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Bruce Springsteen reportedly turned down a request to name a New Jersey Turnpike rest area after him. Travelers will miss out on the chance to get sick in the bathroom of the Bruce Springsteen Roy Rogers.

Evictions are expected to spike as a pandemic moratorium ends. Homeless people are cashing in by listing their appliance boxes and tarps on AirBNB.

The owners of the NFL’s Buffalo Bills are reportedly asking for over $1 billion in taxpayer money to fully fund a new stadium. One proposal calls for taxes on Buffalo tourism destinations, which would generate the money in about 1 million years.

The U.S. Women’s National Soccer team lost its Olympic semifinal match to Canada, 1-0. The crushing defeat deals a serious blow to the promotional plans of Subway and multiple feminine hygiene brands.

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Odell Beckham, Jr spent $1.8 million on new porcelain dental veneers framed with 13-carat diamonds. Beckham’s teammates claim he has horrible breath since he can only get his teeth brushed at a jewelry store.

ZZ Top frontman Billy Gibbons said that the deteriorating health of late bassist Dusty Hill was “a real big challenge”; adding that Hill dying is “an even bigger challenge”.

Google Translate will launch a new update, making it even easier for American jerks to argue over the timeliness and acccuracy of their ethnic food deliveries.

New York City officials ordered the removal of a two-story outdoor dining structure built by restaurant The Izakaya NYC. The structure violated building codes, and several people suffered broken limbs walking around looking for the 2nd-floor restroom.

A man pleaded guilty to the 1971 theft of a Revolutionary War rifle from the Valley Forge Historical Park Visitor Center. The rifle will be returned to the Center once restoration experts remove the Lynyrd Skynyrd and Toby Keith stickers from it.

Matt Damon said that he’s “retired” the word ‘f*ggot’ from his vocabulary over objections from his daughters, but now he needs new nicknames for Ben Affleck and George Clooney.

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Founder Elon Musk said Tesla will “most likely” begin upgrading older vehicles with new computer chips – so that a speedier processor can drive your car into the back of a tractor-trailer while you sleep behind the wheel.

Eye drops sold at Walmart and Walgreens are being recalled because they’re not sterile. Customers are advised to return the drops for a full refund if they ever get their vision back.

Vice President Mike Pence will visit immigrants at the southern border. “Looks okay to me” said Pence, standing at the southern border where Indiana becomes Kentucky.

Washington, D.C. was hit by flash flooding, stranding drivers and flooding the White House basement. “Quick, get the tanks!” said a local idiot.

A couple sued an in-vitro fertility clinic for impregnating a woman with the wrong embryo.  The CHA Fertility Clinic was also cited for keeping inadequate records, storing eggs only as Jumbo, Extra Large & Large.

The 7.1 magnitude California earthquake created massive cracks in the Earth near Ridgecrest, visible from outer space. It’s now the second-biggest series of cracks in California, second only to the Kardashian compound in Calabasas.

A Florida high school principal was reassigned after writing that he couldn’t say the Holocaust was a ‘factual, historical event’. His school will also stop using the history textbook he wrote: ‘World War II – A Good Time Had By All’.

Philadelphia historians reenacted the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence on July 8th, 1776. Tourists reenacted the audience that day – walking out to find something a lot less boring to do.

The World Cup Champion U.S. Women’s National Soccer team arrived back home in Newark, New Jersey. “Newark? I thought we won?” said players.

Over 6,000 people each year are treated for lacerations & puncture wounds from hard plastic ‘clamshell’ packaging. Customers are advised to open it with sharp scissors to create cuts on your hands that are more uniform and easily stitched.

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Wildlife officials in the U.K. rescued what they thought was an exotic bird, that turned out to be a seagull covered in curry powder. They treated the bird, and stopped eating chicken tikka masala at a nearby Indian food buffet.

An artist unveiled a wooden statue of Melania Trump in her native Slovenia. Insiders say the President is frustrated by his inability to unveil the wooden statue living with him in the White House for the last two years.

The U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team won the 2019 FIFA World Cup. President Trump said the women should be paid equally to the men, but then went ahead and ordered value meals for their visit instead of full-price Big Macs and Whoppers.

Martin Charnin, lyricist & writer of the Broadway smash Annie, died at age 84 following a hard knock – a heart attack.

Amazon is selling a 292-square-foot tiny house for $18,800. It takes 2-3 days to build and 2-3 friends to help you steal it off of the porch of someone who ordered it.

On a cruise bound for South Korea from Vladivostok, Russia, a man hallucinating & high on drugs burst into a married couple’s cabin and was arrested after a shoving match. It was all part of the maiden voyage of the new Carnival Angel Dust ship.

On his family’s first night living at their new home, a Virginia dad fired 39 warning shots and brawled with a naked woman who called herself “the devil” after she broke in on July 4th night. The woman was subsequently fired by Welcome Wagon.

ICE used facial recognition to scan state driver’s license databases without individual consent, angering civil rights activists and illegal immigrants who hate the way their face looks in those pictures.

The Cincinnati Reds wore ‘throwback’ 1956-era sleeveless jerseys – baring their arms – for a game against the Cleveland Indians that the Reds lost, 11-1. Sun’s out, empty guns out.

15-year-old American tennis phenom Cori Gauff’s run at Wimbledon ended with Round-of-16 defeat to 7th seed Simona Halep, as Coco went cold.