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Reports surfaced that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was involved in a drunken bar brawl after a UB40 concert in the 80s.  The same report finds that Kavanaugh also once wore a bright yellow shirt to a Cure show and was excommunicated from their fan club.

Dunkin Donuts employees in Syracuse, NY were fired following the circulation of a viral video where one of them pours water on a homeless man. The employees have since been nominated to Federal judgeships by the Trump administration.

For the first time in 55 years, a woman – Canadian Donna Strickland – won the Nobel Prize in Physics. Strickland was recognized for her work in laser physics; specifically, how a laser can be utilized to turn up the thermostat from across a room.

Amazon raised its minimum wage for all of their employees to $15/hour. Amazon warehouse employees celebrated by raising the glass bottles they urinate in to keep from getting fired for bathroom breaks.

Lindsay Lohan appears in a new viral video, where she accuses a Moscow family of trafficking children then gets punched in the face. Her friends worry for her safety and want her to move back to the United States, to Cincinnati where there are no paparazzi. Lohan said it’s a difficult choice between living in Cincinnati or getting punched in the face.

First Lady Melania Trump arrived in Ghana for her first state visit of a shithole country.

A woman spectator’s eyeball reportedly “exploded” after being struck with a golf ball hit by American Brooks Koepka at the Ryder Cup in Paris. The woman reportedly lost sight in the eye, and was assessed a two-stroke penalty for moving her ball.

Primera Air – which launched in 2017 offering $99 one-way fares between the U.S. and Europe – suddenly announced it’s suspending operations. After the pilot made the announcement, all passengers and crew on the final flight parachuted to safety.

CEO Rupert Stadler, arrested for falsifying company records of diesel vehicle emissions, announced that he’s outie at Audi.

The FDA claims a factory making Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal knew of possible salmonella contamination, but refused to do anything about it. Kellogg’s disputes this, saying that the back of the box was updated with a new game, Dig ‘Em’s Toilet Challenge.

 

 

 

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Shaquille O’Neal’s son, Shareef, was diagnosed with a congenital heart condition and will sit out a year of college basketball at UCLA. Asked how he’ll fill the free time, his faculty advisors told him to pursue “anything but acting.”

A woman found a 2.63 carat diamond at a state park in Arkansas, and is now engaged to the squirrel who gave it to her.

Disney World announced a new ticket pricing policy, drawing anger and confusion from the park’s most excited visitors – who are literally shitting themselves trying to figure it out.

A tractor-trailer carrying 80 cows flipped over and blocked all lanes of Interstate 285 near Atlanta. The accident resulted in cows roaming the highway, leading to multiple other accidents and several bovine carjackings.

Google is updating Google Maps to allow control of music from within the app. So now you can listen to your favorite song while risking your life ‘making a legal u-turn’.

According to medical journal JAMA, women who increase water intake by 1.5 liters/day for a full year are 50% less likely to get urinary tract infections. They’re also 100% more likely to have stronger buttocks and quadriceps from hovering above the public toilet seats they’ll need to use.

North Carolina’s governor has ordered $4 million to help control the growing numbers of large mosquitoes breeding in floodwaters after Hurricane Florence. In a related story, a North Carolina beach town broke the Guinness World Record for Largest Citronella Candle.

The U.S., Canada & Mexico have all accepted the successor to NAFTA, which will be called USMCA (U.S., Mexico, Canada Agreement) — disappointing everyone who wanted to call it Afta’NAFTA.

Cardi B. surrendered to New York City police for her alleged role ordering an assault on two female bartenders, one of whom she accused of having sex with her husband, Offset — or, as he’s known to women he cheats with, Inset.

Fifty million Facebook accounts were allegedly hacked. Facebook said that they’ve patched the vulnerability, and reassured affected users that the hackers couldn’t possibly be doing anything worse with personal data than what Facebook is doing already.

 

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Share prices in Bed, Bath & Beyond stock plummeted to an 18-year low. Executives say that they plan to end their policy allowing stock purchasers to stack coupons.

Jesuit periodical America Magazine – which had endorsed the Supreme Court nomination of Brett Kavanaugh – rescinded it after testimony from his alleged sexual assault victim. Similarly, Highlights magazine changed Kavanaugh’s ‘Gallant’ status to ‘Goofus’.

A jet operated by the national airline of Papua New Guinea missed a runway at an airport in Micronesia and landed in a nearby lagoon. All the passengers and crew survived. The pilot said he thought he had more room because he mistakenly thought he was landing in Macronesia.

Holly Jane Akers, 31, of Holiday, Florida was arrested for hitting her husband in the face with a vacuum cleaner attachment when he wouldn’t help her clean. The husband told police that she hit him in the face with a crevice tool, and she replied that he hits her with his crevice tool all the time.

