By |

The U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service declared the ivory-billed woodpecker officially extinct. 22 other lesser-known species were also named extinct, but nobody cares because they never got their own cartoon.

Former ‘Even Stevens’ star Christy Carlson Romano said she blew much of her Disney Channel earnings on psychic readings and crystals. Though she remains conflicted, since her psychic predicted she’d be really bad with money.

President Biden cancelled a trip to Chicago, saying he’ll remain in Washington to see his economic agenda get murdered, instead.

Lava continued to erupt from Spain’s La Palma volcano, flowing into the sea and releasing toxic gas – more lethal than a Monday morning after Sunday night three-bean paella suppers.

600 United Airlines employees face termination for defying the company’s vaccine mandate. The company is asking for their attention while they’re directed to the front & rear exits of Human Resources.

Starbucks, Panera & Dunkin are offering free coffee on National Coffee Day – but they’re each charging $5 to use the restroom.

37% of people infected with COVID-19 show symptoms six months later, according to the phone calls they make to their jobs asking for Friday off.

An Illinois man died of rabies from a bat bite. His family started a GoFundMe to buy him a black cape and a coffin he can sleep in during daytime.

‘No Time To Die‘ premieres after a long delay. It shows a busy James Bond getting vaccinated in the middle of a fistfight with unmasked bad guys.

MTV is planning a new ‘Teen Mom‘ spinoff featuring show alum & porn star Farrah Abraham, titled ‘Adult Skank‘.

By |

The partial Government shutdown cost the U.S. economy $3 billion. The only other organization where it costs that much for 800,000 people to not work for a month is Walmart.

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz announced on ’60 Minutes’ that he’s “seriously considering” a run for President. Starbucks baristas are already writing on cups: ‘Harold Schwartz 2020!’

Fox Television aired a pre-recorded version of ‘Rent’ for its ‘Rent Live!’ telecast Sunday night, after lead actor Brennin Hunt – who played Roger – was injured in dress rehearsal. It was either air the recording, or do the show live and have Roger say he got AIDS from a sprained ankle.

New research finds that participation in youth sports results in stronger bones for teens and young adults. The findings were confirmed by an independent panel of bullies who all agreed it’s easier to break the bones of kids who aren’t athletes.

American and Taliban officials have reportedly agreed to a framework of a deal which could lead to a pullout of U.S. troops in exchange for the Taliban leaving areas of Afghanistan. The Taliban says they’ll sign it as soon as they figure out who to decapitate to get the blood for the signature.

‘Teen Mom’ star Kailyn Lowry fired back at critics after she admitted to not vaccinating two of her three children. Lowry said she knows what’s best for her children, except for how to prevent having them while a teenager.

A student in Belgium died after reheating and eating spaghetti that had been left at room temperature for five days. A post-mortem exam revealed he died of bacterial poisoning from B. cereus — as in, “you can’t B cereus eating five-day old spaghetti.”

Glenn Close won a SAG Award for Best Actress in ‘The Wife’ — and also for her breasts.

President Trump is ‘..pissed off’ at former White House staffer Cliff Sims upcoming tell-all book ‘Team of Vipers’. Trump reportedly asks “who is this guy?”, calling Sims “the videographer” since he helped with weekly video messages. Staffers are asking Trump to ignore it, including Mike Pence. “Pence? Who is this guy?” Trump said.

A Business Insider poll states that one in three iPhone owners aren’t upgrading because of high prices and a lack of new features. “Hey, I have a family to feed!” said a worried 10-year-old on an iPhone assembly line.

 

By |

Walmart will no longer display Cosmopolitan magazine at checkout aisles in response to complaints from the National Center on Sexual Exploitation, who believes the magazine degrades women. Walmart is still evaluating whether or not to display Weekly World News, following complaints that it’s degrading to half-man/half-monkey creatures.

Chicago Cubs star Kyle Schwarber is posting great stats in spring training after shedding 30 pounds in the offseason. Schwarber attributes the change to exercise, diet, and only having steroids on his ‘cheat day’.

Apple introduced new products at an event on Tuesday, including a $299 budget iPad for students, that includes the Apple Pencil for drawing. Apple said the product is the result of research showing how much students like to take photos and draw penises on them.

Self-driving car company Waymo introduced what it calls the first “premium” self-driving car, a Jaguar iPACE. The high-end SUV is wide enough to run over several pedestrians at once, and drive itself to the shop for bodywork before anyone notices.

A local Planned Parenthood chapter came under fire from pro-life conservatives for a tweet that read “we need a Disney princess that’s had an abortion.” Also under fire? Prince Charming for replying “then what did I give Cinderella the money for?”

President Trump is suggesting that funding for the controversial Mexican border wall be funded from the U.S. Military budget. A government procurement worker is thrilled because he found a great deal on bricks for $50 each.

Reality star Farrah Abraham settled her $5 million lawsuit against Viacom, claiming that the company dropped her from MTV’s ‘Teen Mom’ and “sex shamed” her for doing porn. An MTV spokesperson said ‘Teen Mom’ cast members’ sex lives are “none of our business…after they finish 10th grade, anyway.”

Johnny Manziel, one-time ‘Johnny Football’, met with several NFL teams regarding a possible comeback – then finished the meetings and returned to work as Johnny Pizza.

Peyton Manning reportedly turned down Fox Sports’ offer to announce Thursday Night Football, due to Fox’s request that they also project the instant replays on his forehead.

Facebook announced initiatives to make 3 major changes to their Privacy Settings, labeling them Hard, Harder, and Hardest.