By |

Fairfax, Virginia schools changed a grading policy for students who fail to turn in assignments, changing the lowest possible grade from 50% to 0. Philadelphia City Schools are considering a similar change, since several Philly schools have dropouts who are in the running for senior class Valedictorian.

Fugitive murderer Danelo Cavalcante was captured in the woods of a Philadelphia suburb while wearing a Philadelphia Eagles jersey. “Maybe he isn’t such a bad guy after all” say Philadelphians.

Cavalcante was discovered after he was located beneath a wood pile and bitten by a State Police scent-tracking dog. The $25,000 reward for his capture will now be issued in Pupperoni.

House Speaker Mark Meadows said he’ll open an impeachment investigation in to Joe Biden’s alleged corruption involving son Hunter’s businesses. But for now the impeachment score remains 2-0.

Congresswoman Lauren Boebert was kicked out of ‘Beetlejuice: The Musical‘ for vaping and causing a disturbance. When she first refused to leave, police said ‘Bobo’ three times on the sidewalk in front of the theater and she appeared there.

HGTV sold The Brady Bunch house to Tina Trahan, wife of a TV executive, for $3.2 million. Trahan then tried to cancel the purchase, saying something suddenly came up.

Brady Bunch star Eve ‘Jan’ Plumb plans to auction off memorabilia from her time on the show, including a “fun” gift from her onscreen Dad, Robert ‘Mike Brady’ Reed…that is, if you consider a positive HIV test a “fun gift”.

N’Sync reunited for the first time in 10 years at the MTV Video Music Awards. Now it’s time to say Bye Bye Bye to Fatone, Kirkpatrick, Chasez & Bass for another decade.

Apple announced that its iPhone 15 will adopt the USB-C charging standard, but assured loyal customers that official Apple charger cords will continue the company’s tradition of fraying and breaking in a month and a half.

A $33,000-per-passenger cruise ship ran aground in Greenland and could be stuck there for days. “Well, well, well, norovirus and imitation crab legs doesn’t sound so bad NOW, does it?” said a Carnival Cruise Lines spokesperson.

By |

Jeffrey Epstein’s private Caribbean islands are listed for sale at $125 million. But because of their sordid history, they may sell for under 18.

Amidst a wave in Spring Break violence, Miami Beach is banning alcohol sales after 6pm. College drinkers are invited to join senior citizens getting hammered at the Early Bird Special.

Ginni Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, texted White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows to encourage him to overthrow the 2020 Presidential Election. She would have texted Trump directly, but since she’s 65 and weighs over 150 pounds, Trump wouldn’t give her his number.

570,000 chickens will be culled because of a bird flu outbreak on a Nebraska poultry farm, unless the chickens win an 11th-hour reprieve from the Governor.

A man punched a Southwest Airlines gate agent after being removed from his flight departing Atlanta. He was arrested, jailed, and picked a window seat.

Uber reached a deal to list all New York City taxis on its app – giving cabbies the equal opportunity they’ve sought to sexually harass female passengers.

Netflix will air The Comedy Store’s tribute to Bob Saget as a special this June. A Netflix spokesperson said that after giving Jeff Foxworthy a new special, people will eager to watch an hour-long show about a dead guy.

Russian President Vladimir Putin blamed “cancel culture” for sanctions against Russia taken by countries opposing his invasion of Ukraine. Putin’s edgy hot take earned him a headlining weekend with four shows at Moscow’s Chuckle Dungeon comedy club.

After 50 years, a sample of the Moon’s surface from the 1972 Apollo 17 mission was opened by NASA for testing. The test was a success, as the dust sample was sucked up in no time by a new Dyson hand vacuum.

Scientists determined how boa constrictors keep breathing while squeezing and suffocating their prey. It took a while because the scientist who published the report was still pretty upset watching a snake kill three of his coworkers.

By |

Comcast introduced a new Video Doorbell to its Xfinity Home Security service, so you can see your empty front porch at the time the guy was supposed to show up to fix your tv service.

Amazon devices with the Alexa assistant now feature a Santa Claus voice. “Ho! Ho! Ho!..set your own goddamn kitchen timer, there’s only a week ’til Christmas Eve you dope”, said Santa/Alexa.

Melania Trump is selling NFTs. The first ones are from her topless modeling sessions, so they’re Nude Fake T*ts.

A troubling TikTok challenge urges school violence on December 17th. But a new wrinkle limits participation to only students who successfully complete the milk crate challenge in the school parking lot.

An FDA decision expands the ability of women in approved states to receive an abortion pill in the mail from a certified prescriber. However, overnight shipping is still the patient’s responsibility.

