In the wake of Joe Rogan controversies, Spotify CEO Daniel Ek said they’ll invest $100 million on content from ‘underrepresented creators’. And another $100 million paying unknown standup comics to stop their podcasts altogether.

The White House’s top science adviser, Eric Lander, resigned amidst accusations that he mistreated staff, who were afraid of him. Lander’s favorite expression is “follow the science, or else”.

Oscar nominees were released Tuesday morning, with ‘The Power Of The Dog’ getting 12 nominations. Unfortunately, none of the dog’s powers are getting people to see the movie.

An 80-year-old nun was convicted of stealing over $800,000 from a Los Angeles school where she was principal to fund a gambling habit. She was sentenced to a year in prison by a judge, and sentenced to, like, a million Hail Marys by a priest.

Peloton’s co-founder and CEO John Foley resigned amidst declining sales and layoffs. And boy are his legs tired.

For the first time, chimpanzees in the wild were seen capturing insects and applying them to wounds as a means of primitive medication. Then they were seen asking the guy watching them for Neosporin.

Florida is considering a controversial “don’t say gay” bill that bans discussions of gender identity in school classrooms. The bill is sponsored by legislators who apparently have never been in or around Miami.

Ye Olde Fighting Cocks, a pub in St. Albans that claims to be the oldest in Britain – having operated since 793A.D. – is closing. Scotland Yard is on the lookout for four fugitives who have yet to pay the world’s largest running bar tabs.

A Montgomery County, Pennsylvania couple were forced to deliver the wife’s baby in the front seat of their car when they were stuck in traffic. In lieu of baby gifts, they’re asking for the name of a good detailer for the front seat of their car.

Philadelphia is creating a new Citizens Police Oversight Commission, that will finally hear public complaints about police behavior, and also allow help citizens direct their bribes to the right cops.

Today Show host Hoka Kotb called off her engagement to Joel Schiffman, telling her audience she will Notb getting married.

Legendary quarterback Tom Brady announced his retirement from the NFL, but failed to mention the New England Patriots, owner Robert Kraft or coach Bill Belichick. Belichick said it was okay, because he’d already seen film of Brady discussing retirement with his wife & kids.

Walking Dead actor Moses Mosely passed away at age 31. No cause of death was given, but his brains were still uneaten.

Singer India Arie announced she’s pulling her music from Spotify in protest of podcaster Joe Rogan’s statements about race. Arie’s music will still be available for streaming in her living room.

A hiker in an Arizona park fell 700 feet to their death while taking a selfie atop a cliff. Worse, he didn’t buy the insurance for his phone.

A 40-person chair-throwing brawl erupted at a Golden Corral restaurant in suburban Philadelphia, allegedly because the all-you-can-eat buffet ran out of steak. No serious injures were reported, but police are praising an anonymous hero who was able to save the Chocolate Fountain.

Sarah Palin, 57, is reportedly dating retired New York Rangers hockey player Ron Duguay, 61. There’s some high-sticking, but it takes a little while.

The New York Times is acquiring word puzzle Wordle, and bracing for the fallout on February 5th when users see “Sorry, you’ve used up your free puzzles for the month.”

A U.K. study finds Outkast’s ‘Hey Ya!’ is the most distracting song to play while driving a car, with a high percentage of listeners shaking it like a polaroid picture into trees and guard rails.

Astronomers confirmed the existence of a mile-wide Earth Trojan asteroid in Earth’s orbit, but are not concerned that it will collide with our planet and cause damage. What they’re really worried about is the two-mile-wide Earth Magnum.

Jeopardy! champion Amy Schneider lost, ending a streak of 40 consecutive victories when she couldn’t remember Bangladesh as the only country ending in ‘H’. The third place finisher guessed Canadah.

Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer announced his retirement. President Biden is expected to nominate a liberal black woman, who, in turn, is expected to uphold the long fingernails of the law.

A Coatesville, Pennsylvania man followed a woman home and shot her & her brother because she bumped into him at a grocery store. The store has temporarily disabled the ability to buy handguns with loose change at Coinstar.

Spotify acted on Neil Young’s ultimatum and dropped his music from the service, keeping the Joe Rogan Podcast. Now a petition signed by 50 million Spotify subscribers asks Rogan to threaten to quit unless they pull the new Kid Rock single.

A 77-year-old Polish man is now sharing the story of a 20-year-old housekeeper, Irena Gut, who hid him and 12 other Jews in the basement of a Nazi officer’s home. He called her a lifesaver, but not exactly the best cleaner he’d ever seen.

Pope Francis called on parents to “never condemn” their gay children. Adding “and, you know, some child molesters aren’t all that bad either if you get to know ’em.”

A Philadelphia man shot his adult son, then the son took the gun and shot his father. No medical information is available on them, but police believe the two may never agree who the Eagles should take with their three first-round draft picks.

Scientists claim to have regrown a frog’s missing leg with a “chemical cocktail” – though they’re not sure it will taste as good as the one they removed.

Doctors conclude the COVID-19 vaccine will not impact menstruation, but women may still act kinda bitchy for a few days before they get it.

