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GOP House Speaker Paul Ryan said that he will retire from politics, saying he wants to be more than a ‘weekend father’ – and a ‘weekday White House nanny’.

A Nigerian man was arrested after being caught in possession of over $400,000 in counterfeit bills. Police were alerted to the scam by an email from the Prince of Nigeria.

Conservative commentator Jamie Allman’s St. Louis-area tv show was canceled after tweeting about preparing a hot poker to shove up the ass of Parkland high schooler and gun reform advocate David Hogg. Sinclair Broadcasting, owner of Allman’s old network, said that the poker comment was the byproduct of an unusually cold winter.

Spotify and Hulu are teaming up to offer a $13 monthly subscription bundle. It comes with unlimited time on hold for tech support.

Lizzy Martinez, a 17-year-old Florida high-school student was forced to cover her ‘distracting’ protruding nipples with band-aids because she wasn’t wearing a bra. Martinez is organizing a ‘bracott’ for Monday, but wasn’t available to talk about it because she’s like, literally, buried with promposals.

Following Martinez’ nipple incident, the Florida state legislature convened an emergency session to pass a bill requiring high-school girls to wear clear plastic blouses to prove they’re wearing a bra.

Stormy Daniels’ ‘Make America Horny Again’ Wednesday shows at Truth Detroit strip club were postponed. A spokesman for the club said there was a problem with the private jet bringing Daniels to Detroit. The problem is that it broke down, and also that it’s a Kia Sedona.

California Gov Jerry Brown announced they’ll send some National Guard members to patrol the California/Mexico border. The California guards are expected to arrive just as soon as they complete mandatory spray tanning and fittings for red swimsuits.

NASA announced research project Micro-11, where they’ll be shooting frozen human sperm in to space. The project was delayed while NASA scientists determined how to allow astronauts to spacewalk without pants on, and how to project porn on the outer wall of the International Space Station.

Secretary of State nominee Mike Pompeo faces a Senate confirmation hearing, with Democrats asking about his plans for dealing with North Korea and the humanitarian crisis in Syria – and Republicans asking if he’s related to Ellen Pompeo of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’.

 

 

 

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Retailers are battling slumping sales by offering their own subscription services. Gap, Old Navy and even Fruit of the Loom will send you clothes for a fixed monthly fee – though single male Fruit of the Loom subscribers are confused as to why they’d need new underwear more than once every couple of years.

Khloe Kardashian confirmed that she’s pregnant. She’s already fired two ultrasound technicians who didn’t know how to Snapchat sonograms.

  • Next week on ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’, Khloe’s fetus fights with Kourtney over where to spend Christmas vacation.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Idaho passed Illinois as the 5th most-populous state, thanks to Idaho’s booming tech scene and Chicago’s booming murder scene.

Apple confirms that a software feature released last year slows older iPhones to offset issues with the phones’ aging batteries. In a statement Apple said their goal is to deliver the best experience for owners of iPhones – purchased within the last month.

Chipotle shares dropped 5% following reports of sick customers and employees at an L.A. location. Coincidentally, those persons’ weight dropped 5%.

Facebook announced that it’s changing the way it identifies ‘Fake News’ in users’ feeds. They are replacing the ‘Disputed Flag’ with a Breitbart byline.

The House of Representatives introduced a measure to continue to fund the Children’s Health Insurance Program through March – it’s a GoFundMe where donors give a nickel for every 30-lb seated bicep curl Paul Ryan does.

Defense Secretary James ‘Mad Dog’ Mattis visited Guantanamo Bay to deliver a message of Holiday good cheer to the troops, and a continuous loop of Paul McCartney’s ‘Wonderful Christmastime’ to the prisoners.

Senator Al Franken delivered his final speech to the U.S. Senate, and afterward hugged male colleagues and waved to females.

The AARP issued a list of reasons it opposes the new tax reform law, as younger Americans pretended to listen to them and care what they have to say.

 

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Delta Airlines agreed to purchase up to 200 new Airbus jets.  The first jets are set to be delivered in 2020, but Delta told Airbus not to rush, they’re not really all that concerned with on-time arrivals.

Two Florida women accused of shoplifting in Best Buy by placing items in an empty baby stroller were caught after crashing their getaway car. One of the thieves made a last ditch effort to fool arresting officers by breast-feeding a stolen Xbox.

Both Steve Bannon and President Trump have urged Roy Moore to concede defeat to Doug Jones in the race for U.S. Senate earlier this week. Moore has yet to do so, saying he’s awaiting results of a recount and that he left his phone in his horse’s saddlebag.

Reports suggest that Kim Jong Un’s top military aide, Vice Marshal Hwang Pyong-so, has been executed. Hwang was last seen on October 13th modeling his Donald Trump Halloween costume and asking around about Christmas bonuses.

ABC’s Robin Roberts bid a snarky ‘Bye Felicia’ to outgoing Trump aide Omarosa Manigault Newman, leading Omarosa to reply by calling Roberts ‘petty’ and declaring ‘black woman civil war – the first civil war ever declared over black women’.

