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French Olympic pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati became a viral sensation after it appeared the bulge of his penis dislodged the bar during an attempt. He’s now dealing with rumors that he’s gay after the world clearly saw that rod-on-rod action.

Joaquin Guzman Lopez, son of Sinaloa Cartel drug kingpin Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, was arrested and charged with drug trafficking and money laundering. He pled not guilty in a Chicage court, where DEA agents called him a Chipo Off the El Chapo.

Los Angeles, California police are patrolling the Champs Elysees in Paris during the Summer Olympics. They say the scenery is marvelous, but they’re kind of bored without as many unarmed persons of color to shoot.

Aerosmith announced they will stop tourning because frontman Steven Tyler can no longer sing. However, Motley Crue announced they will continue touring despite frontman Vince Neil being unable to sing for the last twenty years.

An 82-year-old employee who’s worked at a Las Vegas McDonald’s for 15 years said he continues to work because he can’t afford to retire. He said he contributes to a 401k but was shocked to learn his contributions were matched with french fries.

Following the resignation of two different Miss USAs, Michigan’s Alma Cooper assumed the title. If she also chooses to resign, the crown will be given to the entrant with the next-largest breasts.

The first fatal crash of a Tesla Cybertruck was reported in Texas. The driver could have been saved, but most people driving by the wreck assumed a refrigerator had fallen off the delivery truck.

At Knowwhere Farm in Chesterfield, New Jersey, visitors can come hug a cow named Moo for free. Meanwhile at the Atlantic City Boardwalk, one named Dakota will hug you and do other stuff for around fifty dollars.

One million dollars worth of cocaine was reportedly blown on to a Florida Keys beach by Tropical Storm Debby. The storm was so powerful it was able to dislodge the cocaine from the rectums of people smuggling it on their boat.

Google was found to have a search engine monopoly in an anti-trust suit lodged by the Justice Department, and by guys who turned off SafeSearch and still ended up getting the same porn over and over again.

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The 1990s murder-for-hire of a New Jersey woman by her husband – the leader of a synagogue – has been made into a musical A Wicked Soul In Cherry Hill, upsetting the Jewish community. The play’s original title was Can’t Rabbi Me Love.

United Airlines said no passengers were hurt when a jet landing at Washington DC’s Reagan Airport blew out two tires. Although passengers were angry when AAA said they’d take two hours to arrive and fix it.

Sarah Palin lost her defamation lawsuit against the New York Times. Things didn’t look good when the jury sent the judge a note asking if it was possible to defame an imbecile.

Prince Andrew reached an out-of-court financial settlement in a sexual assault case brought by a woman who met him through Jeffrey Epstein when she was underage. Amounts were not disclosed, but it’s believed to equal the cost of lots of massages.

Gymnast Simone Biles got engaged to Houston Texans football player Jonathan Owens, who plans to give her the twisties on their honeymoon

Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler opened Janie’s House, a home for abused women, named after the song Janie’s Got A Gun, where a teen girl shoots her abusive father. Residents receive housing, occupational training and target practice.

President Biden will allow the January 6th Commission to review White House logs to see who visited Donald Trump on the day of the riots, other than the usual visits from the spray tan lady and the Grubhub Big Mac guy.

Libya held the first-ever beauty pageant for chickens. But the big winner is the woman who got rich sewing all the evening gowns & swimsuits.

Russian skater Kamila Valieva said she tested positive for a banned substance because she mistakenly took her grandfather’s medication. Valieva also said taking her grandfather’s medication made it difficult to skate because of her huge boner.

Pregnant inmates in a Pennsylvania state prison trial program will be permitted access to doula services. A doula provides physical & emotional support to women before, during & after childbirth – and also keeps lookout when the inmates want to hook up with the guards again.

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New England Patriots QB Tom Brady is trying out a new helmet, since his old model is being phased out by the NFL for not offering sufficient protection. The new helmet has a protective panel in front – if an opposing player creates a breeze near it, the yellow flag automatically flies out of the referee’s pocket.

Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler has issued a cease & desist letter to President Trump’s attorneys, demanding that Aerosmith songs no longer be played at the President’s rallies – as was the case this week in West Virginia, when ‘Livin On the Edge’ played before the event. Kid Rock said Trump could use his music – but attendees begged Trump not to.

Three men in Clearfield County, Pennsylvania are accused of sexually abusing dogs, horses, a cow and a goat more than 1,000 times. Authorities confiscated a “large volume of homemade videos” — along with a giant stash of peanut butter, several bottles of Polo cologne, and size XXXXXXL lingerie.

Students at Harriman Middle School in Tennessee started the school year by leaving brightly-colored notes with positive messages all around the school. Notes say things like “if you believe it or not, someone loves you”; “never give up – stay strong”; & “here’s a map with the fastest way out of Tennessee.”

A Harvard professor’s video calling coconut oil “pure poison” has gone viral. Coconut oil has a higher concentration of saturated fat than butter, beef fat or pork lard. The Harvard findings were disputed by The Professor on Gilligan’s Island, who claims coconut oil is necessary for survival.

Netflix will debut a new game show, ‘Flinch’, where contestants must follow one simple rule: do not flinch. So far, all of the contestants have been eliminated after being shown the first few minutes of Amy Schumer: The Leather Special.

A Democratic congressman from Texas has called for President Trump to resign or be impeached. “This is a sad time for our country” said Representative Al Green. His words were rebutted by a Republican congressman, who told Al Green “let’s stay together”.

Vidanta, a collection of premier destination resorts across Mexico, is offering a $120,000/year job to a lucky applicant to be their Brand Ambassador. A spokesman said the selected applicant will “immerse themselves in each of our resort destinations”. Candidates who ace the interview will also be asked to fly home with several condoms full of confectioners sugar in their lower intestine.

Ben Affleck has reportedly checked into rehab for a third time after wife Jennifer Garner staged an intervention. It’s Garner’s first time directing.

Kim Kardashian says she’s “really proud” of her 116-pound figure — adding that since each breast and buttock weighs 30 pounds, she’s had to suck a lot of helium.