A man crashed his car into Taylor Swift’s New York City apartment building. He’s facing DUI charges once he shakes it off in a holding cell.

Starting in 2024, the the SAT Exam will move entirely online, allowing students to use calculators, bring their own laptop, and use Zoom to cheat off other kids answers.

Fox News reporter Peter Doocy said Joe Biden called his cell phone to “clear the air” after calling Doocy a “stupid son of a bitch” during a press conference. Biden ended the call by asking Doocy to say hi to Fox & Friends Steve Doocy, “that dumb sh*t father of yours”.

Tiffany Haddish told Jimmy Fallon that she asked God for a new man, and he sent her four in uniform – referencing cops during her recent DUI arrest. She’s expected to appear in court with her lawyer and better jokes.

Kanye West said he won’t overshare details of his relationships “like Will Smith and Jada Pinkett”. Because if there’s one thing he’s known for, it’s privacy and subtlety.

Kim Kardashian visited a black-owned coffee shop in Los Angeles with Hillary Clinton and Chelsea Clinton for a new Apple+ tv show, ‘Three People Nobody Wants To Be President.’

Neil Young is demanding his music be removed from streaming service Spotify because of podcaster Joe Rogan’s vaccine misinformation. Spotify paid Joe Rogan $100 million for his podcast, then cut a farewell check to Young for 38 cents for the 2021 streams of ‘Rockin’ In The Free World’.

Consumer products company Unilever, owner of Dove and Ben & Jerry’s, cut 1,500 jobs, saying the cows still on the payroll will just have to work harder.

Google intends to replace ‘cookies’ with ‘Topics’, behaviorally-targeted advertising based on assigning sites you visit into 300 topical categories. The categories are ‘Porn’, ‘Sites Used To Hide Porn’, and 298 others.

Actor Peter Dinklage called Disney’s forthcoming live-action Snow White movie “backward”, for continuing to depict Seven Dwarfs living in a cave. Disney offered a compromise, offering Dinklage a role as the new eighth dwarf, ‘Woke’.

Janet Jackson says in a new tv biography that name-calling from brother Michael was playful, but still hurt. She claims Michael called her “pig, cow, horse” and other insults, when he would look for her penis and not find anything.

The Department of Justice is investigating whether White House staff were bribed in exchange for Presidential pardons. They won’t say by who, but two bengal tigers are appearing at the White House Christmas Party.

Actor Ellen Page announced he is transgender and will be known as Elliott Page from now on. He said he did it to live as his authentic self, and for the 30% pay raise.

A California court told Dr. Dre to reveal his finances as part of ongoing divorce proceedings, or face $100,000 in fines. Dre said his accountant needs more time to relabel hundreds of expense entries currently categorized as “ho’s”.

Irene Bedard, the actress who voiced Pocahontas in the Disney animated film, was arrested two times for disorderly conduct while allegedly drunk. She was released into the custody of caring woodland creatures.

Apple released its annual list of Apps & Games of the Year – led by ‘The Ones That Make Us The Most Money’.

New York eatery The Meatball Shop is suing Jersey Shore’s Snooki and Deena, saying they stole trademarks for the sale of their own Meatball Squad merchandise. The lawsuit will likely be settled with an out-of-court sit-down.

On Monday night, stargazers witnessed a Beaver Full Moon, named by Native Americans for the time of year when beavers finish building winter lodges, and named by Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt for entirely different reasons.

Amazon added webcam support to its Fire TV Cube streaming device. Just say “Alexa, show me naked people in front of a webcam.”

TikTok is reportedly testing videos up to 3 minutes long, up from the current 1 minute, so you can watch your kid’s terrible dancing for three times longer.

Spotify announced it now hosts a catalog of 1.9 million different podcasts – equal to 114 million minutes of trees falling in a forest.

Beyonce is partnering with Peloton on “various forms of fitness class curation” and “extra sturdy bicycle seats”.

Scooby-Doo co-creator Ken Spears passed away at age 82. No signs of foul play, but the gang is investigating the abandoned amusement park where his body was found just in case.

Donald Trump, Jr and girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle are reportedly interested in taking over the GOP National Committee from current Chair Ronna McDaniel. They’re disappointed that large GOP donors don’t want lap dances from her.

NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine – an appointee of Donald Trump – said he will step down once Biden takes office. Biden plans to accept the resignation and told Bridenstine “may the Space Force be with you”.

Spotify is acquiring podcast hosting company Megaphone. Megaphone hosts over 5,000 podcasts reaching about 4,000 listeners.

Researchers say injectable drug cabotegravir is most effective at preventing women from contracting HIV from an infected partner. So, one injection, then all the unprotected injections they want after that.

General Motors will reintroduce the Hummer as an all-electric vehicle, but will limit sales to prevent rolling blackouts while owners recharge them.

The Masters golf tournament will be played this week. It’s unique in that it’s happening in November, and the star attraction is a black dude who actually voted for Trump.

Twitter may limit ‘Likes’ for posts containing misinformation. But stolen jokes and memes will still rack ’em up.

