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Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli will be sentenced today for their guilty pleas in the college admissions scandal. They’re hoping to get into country club prisons after sending the judge six-figure checks and photos of themselves playing golf.

The Centers for Disease Control released a study of ‘youthful behavior’, claiming U.S. teens are having unprotected sex, driving drunk and vaping. The study’s authors said it was the most fun they’ve had gathering data.

An alligator was photographed grabbing a golf ball with his mouth at Idlewild Golf Course in Patterson, Louisiana. He was removed for not wearing a collared shirt and pants.

Three states – Montana, West Virginia & Kentucky – will pay an extra $100 to bring weekly unemployment benefits to $400. The states agreed to the extra funds following an intense lobbying effort from meth dealers.

New Era Cap company withdrew its naming sponsorship of the Buffalo Bills stadium. With no current sponsor, they’ll call it Bills Stadium in September and October, and Frostbite Field after that.

A Philadelphia company is being sued by Pennsylvania’s attorney general for selling Purell hand sanitizer for $75 on the Amazon Marketplace. “Yeah, but what about the FREE shipping?!” replied their lawyer.

Germany is considering a law forcing dog owners to take their pups on two one-hour walks each day. Dog owners believe it’s excessive, as do dogs, who are worried about burning out sniffing so many butts and peeing on hydrants.

The Senate Intelligence Committee concluded Donald Trump had business partners in Russia tied to organized crime and human trafficking. They added it was pretty easy to make the connection, since the business was named Trump Humans.

Google Maps is updating their app with boundary lines for wildfires, which will also tell you how far it is to the nearest exploding gas station.

Thom Brennaman – broadcaster fired from his jobs with the Cincinnati Reds and Fox Sports – wrote in an op-ed for the Cincinnati Enquirer that he didn’t know the word “fag” was hate speech. He plans to start an organization promoting tolerance, which he’ll name the C*cksucker Foundation.

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President Trump made history as the first U.S. President to set foot in North Korea, then promptly blew it by asking for his dry cleaning.

Observers questioned where North Korean leader Kim Jong Un acquired a Rolls Royce limousine. He claims it was a reward for straight-As in every class he ever took, but privately everyone assumes he assassinated the guy who used to own it.

Taylor Swift published a scathing Tumblr post over her music catalogue being acquired by music industry mogul & talent manager Scooter Braun. The public is hoping Braun will do the right thing and burn all of it.

Meghan Markle attended the Yankees/Red Sox series in London, and gave all of the players ceremonial baseballs with her phone number written on them.

The Buffalo Bills are selling pieces of artifical turf recently removed from their home at New Era Field. They make the perfect gift for someone you hope never has anything good happen to them.

Facebook, AirBNB and Google all have policies forbidding employees from asking another employee on a date twice. So it’s either get rejected and give up, or really make that first date count.

In South Africa, magician Li Lau was struck in the head with an arrow when one of his tricks went wront. Li is expected to recover, and will continue to refine his Don’t Get Hit In The Head With An Arrow illusion.

The New York Mets honored the 50th Anniversary of their 1969 Amazin’ Mets championship team, but mistakenly included two living players in an ‘In Memoriam’ slideshow. No members of the 2019 Mets were shown, though a lot of them wish they were dead.

A new study from broker Edward Jones claims 38% of women admit being hindered from making life decisions by a lack of financial knowledge – adding that it’s just too much work emptying their bag to see how much money is in it.

The Centers for Disease Control warns Americans to take precautions against ‘cryptosporidium’ – a fecal bacteria that can live for days in public swimming pools, causing up to three weeks worth of “profuse, watery diarrhea”. They advise anyone with diarrhea not to swim for up to two weeks, angering water park owners who say they count on sick people to stay in business.