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The Electoral College meets today and will confirm Joe Biden’s victory over Donald Trump in the 2020 Presidential Election. Over 130 Republican Congressmen joined a new Trump lawsuit to confirm his victory in the Electoral Community College.

Video game publisher Electronic Arts acquired Codemasters – publishers of popular Micro Machines games. EA plans to create Grand Theft Auto-type games where players can run over hookers with tiny cars.

Baseball’s Cleveland Indians will reportedly change their team name from Indians. Native American leaders praised the move, saying they’ve suffered enough from their hundred-year association with the city of Cleveland.

Google suffered a service outage early Monday, impacting Gmail, search, Google Drive and other services. Although the outage was fixed in an hour, it will be cited as an excuse for “that email I never got” for several months.

Homeland Security confirmed a Russian cyberattack on the U.S. Treasury. The U.S. Mint will trash $10 bills whose backs were engraved with a photo of Donald Trump watching prostitutes urinate on a bed that Barack Obama slept in.

Wonder Woman director Patty Jenkins will direct Rogue Squadron – the next entry in the Star Wars Cinematic Universe. Jenkins promises to add lots of women Rebel fighter pilots, and crew who are nervous about flying with them.

Facebook announced its new musical collaboration app, Collab, so users can create songs and videos together despite being in different locations. So far, no takers to collaborate with Lee Greenwood on his new song ‘Trump Won By A Landslide’.

A new ABC News/IPSOS poll finds 8 out of 10 Americans would agree to be inoculated against COVID-19, while respondents in the deep South said they’ll wait for a shot instead.

SpaceX’s Falcon 9 rocket successfully launched another satellite for SiriusXM radio – allowing the broadcaster to offer 200 more channels of Christmas music.

The UK authorized the trial use of psychedelic hallucinogen dimethyltriptamine – DMT – for use in treatment of depression. Drug makers are looking for several hundred Brits who feel depressed, but really groovy.

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A woman taking selfies on a closed Grand Canyon trail fell to her death. The photos were uploaded to her account on Instaslam.

The NFL’s Washington Redskins are exploring new names. Odds of a name change actually happening are even money at Native American casinos.

London reopened pubs with few restrictions on social distancing and mask-wearing. Residents are confident that if they get sick at a London pub, it’ll be from the food.

In multiple cities, protestors tossed commercial fireworks at cops. The cops didn’t return fire because they were enjoying the Neil Diamond and Lee Greenwood songs that protestors played as the fireworks exploded.

Kanye West announced he’s running for president of the U.S. It’s unclear if he’s serious, but if he wins, no one’s expecting the White House to stay that way.

A recent poll found 27% of Americans would reject a free coronavirus vaccine. They’re doing a new poll to see if the numbers improve if they can pick out a toy or get ice cream after.

A resident of Florida contracted a brain-eating amoeba. #Starving is now trending on Twitter for three straight days.

Repeated exposure to nighttime fireworks can cause anxiety and memory loss – like remembering how many fingers you used to have.

Rideshare giant Uber is acquiring food delivery service Postmates for $2.65 billion and no tip.

The surge in hard seltzer sales has led to more people using them to make ‘spiked popsicles’. Which, in turn, has led to more & more kids passed out and puking next to the monkey bars.

 

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An Australian woman discovered a giant earthworm above ground after torrential rains. The worm measured two feet, until she handed it to her husband and it shrank to three inches.

The American Chemical Society released results of tests on lab mice to determine how much Halloween candy kids would have to eat before they died. Lethal levels were 500 gummy worms, 400 fun-size candy bars or 2200 pieces of candy corn. The saddest part of the study was disposing of dozens of dead mice in Wonder Woman and Iron Man costumes.

Samsung released a version of its Galaxy Note 8 in blue. The case is still black, but if you look at the tip of the flames you can see blue.

A New England doctor used Butterfly IQ – an ultrasound that pairs with an iPhone app – to detect his own cancer. The cancerous mass was blocking part of his neck, and also blocking the birds from completely destroying the pigs’ elaborate towers.

A Discover survey asked 1,000 Americans what would make them feel like they really “made it”, and 53% said having a housekeeper. Separately, 53% of housekeepers feel they’ve really made it once they pawned the jewelry they swiped from successful clients.

President Trump declared the opioid crisis a Public Health Emergency, and said the government would produce “really tough, really great advertising” to prevent people from starting opioids. The Senate floor was closed off as filming began on the first ad, starring Mitch McConnell as a gold-chain & backward-hat wearing drug lord.

  • Melania Trump pledged her personal involvement in the war on opioids, striking fear into the hearts of OxyContin and Fentanyl dealers operating out of Bergdorf Goodman dressing rooms.

President Trump’s Happy Birthday message on Twitter – intended for singer Lee Greenwood – was tagged with the wrong Lee Greenwood, a Washington D.C. lawyer. The lawyer gladly stood up and defended the bill for $100 he sent to Trump for the time he took to read the tweet.

Simon Cowell was rushed to the hospital after falling down the stairs of his London home. Celebrities and former American Idol contestants sent flowers to the house, hoping that the stairs were okay.

A Rolex watch once owned by the late Paul Newman sold at auction for $17.8 million, a record for watches. The anonymous purchaser is said to have expressed remorse when he realized there isn’t a step counter on it.

President Trump released the first batch of confidential government records surrounding the JFK Assassination. Among the early revelations: “boxers”.