A “white hat” hacker said he’ll broadcast his hack of Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook page on Facebook Live this Sunday.  Asked how he can prove that it’s him and not Zuckerberg controlling the account, the hacker said he’ll post a status saying “I’ll never sell your personal data.”

Amazon is launching what it calls a promising new product to monetize Alexa — prostitutes with Alexa’s voice.

Over a dozen people walked out of a Wanda Sykes standup comedy performance in Red Bank, New Jersey when she opened with jokes about Trump. The walkouts were offered tickets to a future show from Larry the Cable Guy, but became even more insulted.

California authorities charged 17 people for robbery at Apple Stores. They’re employees who told customers that $1.200 iPhones are a terrific deal.

A Jeopardy! contestant proposed marriage to his girlfriend – who accepted – during player introductions on Thursday’s show. He didn’t present a ring, but he did give her $2,000 and a case of Aleve after he finished second.

Volkswagen announced a partnership with Microsoft – making it easier than ever to crash your car and your car’s entertainment system.

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Special Counsel Robert Mueller was photographed getting Genius Bar support for his MacBook at an Apple Store in Washington, D.C. President Trump appointed the Genius Bar employee to a high-level Cabinet position.

McDonald’s says that it’s removed all artificial ingredients from its burgers — leading many curious customers to buy a Big Mac just to see what’s left of it.

The Federal Reserve raised interest rates for the third time this year. This angered President Trump, until someone told him it means he earns an extra twenty-five cents a month in his Christmas Club savings account.

Students at U.K.’s Bristol University raised money to send a custodian, Herman Gordon, on a vacation to his home country of Jamaica – the first true vacation he’s had in more than 11 years. Gordon said he plans to get a job in Jamaica and never return.

Amazon is opening its first-ever store that only sells products with 4-star and higher customer ratings. Customers can ask Alexa where to find stuff, but Alexa isn’t there because so many frustrated grandparents gave her 1-star reviews.

Disney released a line of Disney Princess-themed baking sets, so that young princesses can throw them at their moms when they want them to make cookies.

Emma Coronel, wife of drug kingpin Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, threw a lavish Barbie-themed birthday party in Mexico for their twin daughters 7th birthday.  Guests were treated to carnival rides, and each got to take a deflated balloon for a group trip to Texas.

A man was arrested at Dublin Airport after missing his flight to Amsterdam, breaking through the door of the boarding gate, and chasing the plane as it taxied away – delighting the person watching from inside the aircraft next to his empty seat.

AAA’s Foundation for Traffic Safety reports that drivers don’t understand the limitations of new vehicle safety features such as automatic emergency braking. and adaptive cruise control. Those who have the features have mixed opinions, with many saying it makes applying makeup more difficult.

The Wondiwoi tree kangaroo, believed to be extinct, has reemerged and been spotted for the first time in 90 years. The Wondiwoi is extremely muscular and lives primarily in the treetops of New Guinea’s bamboo forests. Researchers making contact with the Wondiwoi asked where it had been, and the kangaroo replied “waiting for a f***ing ladder.”

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Apple announced that it’s acquiring Shazam. Soon you’ll be able to identify a song, be hounded to buy it on iTunes and lose it in an iOS update all in 10 minutes.

Bill Cosby was sentenced to 3-10 years in prison for his sexual assault conviction and was taken directly to prison. Later that day, a van carrying the Chippendale dancers appeared at Cosby’s suburban Philadelphia estate.

Dunkin Donuts will now be known only as Dunkin. So now when you send the intern out for coffee, you can just tell them to get it “anywhere but Dunkin”.

Millennials are cited as the reason for an 18% drop in the U.S. divorce rate. Not only because millennials are avoiding marriage, but because the ones living at home until they’re 30 are keeping their parents from divorcing.

Michael Kors is acquiring Versace for $2.1 billion, now we just have to worry about someone murdering Michael Kors.

Comcast bid $30 billion to acquire a stake in Europe’s Sky Broadcasting. “Alright! I hear great things!” said a Sky customer who’s been grossly misinformed.

Buckingham Palace is selling $40 replicas of Meghan Markle’s engagement ring. It comes with a faux diamond and a couple of curly red hairs stuck in the setting.

2018 is a record year for cases of West Nile virus. Mosquitos commemorated the achievement by popping open bottles of blood they’ve been saving for a special occasion.

“The most dangerous thing that U.S. children do as part of daily life is ride in a car,” writes Benjamin Hoffman, chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics Council on Injury, Violence and Poison.  “I’ll say!” said a 7-year-old driver who crashed into a tree after hijacking the family minivan to Chuck E. Cheese.

