand Marshal gig, citing scheduling conflicts.

Former ‘Home Improvement’ star Zachery Ty Bryan appeared on Fox & Friends, saying he think Hollywood elitists need to spend less time criticizing Trump supporters and more time trying to understand them. “Shut the f*** up” said his neighbor whose face was obscured by a tall fence.

Stormy Daniels withdrew from participation in U.K.’s Celebrity Big Brother. Producers said they were surprised by her decision, but her lawyer, Michael Avenatti, said that in every production Stormy has been a part of , someone has pulled out.

Mark Wahlberg told PEOPLE magazine that raising a 14 year old daughter is “a challenge”, adding that “(there’s) a lot of attitude, a lot of ‘you ruin everything!’..” — and that was just because his daughter had watched ‘The Happening’.

Forbes Magazine named Scarlett Johansson the highest-paid actress on the planet, earning $40.5 million from June, 2017 to June, 2018. “Huh.” said Johansson, displaying her trademark emotional range.

Natural Cycles, a mobile fertility app, is the first-ever digital contraceptive to win FDA marketing approval. It uses an algorithm to determine whether a woman is fertile, and should avoid unprotected sex. If she is fertile and is having difficulty refraining from unprotected sex, the app shows pictures of diaper pails and babies vomiting.

The FDA also approved a generic EpiPen. The generic EpiPen is expected to compete with the original, and also for use by people for whom 5 Hour Energy really isn’t working.