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A new company is using Artificial Intelligence to help bartenders determine who to serve next in a crowded bar. The AI identifies which customer has the largest breasts.

In India, a 7-year-old boy underwent a procedure to have 526 teeth removed from his jaw…and boy is his bully’s arm tired.

A man speaking into his Apple Watch helped first responders locate him in the rubble of his collapsed house. It’s believed to be the first time anyone moved closer to a douchebag talking into their Apple Watch.

The CrossFit Games wrapped up over the weekend in Madison Wisconsin. Wisconsin dairy farmers want to know when they’re getting their goddamned tractor tires back.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell fell at his Kentucky home and fractured his shoulder. He was transported to a local hospital, where doctors took x-rays to rule out an injury to his backbone, before determining that he doesn’t have one.

A man in Spain was arrested after filming a video throwing a refrigerator off of a cliff. He was ordered by police to haul the refrigerator back up, and was ordered by his wife to clean out the rotten produce drawer.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest released its list of unhealthiest foods from chain restaurants. Their worst offender is Sonic’s Oreo Peanut Butter Master Shake, which has 1,700 calories, and, they claim, is like eating 15 Oreos with a cup of lard. A Sonic spokesperson clarified that the cup of lard costs extra.

Egyptian officials say that King Tut’s coffin is in “very bad condition”, adding “and that’s just the outside.”

The author of a viral post claims to have found a hot dog that tastes like steak. They discovered it by trying the steak at Golden Corral.

The Philadelphia Phillies are suing the company that created their Phillie Phanatic mascot to keep it from working for other teams.  Agents for the Phanatic want more money, and say the Phillies are already paying millions to other guys in Phillies jerseys who can’t hit or pitch.

 

 

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Thomas Hatchett, an 86-year-old resident at a New Jersey retirement community, was charged with the shooting death of a 71-year-old fellow resident. Hatchett was apprehended watching whatever he wanted to on the rec room tv.

Nike canceled its Betsy Ross Flag shoes after Colin Kaepernick raised concerns – then laid off the bonnet-wearing Indonesian factory women sewing the flags on the shoes while sitting in rocking chairs.

Former Google employee Andy Rubin – founder of the Android operating system – is accused in divorce proceedings of having several mistresses and of running a ‘sex ring’. “Tell me more about this Android sex ring” said lonely Japanese bachelors.

The deadly poison Sarin was detected at a mailing facility on the Facebook campus. Employee reactions ranged from Wow! to Angry to Sad.

A former NASA intern who purchased footage of the 1969 moon landing for $218 may earn millions when it’s auctioned by Sotheby’s, who rated the video “flawless”. The auction will take place just as soon as someone edits out the director yelling “Action!”

A 70-year-old marathoner who set an age group record in the L.A. Marathon was disqualified for cheating. He claims he isn’t a bad guy, citing the 5-star review he gave to his Uber driver.

A Jim Beam warehouse containing 45,000 whiskey barrels caught fire. “I’LL save you!” said alcoholic Superman.

Domestic violence charges were dropped against Philadelphia Phillies outfielder Odubel Herrera.  Observers speculated that Herrera has four balls, cause it looks like he’s gonna walk.

A 10-foot 800-pound shark was tracked off of the Jersey Shore in Cape May. It’s believed the shark is a local, since it complained about the calamari.

President Trump’s July 4th celebration is rumored to be costing the National Parks Service $2.3 million – angering those saying that money is for employees who never clean or deodorize National Park restrooms.

 

 

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A Washington state man was charged in connection with a murder-for-hire plot where he contracted to have his wife killed, but the killer murdered her sister by mistake. He’s charged with conspiracy, and illegally demanding a buy-one-get-one-free murder.

An American Airlines flight attendant spilled a tray of drinks on the company’s CEO Doug Parker. Parker then asked if he could have a full can of soda and she said no.

An 80-year-old New York City man was arrested for the 1973 murder of two women in Virginia Beach. At his arraignment, he said he would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling teenage relatives sending DNA to Ancestry.com.

Lori Loughlin now faces money laundering charges in the college admission scandal. A judge spent 20 minutes telling her that the charge was for sending money to a fake offshore charity, and not like the time D.J. put her wallet in the washing machine.

A social media columnist has coined the phrase “cloaking” – a form of “ghosting” where you not only stand up your date, but also block them on every social media and dating app. In other words, it’s how you treat your parents, except for the date part.

A Quebec family returning from a road trip to Florida kept driving to Canada after their 87-year-old patriarch died in the car, to avoid U.S. health care costs. They were pleased with the savings, but angry at being pulled over six times after tying him to the roof.

Uber introduced Uber Vouchers, where participating hotels, restaurants and clubs can place credits in customer’s Uber accounts to help pay for their rides and harrowing assaults.

A burglar broke into Atlanta Braves outfielder Nick Markakis’ Atlanta home last month while he was away, stealing five guns and $20,000 cash. Markakis said he meant to bring at least one of the guns with him to carry while he played right field in Philadelphia.

Walmart is expanding its use of in-store robots for cleaning and inventory, saying they want human workers to spend time interacting with customers. Walmart also said they’re updating the robots software so they’ll steal fewer Xboxes.

Warner Brothers ordered the Trump 2020 campaign to stop using music and fonts from 2013 Batman movie ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ in their promo materials. However, they said Trump can use the Bane mask when he talks so it’ll be harder to understand him.

 

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President Trump continues to threaten to close the U.S./Mexico border this week, now that all the Young Republicans have wrapped up Spring Break in Cancun.

Experts claim if the U.S./Mexico border is closed down, the U.S. would run out of avocados in three weeks – meaning, Chipotle would stop serving their guacamole in just over two months.

McDonald’s angered Australian customers it fooled with an April Fool’s prank announcing the McPickle, a Big Mac-like burger filled with pickles. Later, McDonald’s Australia issued a statement acknowledging the joke and saying they’ll resume making burgers with kangaroo and horse meat.

A 1915 Coca-Cola bottle, a prototype of the iconic swirling glass bottle with script lettering, is expected to sell for over $150,000 at auction. Had the bottle been stored with real Coke in it, it would have disintegrated 99 years ago.

Jennifer Lopez and Cardi B are filming ‘Hustlers’, a movie about strippers who turn the tables on their clients. Producers changed the name to ‘Hustlers’ from its original name ‘The Cardi B. Story’.

Following Bryce Harper’s mammoth home run for the Philadelphia Phillies, Atlanta Braves pitcher Shane Carle hit the next batter, Rhys Hoskins. After the game, Phillies manager Gabe Kapler said “it really pisses me off when balls go underneath Rhys Hoskins’ chin”. Hoskins asked Kapler to not do the talking for him from now on.

Climate change may melt decades worth of human poop on Denali, the tallest mountain in North America. The name was previously changed from Mt. McKinley to Denali. If global warming exposes the excrement, the National Parks Service may change it again to Ramada.

Indianapolis Colts QB Andrew Luck married his longtime girlfriend Nicole Pechanec, earning her the title of Lady Luck.

Conor McGregor, who retired from fighting after allegedly assaulting a woman in Ireland, tweeted he wants to fight ‘actress’ Mark Wahlberg to get his ownership stake in UFC. Given that McGregor has already assaulted a woman, a victory would raise his mixed-gender fighting record to 2-0.

Police responding to a medical call at a Bismarck, North Dakota business found “several” dead bodies.  Officials are calling it the second-worst-ever grand opening of Jersey Mike’s subs.