Will Smith commemorated his 50th birthday with a bungee jump from a helicopter over the Grand Canyon. He was joined by his children and his wife, Jada, who boarded the chopper after surrendering a set of hedge clippers.

A 30-year-old Florida man was arrested after he stripped naked and picked fights with passersby in a Chick-fil-A parking lot. No one fought the guy, because they were all chikn.

Hannah Storm & Andrea Kremer will be the first female NFL broadcasting duo when they call Thursday nights Vikings/Rams game for Amazon Prime. Storm is expected to do color, and Kremer is expected to tell Storm how great that color looks on her.

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A ‘hotel breakfast bandit’ is on the loose in Georgia. Police in Dalton say a man has been wandering into hotels offering free lobby breakfast, eating, and leaving. So far he’s hit a Holiday Inn Express, a Quality Inn and others. He’s described as a white male with a  stomach ache and high cholesterol.

President Donald Trump was asked his thoughts on Puerto Rico becoming a full U.S. state. He replied  “absolute no — the 60 we have are plenty.”

The Official Scrabble dictionary added 300 words, and a new Appendix of 300 activities that are much more fun than Scrabble.

A 74-year-old man was found alive in a Washington D.C. area senior complex severely damaged by fire. All other residents had safely evacuated during the blaze, since they already knew how the Murder, She Wrote episode he was watching ended.

Bill Cosby’s sentencing hearing continued for a second day. The 81-year-old comedian, who is legally blind, told the judge he was glad it’s a ‘hearing’ and not a ‘seeing’, proving that, man, he’s still got it.

Cosby’s attorneys are fighting the prosecutor’s recommendation that he receive 24-to-36 months working at Trader Joe’s.

Readers Digest published a new article, ‘Exercises You Should Never Do After Age 50’, which for devoted Readers Digest readers includes “all of them”.

An image of a small baby girl crawling across a busy highway in New Jersey has gone viral. The baby was carried to safety, but told her rescuer that she was late to her job repairing iPhones at a nearby Apple Store.

A 10-year-old girl needed emergency surgery when she shoved a safety pin up her nose and it sprung open. The safety pin was removed through her mouth, but hospital workers are still figuring out how to remove the diaper attached to it.

Designer house GCDS – God Can’t Destroy Streetwear – sent its models down the runway at Milan Fashion Week with a third, prosthetic, breast between their two natural ones. Coincidentally, GCDS is offering its new tops in a Buy 2, Get 1 Free! sale.

 

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Passengers on Jet Airways Flight 697 from Mumbai to Jaipur, India, started bleeding from their nose and ears mid-flight because the flight crew forgot to pressurize the cabin, and because many of them were sitting next to babies that had eaten spicy Indian food.

Facebook launched Facebook Dating in Colombia, making it much easier to find a boyfriend who can score you some cocaine.

Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein resigned following a New York Times story stating he discussed taping President Trump or having him removed from office for incompetence. Rosenstein, who oversees Special Counsel Robert Mueller, is expected to be replaced by The Apprentice champion Bret Michaels of Poison.

LinkedIn published an article entitled ‘How Robots Are Hiring Job Candidates’. The answer, of course, is by identifying attractive candidates who like to have sex with robots.

A second woman has accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexual assault, turning his #MeToo problem into a #MeThree problem.

Bill Cosby will be sentenced this week for his sexual assault conviction, and his sentence will be repeated in about six or seven weeks.

An Australian mother watched in horror as an eastern brown snake – one of the most lethally venomous land snakes in the world – slithered through a window and into her baby’s crib. The baby wasn’t in the crib at the time, and the snake was safely captured and removed, but only after hearing ‘Goodnight Moon’ three times.

Congress is expected to pass a sweeping bill to regulate the U.S. aviation industry, including making it illegal to bump & remove passengers who have already boarded an overbooked flight. The news was welcomed by frequent fliers, but disappointing to United Airlines’ newly-hired bouncers.

Cody Wilson, the firearms activist who controversially issued plans for untraceable 3D-printed guns, was arrested on charges of paying for sex with an underage woman. Prosecutors charged him with statutory sexual assault and submitted their evidence, including a 3D-printed condom.

On  a new ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’, Kris Jenner said that she was the one who pulled her granddaughter, Stormi, from Kylie Jenner during birth. Kris was able to remove the newborn with one hand, and get Stormi’s footprint on a personal services contract with the other.

SiriusXM is buying streaming service Pandora for $3.5 billion, but has yet to announce to Pandora users how many skips they’ll get.

 

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Wells Fargo bank expects to cut 26,500 jobs over the next three years. Execs think that’s the right number, but they can’t be sure how many employees are fakes made up by other employees to open bogus checking accounts.

