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Costco will ration meat purchases – each shopper is limited to two 50-packs of steaks.

An estimated 1 in 5 Wendy’s restaurants have taken burgers off the menu, leading to more customers asking Where’s The Beef? than in 1984.

  • The shortage is so bad, The Baconator said “I have no son.”

A shopper wore a Ku Klux Klan hood to a grocery store. He figured since it was Whole Foods it was probably okay.

Elon Musk wondered if a Mario Kart-type game could be launched on Tesla video screens so people could play while behind the wheel. The National Highway Traffic Safety Association condemned it, saying it would lead to countless banana-peel related deaths.

People are wondering how to pronounce the name – ‘X AE A-12’  – of Musk’s new baby with singer Grimes. So for now they’re just saying L’il Douche.

Kylie Jenner bought a vacant lot in Hidden Hills, California for $15 million. It’s the second-most valuable vacant lot in the state, next to the one in her skull.

A 5-year-old Utah boy driving an SUV was pulled over, and told cops he was headed to California to buy a Lamborghini. The boy’s name was withheld, but said his occuupation was “aspiring rapper”.

J. Crew declared bankruptcy, then declared “it’s Madras shorts season!”

A new study in journal Nature Communications claims there’s evidence of ancient rivers on Mars. The evidence is topless Martians in inner tubes drinking Miller Lite.

The Scripps Research Institute and Stanford Medicine are analyzing Fitbit data to predict coronavirus outbreaks. They say early stage illness is predicted by elevated heart rates, and later-stage illness is predicted by no heart rate.

 

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President Trump met with Puerto Rico’s governor, and said that he would rate the U.S.’ disaster relief response “a 10”; the governor replied that the death toll was already 48.

For the second straight year, the PNC Milwaukee Marathon miscalculated the official 26.2 mile distance, shorting it by eight-tenths of a mile. Race officials are contemplating giving full $75 refunds of the $80 race fee paid by entrants.

Playboy has named Ines Rau Miss November 2017, the magazine’s first-ever transgender playmate. The centerfold will open backwards.

Blac Chyna sued the Kardashian Family for defamation and slut-shaming; a Kardashian attorney replied, saying this is a case of the pot calling the kettle Blac.

The FAA is considering banning large electronic devices from checked luggage, citing concerns about devices overheating and causing fires, and several cases of Japanese travelers’ sex robots freezing to death in the cargo hold.

Researchers writing in Nature Communications studied the rapid breakdown of glucose to fuel cancerous tumor growth – known as the Warburg Effect – establishing a clearer connection between sugar and cancer. Next up, the researchers intend to study what’s known as the McFlurry Effect.

Twitter users are criticizing a Business Insider study that claims Chick-Fil-A was the most popular fast food restaurant in 39 states, based solely on Foursquare check-ins. The survey was seen as most damaging to customers of Popeye’s Chicken, many of whom thought Foursquare was a value meal.

President Trump continued his battle with the NFL by starting an “I Stand For the Anthem” petition on a GOP website. Republican officials marveled at the number of signatures, and expressed surprise at the number of U.S. Citizens named F*ckYou.

Illusionist David Blaine has publicly denied rape allegations made by model Natasha Prince, claiming that at the time of the incident, he was simultaneously in several other countries!

The Philippines Department of Labor issued a new regulation requiring that office workers must be given breaks every two hours to stand and walk. Filipina hookers must be allowed breaks to sit every two hours.

The Orionid Meteor Showers will peak tonight – good thing, since NASA scientists claim that Mars is getting pretty smelly.

 

 

 

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National Geographic published an article revealing that hibernating animals like bears and sloths don’t actually sleep – they enter a state of depressed metabolism called ‘torpor’, where they reduce heart rate, breathing, and reactivate their Netflix accounts.

The Social Security Administration announced benefits will increase 2% in 2018, as retirees flood jewelry stores to order gold chains with their grandkids’ initials encrusted in diamonds.

Iraqi forces state that they’ve taken key areas in the Northern city of Kirkuk from Islamic State. “We hope to go where no Iraqi has gone before in years” said military leader Captain Kirkuk.

Security experts have identified a dangerous wifi security flaw, KRACK [Key Reinstallation Attack] that allows hackers to intercept communications sent via wifi. Android devices are especially vulnerable – President Trump’s phone has reportedly been hacked, but data pirates have been unable to find a buyer for Candy Crush scores and draft tweets about the NFL.

Facebook is reportedly seeking to hire employees with National Security clearances, in order to mitigate political manipulation. Jared Kushner then submitted his application containing 100 errors and an inactive email address.

Kevin James opened up on why his sitcom ‘Kevin Can Wait’ killed off his wife’s character for season two, despite no one asking.

CEO Jack Dorsey announced that Twitter will launch new rules focusing on “unwanted sexual advances, non-consensual nudity, hate symbols, violent groups, and tweets that glorifies violence.” Creeps, terrorists and hate groups said they’re looking into Snapchat.

Colin Kaepernick filed a grievance alleging collusion among NFL owners for refusing to hire him. His grievance was filed after the Tennessee Titans signed free agent and former first-round flop Brandon Weeden to a backup role after discovering him with his head stuck in the posts of a wrought iron fence.

A Nature Communications study states that for every additional 2.2 pounds gained, overweight people cut their life expectancy by 7 months. Overweight people said it’s a risk they’re willing to take, not knowing if McRib will still be available in 7 months.

A Napa valley couple survived area wildfires burning around them by staying in a neighbor’s pool for six hours. They promised the neighbor they’d return to clean the pool.

Bruce Arena resigned as U.S. Men’s National Team soccer coach after failing to qualify for the 2018 World Cup. Arena collected his belongings, which included a gift basket of items made by merchants in Trinidad and Tobago.