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Gen Z is reportedly embracing physical books & libraries to escape the stresses of the digital world. This is confirmed by a surge in young men & women posting nude selfies to their Tinder profiles while reading books.

Donald Trump confused 7 Eleven and 9/11 during a speech. He then doubled down, saying he’ll never forget or forgive that they don’t have a Diet Coke Slurpee.

Jen Pawol could become the first woman to umpire 2024 regular season games for Major League Baseball. She’ll work Spring Training games, where she’ll become the first umpire to argue with players and managers by not speaking to them.

A passenger on a Lufthansa flight died after other passengers reported ‘liters of blood’ “gushing” from his nose & mouth. His family is demanding answers and a refund of the $20 in-flight snack box he ate before the incident.

The Church of Scientology and supporters of Jesus both aired Super Bowl ads, in hopes of attracting worshippers who no longer believe in Bud Light.

A new book claims James Gandolfini was unreliable while shooting the final two seasons of ‘The Sopranos’ due to “excesses of consumption”. Gandolfini acknowledged his unprofessional behavior, but never sought treatment for gabbagool dependency.

Shoshanna Lefler, 37 – a teacher at Manhattan’s prestigious High School for Health Careers & Sciences – resigned after video captured her going into a locked bathroom with a 17-year-old male student then handing him a wad of cash. No one believed her when she said the money was for the Scholastic Book Fair.

ABC announced The Golden Bachelorette series, but haven’t cast the 60-plus woman to take the role. Meanwhile ABC talent scouts are busy auditioning single senior men, each of whom is required to submit a video and proof of shingles vaccination.

In Hong Kong, a dragon made of 39,000 balloons to commemorate the Lunar New Year was certified for a Guinness World Record, before it was shot down in a U.S. drone strike.

A massive fire broke out at a new waterpark in Sweden before it opened to the public. First responders eventually contained the blaze, and treated themselves for minor burns in the wave pool.

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Researchers at University of California developed a reusable ice cube that lasts 13 hours without melting or growing mold – great news for blackout alcoholics who like to wake up with their drink still cold.

One of Jeffrey Epstein’s butlers testified at Ghislaine Maxwell’s trial that one of his duties was to clean a two-headed dildo used in Epstein’s massage room and return it to Maxwell’s bathroom. He also testified of the many uses of Dawn dish detergent.

A rare all-white sperm whale was spotted in the Caribbean, acting like it was better than the more common gray and black sperm whales.

HBO executives worried that The Sopranos actor James Gandolfini was going to die because of his alcohol and drug binges. Gandolfini finished the series, but was eventually whacked by his own heart.

Governor Ron Desantis is proposing a 200-person paramilitary force that reports to him, with no federal accountability. However, they may not garner much respect since he wants to name them the ‘Florida Men’.

A Florida bride passed out and vomited from dehydration during her wedding ceremony, then her infant nephew defecated on her dress at the reception. The story was the featured event on the Society Page of the Daytona Beach News-Journal.

Drug lord Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman’s wife, Emma Coronel Aispuro, was sentenced to 36 months in a California prison for her role in drug cartel activity. She begged the judge for leniency, saying it will take her 10-year-old twin daughters at least a year to build a tunnel to visit her.

A Houston woman claims she’s pregnant with NBA star – and Khloe Kardashian’s baby-daddy – Tristan Thompson’s child, after Thompson spent too much time in the shooting lane.

President Biden’s new COVID-19 policies allow for free at-home testing. Trump supporters are already complaining of false negative results after urinating on the test swabs.

Malls and event planners are encountering a nationwide shortage of Santas this holiday season. “Of COURSE you are, there’s only one, you dipsh*ts!” said a 6-year-old economist.

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‘Crazy Rich Asians’ was shut out of Oscar nominations, drawing immediate, sharp criticism from crazy, rich, Asians.

  • ‘Black Panther’ became the first superhero movie to receive a Best Picture nomination – thrilling crazy, rich, Wakandans.

The Supreme Court temporarily upheld the Trump Administration’s ban on transgender persons in the military – simplifying the jobs of those in charge of military wardrobes.

Michael Gandolfini, son of dead actor James Gandolfini, will play Tony Soprano in a prequel film to ‘The Sopranos’.  Michael won the part with his audition tape – a video of him having sex to climax in 15 seconds wearing only a wifebeater and black socks on prom night.

22 cases of measles have been reported in Clark County, Washington state. Parents defended not vaccinating their children, believing they were in the clear when they kicked a kid named Rubella out of the play group.

Los Angeles school teachers agreed to terms on a deal that will end a six-day strike. Teachers said they’re looking forward to returning to work, but also that they really liked having a week to spend time with their favorite dropouts.

President Trump is looking at alternate dates & locations for the State of the Union, since Speaker Nancy Pelosi won’t invite him to do so before Congress. He’s reportedly asked to speak during the Super Bowl pregame, but networks don’t know how they’ll squeeze him in during those 12 hours.

Apple is running a contest to identify 10 of the best photos taken on an iPhone. Winning photos may be placed on billboards in large cities, depending on how those cities feel about 50-foot-wide pictures of penises and bare breasts.

A University of Michigan poll finds that 7 of 10 parents rely on “folklore strategies” – such as taking vitamin C & zinc; and staying indoors – to treat children’s common colds. Instead, parents should focus on hygiene such as hand washing,  and fun folklore solutions like whiskey drinking.

New research shows the number of Americans receiving liver transplants for alcohol-related liver failure steadily growing.  Experts credit excess drinking for those getting livers, and excess drinking and driving for those giving them.

Hundreds of Internal Revenue Service workers received permission to work from home during the partial government shutdown – meaning, your tax audit will likely happen via Facetime after your auditor gets back from a movie matinee.