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Walmart announced they’re hiring 50,000 more workers before May, 50 of whom are expected to still be there in June.

Drug overdose deaths reached a new annual record in 2021, caused by a surge in Fentanyl, and man-boosting Testofen in Nugenix Total T.

President Joe Biden demanded a faster reduction in gas prices. While at the gas station he also demanded three packs of wintergreen Life Savers and a bag of Werther’s Originals.

Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson is quitting after 13 years. Once a new CEO is confirmed, the Board Of Baristas will announce them by issuing a ceremonial cup with their name misspelled.

For the first time in the show’s history, ‘The Bachelor‘ Clayton Echard ended with every remaining Bachelorette either being dumped or rejecting him. In case you missed it, you can watch the same thing play out in every bar every Friday night.

Several NFL teams remain ‘in the mix’ for Houston Texans QB Deshaun Watson. It’s believed the asking price is multiple first round picks to acquire Watson and his 20+ sexual misconduct lawsuits.

The International Court of Justice ordered Russia to cease its invasion of Ukraine. Moments later, Rudy Giuliani filed an appeal on Russia’s behalf.

A UFC fighter subdued a man who opened fire in a Houston sushi restaurant. If you want to see the surveillance footage, it’ll cost you $60 on pay per view this Saturday.

Marylin Miglin, the “Queen Of Makeovers” from Home Shopping Network, died after a stroke. Memorial contributions can be made in four easy payments.

Kanye West ripped Pete Davidson over Davidson’s joke about wanting to have sex with a baby. Davidson was also ripped by two dozen male open-mic comedians for stealing their premise.

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Jennifer Woodley, 40, former CEO of Make-A-Wish Iowa, pleaded guilty to embezzling over $40,000. Because of her theft, dozens of sick children had their wishes delayed, all of which were “getting the hell out of Iowa”.

Anheuser-Busch will buy Americans over age 21 “a round of beer” if 70% of them are vaccinated by July 4th. White Claw will do the same for Americans aged 12-20.

West Virginia is offering guns as prizes in its vaccine lottery. “I won!” said a 7th grader.

U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson married fiancee Carrie Symonds in a secret ceremony on Saturday, after he finally agreed to brush his hair.

‘From The Desk of Donald J. Trump’, a blog started by the former President, was taken down after just one month. Trump instead plans to focus on a podcast which he’ll quit after a week or two.

A 3-year-old piano prodigy will perform at Carnegie Hall – marking the first time a featured artist plays a curated medley of ‘Heart & Soul’, ‘Jingle Bells’ & ‘Chopsticks’.

Investigators searching through a deceased Australian man’s “hoarder house” found the mummified body of a burglar he’d shot and killed 15 years ago. It was on a pile of 20 other mummified bodies he was saving.

A 77-year-old Brooklyn man was charged with trying to lure two young boys, ages 5 & 7, in to his car with candy. The plot failed because the boys had no idea what Life Savers are.

A Colorado man was mauled by a bear in his garage, where he stored birdseed. The man survived, and the bear plans to return when the menu improves.

A New Hampshire hiker died after tying a hammock to a dead spruce tree, which fell on him as he slept. Nobody heard anything.