Former White House Communications Director Alyssa Farah spoke to CNN about the text she sent to Chief of Staff Mark Meadows while the January 6th riots unfolded; a text which read “where are our goddamn Big Macs?”

Pope Francis turns 85 today. So if you’re wondering where all the young boys around Vatican City are, it’s the birthday party.

Sony showed off its new smartphone camera sensor that gathers twice as much light to improve photos – huge news for the four Americans who buy Sony smartphones.

Miss Alaska was crowned Miss America – reinforcing the pageant’s strategic shift away from judging based on physical beauty.

Actor Chris Noth is accused by two women of sexual assault, marking the first time a Law & Order actor has been investigated by Law & Order SVU.

By |

Starbucks apologized for selling expired food in China. They say it takes a reeeeally long time to write out the customer’s names correctly on the orders.

Target recalled ‘Letters To Santa’ mailboxes due to laceration risk from the mail slot’s sharp edges. The recall was issued after Santa noticed a lot of his letters had small fingers in them.

Donald Trump Jr sent frantic texts to White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows on January 6th, trying to get then-President Trump to stop the violence. Trump Jr would’ve sent the message directly, but his father never gave him his phone number.

36 National Football League players tested positive for COVID-19 on Monday, the highest single-day total since testing was implemented. The 1-11-1 Detroit Lions traded all their COVID-positive players to upcoming opponents in the hope of racking up forfeit wins.

The 2022 Rivian R1T is the first all-electric pickup truck to win MotorTrend Truck of the Year. Its truck nutz are actually batteries.

Pfizer said its COVID-19 pill, Paxlovid, shows high effectiveness preventing COVID-related hospitalization and death, adding that its pill form makes it far easier than vaccines to get mind-control chips into patients.

NASA is tracking two British explorers on an 80-day, 2,200-mile walking trek across Antarctica, in preparation for future astronaut landings on Mars. So far, the most important feedback the explorers have given is “drive instead”.

New UFC women’s fighting champion Julianna Pena is celebrating her upset victory over champ Amanda Nunes by taking her 7-year-old daughter to Disney World – where she’d better behave.

Derrick Dillard, son-in-law of ‘19 Kids and Counting‘ patriarch Jim Bob Duggar, said he thinks the child porn conviction of Duggar’s son, Josh, will hurt Jim Bob’s campaign for Arkansas state senate. However, Jim Bob will tout his 18-1 record in raising non-pedophiles.

Danny Carey, drummer for Tool, was arrested following a physical altercation at the Kansas City airport. He was charged with misdemeanor assault, and acting like a total Tool, not just a quarter of it.

By |

The groom at a Philadelphia wedding was mugged outside of his wedding reception. Philly police released a photo of the suspect, a woman in a long white dress seen with the groom just minutes before.

Spider-Man actor Tom Holland said in an interview he farted on co-star Zendaya while they performed a stunt for Spider-Man: No Way Home. Filming was halted because the webs that shot out gave Zendaya pinkeye.

Delta Air Lines announced it’s dropping service to Lincoln, Nebraska; Cody, Wyoming; & Grand Junction, Colorado. Travelers in those cities now have fewer options if they want to beat up a flight attendant.

Spain’s youngest Episcopal bishop was stripped of his powers after admitting to marrying a woman who writes erotic fiction. Her latest work, The Bishop & The Maiden With Heaving Bosoms, hits stores in January.

A Popeye’s chicken franchise in Philadelphia was criticized for banning homeless customers. The good news is, on average, homeless Philadelphians have lost five pounds.

India’s Harnaaz Sandhu was named Miss Universe 2021. During contestant interviews, host Steve Harvey asked her to do an animal impression, so Sandhu meowed. Later, Harvey awarded the coveted crown to the “Indian pussy”.

Former White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows reportedly turned over a PowerPoint presentation outlining how a January 6th coup would keep Donald Trump in office. Meadows disputes that the slides were shared, because CTRL/F7 didn’t get the projector to work.

The United Kingdom’s largest spy agency, GCHQ, released a digital Christmas card with a series of “fiendish puzzles” for kids aged 11 to 18 to complete, keeping them busy while a GCHQ agent goes at it with their mom.

The U.K.’s Department of Digital Culture placed an export restriction on a rare 17th Century painting of a black woman and her white female companion, titled Allegorical Painting of Two Ladies: English School, but more widely known as See, I TOLD You I Have A Black Friend.

Kim Kardashian passed California’s ‘Baby Bar’ exam after failing it three times, pushing her one step closer to becoming a lawyer once she passes the full bar exam after failing that 20 times.