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A Florida man died on the operating table when his surgeon reportedly removed the patient’s liver instead of his spleen. The surgeon said he wasn’t feeling well that day after his eating his breakfast of spleen & onions.

Comcast/NBCUniversal agreed to pay $2.45 billion per year to air NBA games, and an extra half-billion to make sure none of them are Washington Wizards games.

A new strain of monkeypox was discovered in Africa. It now includes gorillas.

Donald Trump said that crime in the U.S. is so bad, “you can’t walk across the street to get a loaf of bread – you get shot, you get mugged, you get raped..” Trump said the lesson is to buy bread on the side of the street you’re already on.

A toddler was reportedly served alcohol during a meal at a California restaurant. Investigators are still trying to determine how the vodka got in the kid’s sippy cup.

An attendee reportedly died on Day 1 of the Burning Man Festival. First responders called it a “sick burn”.

The World Health Organization claimed 70% of baby food fails to meet their nutritional standards. They then retracted the report after discovering they weren’t testing “baby food”, they were testing “Kids Meals”.

Lululemon recalled all of their new Breezethrough leggings, after women complained of an unflattering fit, and about the thick fabric not letting their posterior breeze through.

Walmart recalled apple juice over high arsenic levels. “Who wants a 10th glass of apple juice?? ” asked a mom of 3 kids looking to lower the household budget.

Typing “”:: reportedly crashes iPhones. Men & women are now busily borrowing their parents iPhones so they can type “”:: into them.

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The Rolling Stones announced a 16-city 2024 U.S. tour, sponsored by AARP. Representatives from AARP will be on hand to scold retirees about blowing $500 from their 401k on Rolling Stones tickets.

As rescue workers attempt to dig out 41 construction workers trapped in a tunnel collapse in India, hot meals of rice & lentils were delivered to them via a steel pipe. The Grubhub guy received no tip.

Before a school board reversed his decision, a Sherman, Texas high school principal left voicemails informing parents that transgender students could not perform roles in Oklahoma! aligned with their gender identity. He also said he’s not changing the title of the next production to The Music Person.

Celebrity & game show host Wayne Brady fought with a drunk driver who backed in to his car, then attempted to flee as officers arrived. The man was arrested, and Brady may appear to host his court hearing – Let’s Make A Plea Deal.

A man attempted to kidnap and kill his estranged wife at a suburban Philadelphia Walmart. Workers at the store thought it was a dress rehearsal for customers attempting to murder each other on Black Friday.

Six major media companies including Disney, NBCUniversal & Paramount halted spending on X after Elon Musk boosted antisemitic conspiracy theories. They’re shifting spending to Truth Social and its more pro-American conspiracy theories.

Best Buy, Lowes & Kohl’s are all forecasting a drop in annual holiday sales. However, liquor stores & OnlyFans say they’ll more than make up for the hit to the economy.

Kalpana Balan, a 26-year-old Indian woman, established a Guinness World Record for having 38 teeth – six more than the average human. She also broke a different record by flossing out a quarter pound of a burrito stuck between them.

Only 23 percent of women on dating app Bumble are actively seeking marriage as a goal. Relationship experts say this is great news for empowered, independent women – but also great news for hit-it-and-quit-it horny men.

A woman gave birth on a Pegasus Airlines jet just before departure on a flight from Istanbul to Marseilles. Paramedics boarded to assist in the delivery, then gently placed the baby under the seat in front of the mother, because overhead bins were full.

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A married Texas police chief resigned after he was discovered to have two different girlfriends, otherwise known as ‘Jack Tripper-ing’.

Republican Senators will present President Biden with a $608 billion COVID relief counterproposal at 5pm today. The meeting is expected to start right after they finish watching ‘Judge Judy’.

Elon Musk said his new startup, Neuralink, has wired a monkey’s brain that lets it play video games with its mind. This allows the monkey to remain hands-free so he can throw feces at the wall and masturbate.

An Idaho man won $250,000 from a scratch-off lottery ticket, the sixth time he won the lottery. Although the previous five wins were free scratch-off lottery tickets.

A New York man’s mother died in his apartment, and he attempted to hide the smell of her corpse by dousing it with Febreze. The guy at the crematorium said it was nice that the place smelled like fresh linen for a change.

NBCUniversal pledged to audition actors with disabilities in all of their upcoming film & tv projects. They say it’s important for actors in wheelchairs to hear “we’re looking for someone taller.”

NASA delayed its decision to award two contracts for missions to send astronauts to the moon. So far the favorites are Elon Musk’s SpaceX and Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin – and the longshot is the U.S. Postal Service.

Lego is adding bicycle lanes to its tiny city building kits. Sadly, several cyclists have been struck and killed after being stepped on.

NASA astronauts conducted their second spacewalk of the year, and are now just 9,950 steps short of getting in 10,000.

Oregon decriminalized all drugs and plans to offer addicts rehabilitation instead of prison. But in the meantime, things are about to get crazy at Oregon Walmarts.

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Volkswagen is investing $800 million in a Tennessee auto factory to make next-generation electric vehicles. However, they’re having hiring issues because most Tennesseans don’t think cars can really run on electricity.

Antarctica is melting six times as much ice mass as it was 40 years ago. That’s bad news for global warming, but good news for whales and penguins wanting more space of their own to swim in.

Pacific Gas & Electric – California’s largest power utility – plans to declare bankruptcy in the wake of liability costs for massive wildfires they allegedly started. The company could end up so broke, they’ll have to shut off their own electricity.

A 34-year-old Indiana woman threw 4 bras & 14 panties she’d shoplifted at Kohl’s out of a moving car going 97 mph while being pursued by police. “Wow, how many naked women are in that car?!” asked excited cops who joined the pursuit late and didn’t know what was going on.

Dutch astronaut André Kulpers accidentally dialed 911 while placing a call from the International Space Station. The call triggered an alert at NASA’s Johnson Space Center in Houston, Texas. An operator told Kulpers to stay on the line, Houston police would be there in about 5 months.

‘Big Daddy’ Don Garlits, Joe Amato and other drag racing legends will come out of retirement to drag race in the National Hot Rod Association Legends Tour. All are excited to have one last chance to die doing what they love.

Facebook is planning to allow users to message people who reply that they’re ‘interested’ in an Event. Now you can ask ‘interested’ attendees “why aren’t you coming?”

Apple’s AirPower mat – where you rest multiple Apple devices to charge simultaneously – has reportedly gone into production. Apple recommends placing the mat on a high shelf so that your iPhones and AirPods fall off and break so you buy new ones.

Spotify struck a deal with India’s largest record label, agreeing to become the largest global streaming service to offer weird, snake-charmer-sounding music.

Comcast’s NBC Universal announced a streaming tv service to compete with Netflix, Hulu and others – but which will be free for Comcast Xfinity cable subscribers. It’s targeted to people who want to lie about being cord-cutters who like lousy customer service.

YouTube updated the navigation controls in its mobile app, making it that much harder to skip through your friend’s standup comedy videos.