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Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider experienced a ‘breakthrough’ case of COVID-19, and believes he caught it from his wife taking their grandchildren to Disney World, citing lax mask and vaccine enforcement. “We’re not gonna take that!” screamed Goofy.

ZZ Top bassist Dusty Hill passed away unexpectedly at age 72. Insiders expect an open casket, and every girl looking at him to be crazy about him.

Celebrity sommelier Caleb Ganzer was arrested for setting fire to outdoor dining structures and garbage in Manhattan. Ganzer would set small fires, see if he liked them, then make a bigger fire in the same spot.

Children have discovered how to fake a positive COVID-19 test by dripping juice or soft drinks on the swab in order to get out of going to school. Although some kids have been rushed to hospitals for emergency cancer treatment after tricking the test using Mountain Dew.

A TripAdvisor reviewer gave a Marriott resort in Mexico a one-star review after watching a crocodile drag a woman into the ocean. Fellow guests rescued the woman, and the crocodile gave the resort a five-star review.

Men digging a well in Sri Lanka unearthed a 2.5 million carat sapphire cluster worth $100 million. In other news, Kim Kardashian announced her engagement to a Sri Lankan ditch digger.

Restaurants across the country are starting to require proof of vaccination for indoor dining. Arby’s is not requiring proof of vaccination, but is requiring diners sign a liability waiver.

Athletes & celebrities such as Justin Bieber, Ronda Rousey and Michael Phelps shared messages of support for Simone Biles who withdrew from some Olympic events to focus on mental health. Meanwhile, baristas are stepping away from drink orders to focus on their mental health and getting immediately fired.

Police say a Parisian jewel thief was able to escape on an electric scooter because starstruck pedestrians were distracted seeing Jean-Claude Van Damme in an adjacent shop. Van Damme stuck around to report a stolen electric scooter.

Infomercial pioneer Ron Popeil passed away at age 86. No funeral was announced, but what if I told you there was a second funeral, and all you pay for is shipping?

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High winds blew a bounce house — and a 9-year-old child inside of it — on to a Southern California highway, where it was struck by a car. “Do you know why I pulled you over?” asked a California Highway Patrolman to the 9-year-old.

The Milwaukee Bucks are reportedly considering hiring San Antonio Spurs assistant Becky Hammon to be the NBA’s first woman head coach.. :

  • All 11 boys on her team are happy they’ll each get a turn to shoot the ball.
  • “Traveling? I LOVE traveling!”
  • Players will arrive 10 minutes early to pregame shootaround so she can ask “is THAT what you’re wearing?”.. and make them change, if necessary.

A mysterious bacterial infection is killing large volumes of coral reefs in the Florida Keys. Scientists aren’t sure how the bacteria got there, but they want to speak to several women seen swimming near the reefs with their bikini bottoms off.

The summit between President Trump and Kim Jong Un will take place on June 12th in Singapore. Trump will take Air Force One; Kim rarely flies, so his staff are working on air travel logistics, starting with getting him upgraded from Boarding Group 6.

North Korea is also detailing plans to dismantle their nuclear test sites – starting with a nationwide plutonium raffle, paired with one final nuclear missile shot straight up in the air that lands back on the test site.

An Iowa man – paroled after an arrest for making methamphetamine in a home where a children’s daycare operated – has been arrested again on meth charges. He explained to officers that he had to get involved in the cooking operation again, because all of his employees left for kindergarten.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders reportedly berated White House Communications staff for leaking staffer Kelly Sadler’s comment that Senator John McCain’s opposition to Gina Haspel as CIA director didn’t matter because “he’s dying anyway.” Then she got mad about the leak about her getting mad about the other leak…and so on, and so on.

Hawaii’s Big Island is bracing for more eruptions from the Kilauea volcano. Island officials are making plans for possible evacuations, and burn treatments for Tony Robbins seminar participants who keep taking barefoot ‘courage walks’ across the lava flows.

Clearwater Beach, Florida was named TripAdvisor’s World’s Best Beach for 2018, edging out such other exotic beaches as The Ones With Far Fewer Dirtbags.

A Florida mother made her son surrender to police after she saw him in surveillance video from a robbery that was captured with a doorbell camera and shared by police. She plans to post bond for her son, but he is soooo grounded.

A dragon float caught fire during the Festival of Fantasy parade at Disney World on Friday. The fire was quickly extinguished, but Huey, Dewey and Louie were questioned by Uncle Donald who wondered what they were doing with rolling papers and a lighter.

Amanda Nunes defeated Raquel Pennington for the bantamweight title in UFC 224’s main event. Nunes and Pennington are the first pair of openly gay women to face each other in a UFC title bout. “Openly” being the operative word here.

 

 

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In the wake of the Las Vegas shooting, Hilton and Disney hotels changed their Do Not Disturb policies, saying that employees will enter every guest room at least once a day. They’ll also add a $10/item fee for bellhop assistance taking guns to rooms.

The City of Philadelphia is considering cancelling their annual New Year’s Day Mummers Parade due to extreme cold, and to give the Mummers time to recover from frostbite and hangovers they get from attending the Eagles home game the day before.

France is considering expanding the Champagne region borders, and with it, the designation of wineries that can officially call their sparking wine “Champagne”. This will be a welcome economic boost to the Champagne border towns of Ventelay and Ice d’Smirnoff.

Combined box office revenues for Star Wars ‘The Last Jedi’; ‘The Force Awakens’; and ‘Rogue One’ have surpassed the $4 Billion price tag that Disney studios paid to acquire Lucasfilm. In less encouraging news, Disney CEO Bob Iger said they’ve not yet seen similar returns on the $75 it paid to acquire the Ernest universe from the estate of Jim Varney.

President Trump tweeted about poll results giving him a 47% approval rating – the same as Obama’s first presidential year – which aired on Fox And Friends. The Rasmussen poll surveyed 1,000 households, one on Pennsylvania Avenue, and 999 in Trump Tower and Russia.

President Trump also said that Amazon is underpaying the U.S. Postal Service, making the Post Office “dumber and poorer”. Amazon fired back, showing the Christmas card Trump left for his mailman with no tip in it.

Cleaning crews at three high-end hotels in China were caught on hidden camera using toilet brushes to clean the drinking glasses in guest rooms. Each hotel has been fined, despite receiving positive TripAdvisor feedback from cats and dogs reviewing their stays.

Work crews took down the lettering at the Trump SoHo Hotel in New York City as part of a name change. Owners are hoping that occupancy improves under its new name, The Barack.

A Houston man was arrested in the murder of his girlfriend, who police say was nearly decapitated with a samurai sword. “Nearly? Focus!” said the man’s samurai master.

Apple responded to being outed over its practice of slowing down older iPhone performance by cutting replacement battery prices from $79 to $29….plus a $49 tip for the douchebag at the Genius Bar.

Meghan Markle gives advice to women via quotes that appear in the new book ‘Game Changers: Success Secrets From 40 Women At The Top’. Among them “don’t give it five minutes if you can’t give it five years.” Women reading the quote paused, then continued masturbating.