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A New Jersey man received the first-ever successful face and double-hand transplant. “Don’t give me that look” said his girlfriend.

Experts warn the U.K. variant of COVID-19 could be the most deadly, going so far as calling it The British Cooking of Respiratory Illnesses.

In a secret ballot, Republicans in the House of Representatives voted 145-61 to keep Liz Cheney in her leadership post. However, they voted 196-10 to denounce ‘veggie platter’ as the snack served during the meeting.

Back-country skiers have died in separate avalanche incidents in Colorado, Utah, and New Hampshire. In each case, calls to resign have been ignored by local Saint Bernards.

Some Sam’s Club warehouse store locations are ready to administer COVID-19 vaccines, provided you need 50 of them.

Researchers are concerned that a lethal disease killing chimpanzees in Sierra Leone – that’s a 99% DNA match for COVID-19 – will jump to humans. Local health officials continue to to advise humans to stop making out with chimpanzees.

After multiple players tested positive for COVID-19 , the National Women’s Hockey League cancelled its ‘bubble’ season in Lake Placid, New York. It’s a crippling blow to the league, and the two budget hotels in Lake Placid, New York.

Following his positive diagnosis, Michael Strahan returned to ‘Good Morning America’ to say “You don’t want COVID…but you DO want these terrific deals on TVs for the big game!”

The New York Times published an article about Jonathan Jacob Meijer, a Dutch musician who allegedly fathered over 300 children via sperm donation – and boy, is his arm tired.

LEGO announced they’ll refuse to make or sell products based on modern military equipment. Kids wanting to shoot the s**t out of LEGO people will just have to use the Millenium Falcon.

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Walmart announced they’ll stop selling ammunition for assault-style weapons. Sam’s Club announced a name change to Sam’s Gun Glub.

Ivanka Trump cut her hair in a blunt bob above the shoulders. “Who’s the hot soccer mom?” her Dad asked an aide when Ivanka returned to Washington.

McKrae Game, founder of Hope for Wholeness Network, a conversion therapy program designed to rid people of their gay identities, came out himself as gay. Friends and program participants grew suspicious when he expanded Disco Night to 7 nights/week.

Grocery chain Kroger asked its customers to no longer openly carry firearms into stores. If two people are fighting over the last rotisserie chicken, a store manager will flip a coin to settle it instead of the usual shootout.

Jonah Hill is engaged to girlfriend Gianna Santos. Santos is picking out a dress, and Hill is deciding whether to be big or thin.

Four 10-year-old white boys posted an online diss track directed at Cardi B, with hurtful lines like “you belong in a zoo” and “they could fix your teeth but they couldn’t fix your face.” Cardi replied “go drink your motherf**king milk”. Security is being beefed up for the 4th Grade Talent Show.

Viral video showed a rat falling into a deep fryer at a Whataburger restaurant in Texas. His family requests privacy during this difficult time as they mourn at a nearby Burger King.

Mental health websites in Europe were discovered to be sharing user data with advertisers, according to people bombarded with ads asking if they were “crazy about Perrier.”

A kilo of cocaine washed up on a Melbourne, Florida beach in the wake of Hurricane Dorian. Dorian now owes El Chapo’s cousin twenty grand.

Michigan became the first state to ban flavored e*cigarettes. Ohio seized on the opportunity to boost tourism, announcing the Watermelon Juul Pod Festival.

 

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A Texas woman, accused of sending explosives to Barack Obama and Texas Governor Greg Abbott, was apprehended by federal authorities. Investigators matched a cat hair found under the shipping label on one of the packages to the woman’s cat – who has entered the Witness Protection Program at an undisclosed retirement community.

Researchers at Penn State University write that the common housefly is more disgusting than originally thought, acting as an “airborne shuttle for disease”. Penn State was immediately sued by American Airlines, who trademarked the phrase “airborne shuttle for disease.”

Boulder, Colorado was named the Happiest City in America. Respondents cited the wide availability of recreational marijuana and…that’s about it.

A hunter in Sherman, New York shot and killed a woman after mistaking her for a deer. “That’s no dear, that was my wife!” said her cut-up widowed husband.

Four pit bulls attacked a man behind a Philadelphia home on Thanksgiving night, and the man died later at a hospital. However, local news reported that the dog bites were not the cause of death, leading to speculation that the man had complained to the dogs about illness from the Thanksgiving dinner they made for him.

Arizona State University rescinded a journalistic excellence award it presented to Charlie Rose in 2015. However, since Rose walked naked in front of women and repeatedly made lewd overtures to them, he’s been named the Honorary Chairman of every Arizona State fraternity.

Macy’s credit card processors stopped working for an extended period on Black Friday. “Credit card processors” are what Macy’s calls the angry men & women working the checkout.

President Trump tweeted that he was approached by Time Magazine to be their 2017 Person of the Year, but that he turned it down because it would require a lengthy interview and photo shoot. Time writers & photographers are reportedly bummed out because now they have to go all the way to North Korea.

A Dartmouth University study reveals that people who shop at warehouse clubs like Costco, Sam’s and BJ’s eat 11% more fat and 5% more sugar than those who don’t shop at clubs. Club members were shocked by the information and assumed they were getting at least 20% more fat and 10% more sugar by buying in bulk.

Apple is facing new accusations that its iPhone X is being manufactured by Chinese high school students who work 11-hour days to meet a mandatory “work experience” requirement to graduate. Apple CEO Tim Cook, speaking at a high school graduation, told students “this isn’t the end of your iPhone X assembly career, it’s the beginning of your iPad assembly career.”

A burned body was found on top of a SEPTA Regional Rail car in downtown Philadelphia. Riders of the train reported that it still smelled better than most of the passengers.