Republican Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is rumored to be retiring from politics at the end of 2018 – a move expected to leave GOP congressmen scrambling to find a new leader for midday P90X sessions.

400 Subway franchise owners signed a petition protesting the planned return of the sandwich chain’s $5 Footlong promotion in January, saying that their profits are already strained from switching to chemical-free bread and using real mayonnaise instead of drywall spackle.

Facebook is adding a 30-day ‘Snooze’ button so that you can take a break from a person, page or group, after research showed users preferred telling annoying Facebookers they were asleep instead of saying they unfriended them.

Peyton Manning surprised travelers at Denver International Airport when he dropped in on a football trivia contest being held there. He missed the first six questions and was benched in favor of a traveling hardware salesman whose flight was delayed by snow.

A Boston Globe report states that women working at ESPN face a culture of rampant sexism and hostility. The report claims several women went so far as to try and hide their pregnancies, but keen-eyed Jon Gruden used super slo-mo and a telestrator to highlight their concealed baby bumps.

 

 

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Walmart is raising prices of many household goods for sale at Walmart.com, so that shoppers will buy them at Walmart stores instead. Consumer advocates are calling the higher online prices “totally worth it to avoid having to go to Walmart.”

The Wall Street Journal reports that Illumination Entertainment – producers of the popular ‘Despicable Me’ & ‘Minions’ movies – are planning an animated Super Mario Brothers movie. Insiders expect the project to be delayed pending the resolution of longstanding sexual harassment & groping allegations against co-star Bowser.

A federal judge struck down a Kentucky requirement for women getting abortions to have an ultrasound beforehand, when lawyers for the state admitted no one in Kentucky knew how to work an ultrasound machine.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions testified before Congress for 5 1/2 hours, then forgot about it until he saw himself on the news.

Alabama GOP candidate for Senate and alleged child molester Roy Moore said that Mitch McConnell’s days as Senate Majority Leader are “coming to an end….faster than a 14-old-girl running out of a mall on roller skates..”

Apple faces criticism regarding the security of its Face ID security feature, after a 10-year-old boy unlocked his mother’s iPhone X with his face. The Mom also faces scrutiny from her 10-year-old boy for her gallery full of photos of the UPS guy.

The NFL held a groundbreaking ceremony for the now-Oakland Raiders’ new stadium in Las Vegas, and uncovered the bodies of several dozen buried mobsters.

A bar in New Jersey boycotted showing Sunday NFL games in favor of a fundraising event for veterans. $8,000 was collected – $3,000 in donations and $5,000 in fines for bar fights and drunk driving.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced that all House Representatives will be required to complete anti-sexual harassment and anti-discrimination training. “Does that include the White House?” asked President Trump.

  • The anti-harassment and anti-discrimination training comes following decades of fully-attended pro-harassment and pro-discrimination courses taken by Congress.

Mozilla hopes to double the speed of its signature Firefox browser with the introduction of Firefox Quantum – a new browser for people who love porn but lack spare time.

 

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During Melania Trump’s visit to Tokyo, she will be protected by an all-female security unit, which is what they’re calling the women who work at Gucci.

Dame Judi Dench said in an interview with Britain’s Sky News that she feels ’emotionally torn’ by the rampant Hollywood sexual misconduct allegations, and ‘physically left out of them’.

BMW is recalling one million vehicles to address a fire risk. The U.S. Postal Service is calling it 2017’s largest Mass Mailing To Huge Douchebags, surpassing invitations to the Presidential Inaugural Ball.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan trumpeted the simplicity of the proposed GOP Tax Plan revisions, saying 95% of Americans could file their tax return on a postcard, leaving most Americans wondering how to send a postcard from their computer.

The University of Notre Dame said they will no longer cover birth control for students and staff. The move is expected to have no impact on the football and basketball teams, who are neither.

  • If you think they’re Fighting Irish now, wait’ll you see the arguments over who should use protection.

Finnish airline Finnair is asking passengers to volunteer to be weighed along with their luggage prior to boarding. The airline said they’re trying to validate their estimates of a jet’s total weight. They’re also trying to placate passengers whose bags they lose that they’ve lost 40 pounds!

A screenwriter and actress have both accused Dustin Hoffman of sexual harassment. “Mr Hoffman, are you trying to seduce me?” they said.

Users of the new iPhone 8 are saying that a ‘discreet calling’ feature allowing for stealth help calls by users in danger is causing frequent, accidental 911 calls. Exasperated 911 operators are also saying that while iPhone users have them on the line, they ask how to change their settings.

Dealing with his own allegations of sexual misconduct, Jeremy Piven returned to the set of CBS drama Wisdom Of The Crowd. Piven denied the allegations, and believes they’ll be overshadowed by the announcement of his show being cancelled in two weeks.

President Trump told a local radio show that he’d “love to get involved” with the Department of Justice, even though he’s not supposed to. Said Justice Department-appointed special counsel Robert Mueller “Then I have some great news for him!”

President Trump’s personal Twitter account was taken down for 11 minutes on Thursday. Twitter explained that it was done by a contract worker on their last day there. The contractor awoke Friday to an inbox filled with more job offers than they know what to do with.