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American Airlines has so much extra wine they’re selling it to the public. Bottles cost $13 to $40, but for an extra $100 they’ll send a flight attendant to your house that you can hit on while you drink it.

Former Trump economic adviser Kevin Hassett approves of Joe Biden’s $1.9 trillion economic rescue program, saying he has his eye on a $1,400 set of golf clubs.

Banks United and Professional Bank, will no longer do business with Donald Trump after his role in the DC riots; this follows Deutsche Bank and Signature Bank ending their business. However, Trump is still welcome at his bank, according to Monopoly Guy Rich Uncle Pennybags.

Canines will sniff-screen Miami Heat fans attending home games for COVID-19. If the dog detects the virus, all members of that person’s party will be refused entry. If the dog smells cancer, the animal will ignore it.

Mattel introduced a new Barbie inspired by Maya Angelou. Turns out Ken is kinda into older black chicks.

Riley June Williams, the 22-year-old woman accused of stealing Nancy Pelosi’s laptop, was released from jail pending trial. She’s rumored to be the star of a Fox News version of The Bachelorette, where she’ll choose from 40 eligible Proud Boys.

University of Notre Dame Football was found in violation of NCAA recruiting rules. Their punishment is bowl-ineligibility for a year, and saying ten rosaries.

Joe Biden issued an Executive Order to combat hunger – a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup.

The James Bond film ‘No Time To Die’ and ‘Ghostbusters: Afterlife’ have both been delayed from summer 2021 to fall, after AMC Theaters announced everyone attending movies before October would be required to get a vaccine, large popcorn and drink.

After outcry over their removal from the Capitol to sleep in a parking garage, National Guard troops were allowed back in the Capitol building. Although it’s taking a while, because a lot of them lost their tickets to exit the garage.

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Paleontologists say they’ve discovered the first preserved dinosaur butthole. They describe it as “unique”, “perfect”, and “tough enough to withstand the 10-foot long backbones of the other dinosaurs it ate”.

Donald Trump gave his final goodbye speech, telling a small crowd of supporters that he’ll be “back in some form”. Las Vegas oddsmakers believe that form will be either “convicted felon” or “bipedal lizard”.

Federal investigators added two more charges to Riley June Williams, the woman accused of stealing Nancy Pelosi’s laptop. Video evidence was provided by Williams’ ex-boyfriend, who will be the first person to collect reward money for online stalking.

Pfizer told Canada it won’t receive any shipments of COVID-19 vaccines next week, since it needs more time to make them maple flavored.

Alec Baldwin left Twitter, making his portrayal of Donald Trump more accurate.

Warner Brothers announced a ‘prequel’ to ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’, to be released in 2023, called ‘Willy Wonka, Dwarf Collector‘.

Indianapolis Colts QB Philip Rivers announced his retirement after 17 NFL seasons, saying it’s safe to do so now that his 9 kids are all out of diapers.

A new study finds residents of multi-unit dwellings are more likely to contract COVID-19 – especially if the multi-unit dwelling has “senior” or “nursing” in its name.

Ivanka Trump wrote a self-congratulatory farewell letter to Washington, claiming she’d come there to “fight for American families” – specifically, the Trumps and Kushners.

Of the 100+ pardons issued by President Trump, there was none for ‘Tiger King’ Joe Exotic, or ‘Lawyer King’ Rudy Eccentric.

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Ben Affleck and girlfriend Ana de Armas broke up. A source said they’re at different points in their life – his point is about 30 years ahead of hers.

Pearl Jam reportedly sent threatening letters to U.K. tribute band Pearl Jamm, telling them to change their name and stop selling merchandise. Pearl Jamm’s attorneys say they won’t comply, citing landmark legal case ‘Van Halen v Vann Halenn‘.

A man was discovered living in Chicago’s O’Hare Airport for 3 months, claiming he was afraid to fly home to Los Angeles because of COVID-19. He was arrested, but immediately entered rehab to treat a Cinnabon addiction.

The New York Mets fired GM Jared Porter after discovering he’d sent explicit text messages and photos to a female reporter back in 2016. Porter is expected to begin a new job as Brett Favre’s publicist.

Melania Trump will not follow tradition and give incoming First Lady Jill Biden a tour of the White House living quarters prior to the Inauguration. Melania claimed it wasn’t rudeness, it’s because of Taco Tuesday.

A woman in the U.K. claims that her Gwyneth Paltrow ‘vagina candle’ exploded. Paltrow’s rep said you’re not actually supposed to light it, you just move your hands gently around it until it gets warmed up.

A Canadian teen, lost and separated from his snowmobiling group, told authorities he survived the night by staying in a snow cave that he made. “You mean that we made” said a friendly bear.

Police in Spain discovered two tons of cocaine in a shipment of charcoal. They arrested a drug dealer who really messed up helping out at the fire department chicken barbecue.

The FBI arrested Riley June Williams, 22, accused of stealing a laptop from Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s office during the DC riots. No word on the laptop, other than it has a new high score in Candy Crush.

Tomorrow, the “nuclear football” will transfer from Donald Trump to Joe Biden. Biden hasn’t decided whether he’ll wipe all the New England Patriots autographs off of it.