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A self-described transgender vampire was convicted in Wisconsin of sexual assault. Sentencing is scheduled next month for Countess Dracula.

Donald Trump’s social media platform Truth Social will start a streaming tv channel. They’ll air Trump rallies and felony trials in between JAG & NCIS reruns.

A former prosecutor told CNN he worries about the safety of jurors in Trump’s NYC hush money felony trial – especially since they’ll be sequestered at Trump’s Bedminister, New Jersey hotel & golf club.

Drug maker Eli Lilly claims their weight loss drug Zepbound also reduces sleep apnea – mostly because people lose enough belly fat that they can finally sleep face down if they want.

Hollywood producer Carol Baum said she “doesn’t get” it-girl actress Sydney Sweeney, saying she’s “not pretty” and “can’t act”. ….. “Yeah, we don’t care” said male Hollywood producers.

Phoenix, Arizona is holding a tree planting drive, as average temperatures approach 100 degrees. Organizers say they expect shade from the trees to pay off after everyone planting them has been dead for twenty years.

A snake slithering through a passenger car on one of Japan’s bullet trains caused a 17-minute stoppage in the trip from Tokyo to Osaka. The snake was captured and returned to the kitchen so chefs could continue making lunch for the dining car.

The Department of Justice is considering anti-trust action against Ticketmaster/Live Nation for excessive fees and controlling a massive share of the ticketing market. Ticketmaster has already listed seats at the trial for $500 each plus $75 in fees.

Crystal Kung Minkoff announced she’s leaving Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, where she was the Bravo series first Asian American cast member. She’s considering joining the cast of Real Housewives of Oklahoma, where she’d be the first Asian to ever live there.

Salvatore ‘Sal the Shoemaker’ Rubino of Sal’s Shoe Repair on Long Island was charged with running an illegal gambling operation out of the shop. Investigators recorded Rubino hitting a customer with a baseball bat over failing to pay $20,000 for new soles on his loafers.

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Triplets in Mexico tested positive for coronavirus on the day they were born. Doctors and engineers are devising a way they can breast feed from six feet away. 

The Kentucky Democratic Senate primary naming a challenger to Mitch McConnell won’t be decided for another week. Amy McGrath leads Charles Booker, but final tallies require the state’s electon auditor to verify the number of times the horses clomp their hooves.

Brands are joining the #StopHateForProfit movement, boycotting Facebook for refusing to accept paid messages of hate. Meanwhile, the Facebook Ad Sales team for Trump 2020 and Boogaloo spent their bonuses on sports cars and beach houses.

Miley Cyrus says she’s been sober for six months but is still a “ton of fun”… thanks to having a “ton of money”.

Doctors are trialing an at-home sleep apnea test that doesn’t require an overnight sleep study. They check your ribcage for bruises from your spouse punching while you snore.

A female suspect was arrested in the arson of the Wendy’s restaurant where Atlantan Rayshard Brooks was fatally shot by police. She’s charged with felony destruction of property, and of whatever it is they put in Frostys.

An off-duty Los Angeles police officer was drinking a Starbucks frappucino when he discovered a tampon in it. He’s demanding that the employee responsible be fired, since he ordered the drink with a condom in it.

New Jersey announced theme parks can reopen on July 2nd. Thousands of families are already buying advance tickets to Six Flags Over Coronavirus.

Major League Baseball announced its return with an abbreviated schedule. Spitting will be prohibited, so a special space will be set aside for players vomiting swallowed chewing tobacco and sunflower seeds.

The City of Philadelphia will seek removal of a statue of Christopher Columbus. They plan to appease angry locals by replacing it with a bronze statue of Rocky Balboa kissing Nick Foles.

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A study of 182 men and women with sleep apnea showed that use of a CPAP machine & mask can improve sex lives — just not oral sex.

The Washington Post reported that the United States lost 1,475 immigrant children last year, and that the Immigration & Naturalization Department has been inundated with questions from parents asking to sign their kids up for this program.

22-year-old Mamoudou Gassama is a hero after viral video showed him climbing four stories of balconies on a Paris building to rescue a 4-year-old child dangling from a balcony. The child’s father was reportedly playing Pokemon Go at the time, and when he saw his child’s predicament, he dropped his phone, leaving a Squirtle to fall to its death.

Hulk Hogan apologized after mistakenly tweeting that Jackass’ co-star Bam Margera had died. Hogan later tweeted that he had confused Jackass’ Ryan Dunn, who is dead, with Margera’s career.

Over 8,000 Starbucks locations are closed today for racial bias training, resulting in 24-hour delays in the completion of tens of thousands of awesome novels and screenplays.

Mormon Mitt Romney said that Donald Trump “is not a role model” for his grandkids. Romney added that, yes, Trump has had three wives, but not all at the same time.

At Napa Valley’s BottleRock music festival, Snoop Dogg set the Guinness World Record for mixing the largest glass of gin & juice. However, thousands of festivalgoers were turned away from sharing it, ’cause they brought they cups but they ain’t chipped in.

President Donald Trump is placing 25% tariffs on $50 Billion in Chinese-made goods. The list of items will be announced on June 15th, after Trump has had time to make sure his hotels and golf courses have everything they need.

Tom Garrett, Republican U.S. Representative from Virginia, will not seek reelection and will undergo treatment for alcoholism. “Pussy” said a spokesperson for the Kennedy family.

Uber is testing a new Emergency Call feature in its app, that – with the press of a button – notifies police if a rider is in trouble. So far the 911-like feature has resulted in the police rescue of dozens of riders who didn’t like the radio station or needed the air conditioning adjusted.

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A North Korean soldier – shot five times while defecting to South Korea – was saved during surgery, but doctors discovered parasitic worms up to 11 inches long living in his intestines. When asked what the worms were doing in there, doctors replied “starving.”

Boston Dynamics’ Atlas robot is now capable of doing a backflip. However, due to its metallic legs and flat chest, it was cut from the cheerleading squad.

During press interviews for Wheel of Fortune’s 35th anniversary season, Vanna White shared stories from grateful past contestants, saying one woman used her prize money to adopt a child. Vanna didn’t give any more details,  but she probably used the money to buy a Bea or Dee.

A new study from University of California San Francisco states that the Apple Watch can accurately detect hypertension and sleep apnea – this according to autopsies of heavy snorers who wear a watch to bed for some reason.

Cult leader and serial murderer Charles Manson died at age 83. No funeral arrangements have been made public, but you can assume they’ll be about as private as it gets.

Apple’s planned competitor to Amazon’s Echo – the Apple HomePod – is being delayed until 2018, because Siri is already slammed with too many dumb questions from iPhone & iPad owners during the holidays.

Business analysts say Victoria’s Secret sales are down 11% because women want more comfortable underwear. Victoria’s Secret executives are also concerned that plus-size underwear sales may suffer if Amazon Lingerie becomes a reality.

A new wearable fitness tracker, the Spire Health Tag, is a small thumb-sized transmitter that you stick to your workout apparel and leave there, even in the laundry. Its makers say that it will run for months on a button cell battery, or until it blacks out from the smell.

Ryan Seacrest denies allegations of inappropriate behavior levied by his former wardrobe stylist, saying at no point was he ever Seacrest Out.

The U.S. Navy called the sky-drawn penis made by one of its jet pilots ‘unacceptable’, especially since an Army jet flew up and drew a bigger one.