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The Masked Singer eliminated The Bear, who was revealed to be Sarah Palin. The Bear/Palin had rapped Sir Mix-A-Lot’s ‘Baby Got Back’, with Palin admitting that “I like big butts” was dedicated to Donald Trump.

LEGO is releasing Nintendo Super Mario themed playsets. When you step on a Super Mario LEGO mushroom you don’t get coins, you still get a sore foot.

ABC’s ‘The Bachelor’, Peter Weber, selected Madison Prewett to be ‘the one’, despite his mother openly campaigning for him to choose a different woman. Female viewers seeing a boyfriend’s mother act like a total bitch call it the most realistic thing ever about ‘The Bachelor’.

The NBA suspended its season after a Utah Jazz player Rudy Gobert tested postitive for coronavirus. When games resume, it’s expected that Gobert will be open.

NCAA men’s and women’s basketball championship tournament games will only be attended by family members. Players are concerned about having to call their own fouls.

Disney and other Florida theme parks are staying open despite the spread of coronavirus. Kids are adjusting to getting their picture taken with Mickey Mouse standing six feet away.

Progress continues on Disney’s ‘Avengers Campus’ at their California Adventure theme park. Rumors has it that, if you’re willing to pay for the Thanos Pass, you can snap your fingers and make half the lines disappear.

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. However the World Dog Health Organization announced that cats can get it and should be dealt with accordingly. [story h/t to J.L.]

A new study claims 90% of new moms can identify a baby by its smell. That increases to 98% if the baby needs to be changed.

A U.S. Customs officer was arrested and charged with attempting to smuggle 40 pounds of cocaine. The contraband was detected by drug-sniffing dogs at Atlanta’s airport who were honestly dying for something to do these days.

 

 

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Facebook announced its new cryptocurrency, Libra. It’s the easy-to-understand alternate currency from the people who brought you Facebook Privacy Settings.

  • Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg highlighted the need for a new cryptocurrency, because after the first few billion, U.S. dollars get boring.

Marvel Studios is rereleasing Avengers: Endgame with new scenes: of a mortuary technician’s electrocution death from pouring embalming fluid on the thing in Tony Stark’s chest, and Thanos hip-hop dancing to Snap “I’ve Got The Power”.

Rotten Tomatoes published a list of 150 Erotic Movies – Ranked Worst to Best. No men have yet challenged the rankings cause they’ve been stuck in the 140s for a while now.

Conservative publication National Review gave one of the few negative reviews to Disney’s upcoming Toy Story 4, citing cowboy Woody’s refusal to detain toys made in Mexico.

Apple will offer device repair at over 1,000 Best Buy stores, at locations called The Not Exactly Genius Bar.

Google announced a new initiative with 4-H Clubs to bring coding skills to rural towns. They just need computers with keyboards big enough for the cows’ & pigs’ hooves.

Actress Bella Thorne issued a tearful video in response to Whoopi Goldberg’s criticism of her for the release of hacked nude pictures. Goldberg said Thorne shouldn’t take nudes to begin with, a sentiment echoed by Goldberg’s long-ago boyfriend, Ted Danson in blackface.

The Federal Reserve chose not to increase interest rates, meaning borrowers’s rates will remain the same on student loans they won’t pay back anyway.

A doctor in England removed a patient’s 2 1/2-centimeter-long chunk of earwax and posted it online. The patient’s hearing was restored and they also solved the mystery of the family’s missing hamster.

BuzzFeed posted a list of photographs of first class meals on 24 different airlines.  Spirit Airlines photo was a picture of a shirtless stowaway vagrant eating an egg salad sandwich in the cargo hold.

San Francisco became the first city to ban e*cigarettes – while announcing a concurrent  plan to provide Juul’ing douchebags safe spaces to kick their habit such as poetry slams and comedy open mics.

 

 

 

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Self driving cars are now on the streets of Hamburg, Germany. More Hamburg’ers are getting dropped and run over than at a McDonald’s drive-thru.

Apple is dropping the price of iPhones in China. Apple’s Chinese factory workers are worried that decreased profit sharing contributions will create higher out-of-pocket costs for juice boxes.

Lori Loughlin fans gathered at a Boston courthouse as she faced felony charges in a college admissions scam. Boston cable tv service was down due to overload caused by the fans all setting their DVRs to record Hallmark Channel while they were out.

28,000 chickens died in a massive fire in rural Berks County, Pennsylvania. Residents nearby wondered why, with that many chickens burning, there weren’t firemen already there.

Former Green Bay Packers coach Mike McCarthy said in an interview his firing by the team was handled poorly – a stark contrast to the majority of people who get fired and think their former employer did a stellar job at it.