Ulta will open hundreds of makeup & beauty shops in Target stores. Not to be outdone, Walmart will open its own in-store makeup and beauty shops from Spirit Halloween.

Volkswagen is investing $800 million in a Tennessee auto factory to make next-generation electric vehicles. However, they’re having hiring issues because most Tennesseans don’t think cars can really run on electricity.

Antarctica is melting six times as much ice mass as it was 40 years ago. That’s bad news for global warming, but good news for whales and penguins wanting more space of their own to swim in.

Pacific Gas & Electric – California’s largest power utility – plans to declare bankruptcy in the wake of liability costs for massive wildfires they allegedly started. The company could end up so broke, they’ll have to shut off their own electricity.

A 34-year-old Indiana woman threw 4 bras & 14 panties she’d shoplifted at Kohl’s out of a moving car going 97 mph while being pursued by police. “Wow, how many naked women are in that car?!” asked excited cops who joined the pursuit late and didn’t know what was going on.

Dutch astronaut AndrĂ© Kulpers accidentally dialed 911 while placing a call from the International Space Station. The call triggered an alert at NASA’s Johnson Space Center in Houston, Texas. An operator told Kulpers to stay on the line, Houston police would be there in about 5 months.

‘Big Daddy’ Don Garlits, Joe Amato and other drag racing legends will come out of retirement to drag race in the National Hot Rod Association Legends Tour. All are excited to have one last chance to die doing what they love.

Facebook is planning to allow users to message people who reply that they’re ‘interested’ in an Event. Now you can ask ‘interested’ attendees “why aren’t you coming?”

Apple’s AirPower mat – where you rest multiple Apple devices to charge simultaneously – has reportedly gone into production. Apple recommends placing the mat on a high shelf so that your iPhones and AirPods fall off and break so you buy new ones.

Spotify struck a deal with India’s largest record label, agreeing to become the largest global streaming service to offer weird, snake-charmer-sounding music.

Comcast’s NBC Universal announced a streaming tv service to compete with Netflix, Hulu and others – but which will be free for Comcast Xfinity cable subscribers. It’s targeted to people who want to lie about being cord-cutters who like lousy customer service.

YouTube updated the navigation controls in its mobile app, making it that much harder to skip through your friend’s standup comedy videos.

Facebook is in talks with banks to add your personal financial information to Messenger. “You Are Now Connected to the Hacker Who Will Drain Your Checking Account On Messenger” reads the notification that Facebook is preparing.

Bankruptcies among senior citizens have tripled since 1991 — explaining the Osmond Family Good Time Review playing to near-empty theaters in Branson, Missouri.

The long-horned tick, an invasive new species, is spreading in the U.S. The tick sucks up so much blood it can barely stand on its own. Experts say if you see one, grab it by its cane or walker and kill it.

Police were called after Kendall Jenner’s Doberman pinscher bit a young girl at an outdoor cafĂ©. Jenner at first denied it, but was then showed the dog’s 500,000-follower Instagram account where it posted a picture biting the child’s hand with the caption “OMG I luv me sum bites on baby hands”.

The United States moved to restore economic sanctions against Iran that have been waived for the past two years. Among them, Iran will no longer be able to spend U.S. dollars, and their Amazon Prime privileges will be revoked, so they’ll have to settle for standard shipping.

Former White House Communications Director Hope Hicks was spotted boarding Air Force One for President Trump’s trip to a campaign rally in Ohio. However, since Hicks was in Boarding Group 6, she had to gate-check her bag because the overhead bins were all full of Diet Coke and KFC.

Singer Carrie Underwood is catching heat for saying that, at age 35, she thinks she missed out on the chance to have a “big family” to join her husband and 3-year-old son. Meanwhile three different 40+ Duggar women gave birth to seven children in the time it took Underwood to finish her quote.

Apple, Spotify, YouTube & Facebook removed Alex Jones InfoWars content. Jones and his fans complained but the four platforms said it never happened, it was all a hoax.

A masked man entered the studio of Wisconsin radio station WORT FM and fired a gun at three disc jockeys working there. One dj was struck in the buttocks and was treated for minor injuries; the other two were uninjured. The shooter remains at large, still angry that they wouldn’t play ‘Mr. Roboto.’

According to a CNBC profile, fewer than 1% of applicants to be Delta Airlines flight attendants get the job, compared to 4.8% of Harvard applicants who are accepted. “What’s Harvard Airlines?” asked a new Delta flight attendant.

The NFL’s Los Angeles Rams and New Orleans Saints will be the first two teams to welcome men to their respective cheerleading squads this season. The men will be held to the same rules against fraternizing with the players — you know which ones.

The personal data of 150 million users of My Fitness Pal was breached by hackers. “Oh no, I’d better stop exercising until this gets figured out!” said over 149 million users.

This week, Google Maps is letting users play ‘Where’s Waldo?’ in the app, leading to record app usage and record volume of 7-year-olds totalling the family car.

Tiger Woods and his ex-girlfriend Kristin Smith are reportedly in arbitration, with Smith asking to be released from a non-disclosure agreement she’d signed.