Tyson Foods recalled 10 tons of beef patties for possible plastic contamination. Some of the beef had been shipped to school cafeterias, where it had been certified by lunch ladies as “fine with me”.

President Trump claimed in a speech that wind farms cause cancer, citing his own personal experience of wind making his hair fall out.

Ellen Degeneres, responding to Brunei approving stoning executions of homosexuals and adulterers, called for a boycott of hotels owned by Brunei. These include The Beverly Hills Hotel & Hotel Bel-Air in Los Angeles, and an airport Best Western in Newark where the sultans send wives they got tired of.

A new survey in The Lancet states that 20% of global death is linked to poor diet. The Lancet concluded that if Thanos couldn’t obtain all of the Infinity Stones, his backup plan was McDonald’s gift cards.

New research from Sophia University in Tokyo concludes that some house cats are capable of recognizing their own names. They say the cats most likely to respond are those with the given name CanOfCatFoodOpening.

 

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Big Bird appeared on stage at Apple’s press event. He helped announced a new Sesame Workshop program that will teach children how to code once their shift is over at the iPad factory.

Apple announced a credit card that would be accessed via the iPhone. So if you’re too broke to fix your iPhone after you drop it, your credit card will be declined.

Attorney Michael Avenatti was charged with attempting to extort $20 million from Nike. Nike said they didn’t care what sneakers Stormy Daniels wore when she banged Donald Trump.

A chunk of ice twice the size of Manhattan could break off of Antarctica at any time. Impacted polar bears promise they’ll return to their parents ice floe to visit.

Yale University rescinded the admission of a student whose family paid $1.2 million in the current college admissions scandal to get them in. But, wouldn’t you know it, they found a different student whose family would give $1.3 million to Yale directly!

Avengers:Endgame is over three hours long. Bored parents and girlfriends are hoping Thanos isn’t defeated too soon so he can use the Time Stone to speed things up.

A gigantic T. Rex skeleton found in Canada is officially the world’s biggest. It’s believed the T. Rex moved to Canada to avoid the war with cavemen.

New Jersey lawmakers approved a ‘Right to Die’ bill for terminally ill patients. Those who can afford medical euthanasia will be free to do so; less affluent people will be allowed  to swim during Jersey Shore riptides.

A new study finds that old people can generate fresh brain cells. Doctors made the discovery while showing nursing home residents never-before-seen episodes of ‘Murder She Wrote’.

A Houston, Texas woman gave birth to three sets of twins in nine minutes. “I never say this, but you might want to stop pushing” said the attending doctor.

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The Smithsonian Institution introduced its newest guide, a 4-foot-tall robot named Pepper. “So, who else besides me is already bored?” said Pepper before being replaced by an older robot that appreciates history.

Stormy Daniels filed a defamation lawsuit against President Trump, because why not, when a person who takes money for having sex sincerely believes her character was damaged by the guy paying for it.

Unnamed White House staffers told NBC News that White House Chief of Staff John Kelly referred to President Trump on several occasions as “an idiot”. This has upset the Secret Service, who are concerned about Kelly randomly using their code word for the President.

ESPN is rumored to be offering Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten $4 million to become the new lead analyst on Monday Night Football – this, in addition to the money they allegedly paid Jon Gruden to shut up and leave.

Former Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore filed a complaint claiming that he was the target of a political conspiracy by women alleging to be victims of sexual assault by Moore. Moore asserts that the women caused him to lose his election for Alabama senator, and got him banned for life from Chuck E. Cheese.

African-American activists have convinced Starbucks to bar anti-Semitism group Anti-Defamation League from Starbucks upcoming anti-bias training session. Starbucks said they’ve scheduled a second, Jewish customer anti-bias training, for Yom Kippur.

Kim Jong Un is reportedly considering meeting President Trump at the Korean DMZ – although insiders assume they both mistakenly think they’re meeting at TMZ.

Jennifer Garner tweeted a photo of a note reading “I love farts” written by her 6-year-old son Samuel — and optioned by Sony Pictures for an upcoming film directed by his father, Ben Affleck.

A 12-year-old boy returned to school, after being trapped underwater for 8 minutes at a North Carolina resort’s ‘lazy river’.  Operators of the resort said if the kid warescued faster, he should have gotten stuck under the ‘ambitious river’.

OnePoll surveyed 2,000 U.S. workers and compiled a list of the 10 most ‘cringeworthy’ office phrases, topped by “Give it 110%” and “think outside the box”. Surprisingly absent from the list?.. “we’re eliminating your position”.

Avengers – Infinity War actress Elisabeth Olsen said that if she could change her Scarlet Witch costume, she wouldn’t reveal so much cleavage; adding that she would have hidden one of the Infinity Stones in between her breasts, but Thanos could easily see it was there.