Increased cases of a rare eye infection have been reported among contact lens wearers in the U.K. Acanthamoeba keratitis, infection of the cornea, has tripled since 2011. Health officials say they’ve been slow to identify the trend because everyone there has foggy vision.

In a new episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, daughter Kourtney slams her mother, Kris Jenner, for cheating on her father when she was a kid – wondering why she would even bother having an affair if she didn’t have a tv show yet to cash in on it.

Halloween costume company Yandy removed a sexy “brave red maiden” costume from its site. The outfit is similar to those worn by women forced into sexual surrogacy in The Handmaid’s Tale. Yandy stopped selling the costume and said customers ordering it will be able to substitute its “sexy textile sweatshop worker” outfit for free.

President Trump, tweeting in regard to Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh’s alleged sexual assault on Christine Blasey Ford, wrote that if the attack was ‘as bad as she says’ charges would have been filed….adding “and I know a thing or two about this stuff.”

A Michigan mother was arrested and held for two hours when she confiscated her daughter’s iPhone as punishment.  An Apple spokesperson said she could have avoided being jailed if she’d followed advice in the Tips app.

Apple created a microsite where you can use your current mobile phone’s browser to look at a 3D model of the new iPhone XS. It’s so lifelike, if you drop your phone, the screen of the virtual XS breaks and you’re charged $49 to open your browser again.

The Cleveland Browns won a football game for the first time in nearly two years – and, by doing so, unlocked thousands of free Bud Light beers around the city for fans. Because the game ended so late, some of the beers were set aside to be enjoyed at Cleveland-area day care centers before nap time.

According to the World Health Organization, 1 in every 20 global deaths are attributable to alcohol consumption. They presented the findings in a new report entitled “Dilly Dilly”.

A study published in the Journal of Physical Activity and Health found that the most dangerous, injury-inducing, type of dance is in Zumba classes. The study cited some cases of women injuring their feet, and other cases of women being shot by men forced to go with them to Zumba.

 

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Nintendo launched Nintendo Switch Online – its first-ever subscription service for console gameplay. Parents say the service is affordably priced at $19.99/year, but are concerned some of their kids have injured their heads repeatedly hitting them on boxes to come up with the money.

Nintendo added that the most popular racer in Mario Kart 8 is President Trump’s penis.

New Jersey authorities and citizens are on the lookout for an alligator spotted roaming in Southern New Jersey. State wildlife officials describe the reptile as “a large alligator with multiple gold chains.”

Maroon 5 is rumored to be the next Super Bowl halftime act. Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta, site of the Super Bowl, is testing to see if the restrooms can handle the 30,000 additional people leaving their seats to not watch it.

Delta Airlines raised its checked baggage fees from $25 to the first checked bag to $30. Additional bags cost $40, up from $35. The good news is that animals dying on Delta flights no longer count as checked bags.

For Jimmy Fallon’s birthday on September 19th, he asked only that people perform a random act of kindness. So throughout America, people took the remote from their partner and shut off The Tonight Show.

Cargill Meat Solutions is recalling 132,600 pounds of ground beef products following an E. coli outbreak. The recall is the basis for the new “Look, it’s not us for once!” ad campaign at Chipotle.

The NFL is closing its 40,000 square foot ‘NFL Experience’ in New York’s Times Square.  The $37-per-ticket attraction was intended to replicate stepping out of the locker room and onto the field of an NFL stadium. Visitors were dissatisfied with having to pay for painkilling injections and CTE scans to take the field.

Coca-Cola is reportedly interested in investing in cannabis-infused soft drinks. Executives are excited over the profit potential in selling soda by the gram.

KISS announced their farewell ‘End of the Road World Tour’ on America’s Got Talent – and were voted off in favor of a 12-year-old girl ventriloquist.

America’s Got Talent’s newest champion is 26-year-old Shin Lim, a Canadian-born close-up magician; the runner-up is Zucaroh, an Austrian acrobatic group. The show concluded with a press conference from U.S.-citizen finalists calling for tighter immigration control.

 

 

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President Trump will visit North Carolina to assess the damage from Hurricane Florence; shares of Procter & Gamble – maker of Bounty paper towels – were up in early trading.

Denise Mueller-Korenek broke the world speed record for riding a bicycle at 183.93 miles per hour. She achieved the feat being towed behind a race car, then detaching and operating the pedals herself. Her ride ended when she ran into the opened door of the race car.

North Korea said it would close a key missile test facility and shut down its primary nuclear complex if the United States agrees to corresponding measures. “You got it, Kim!” said Defense Secretary James Mattis with his fingers crossed behind his back.

Brady Bunch actress Maureen McCormick talked to Us Weekly about her battles with drug addiction, saying her Mom & Dad almost had her arrested because it had gotten so bad. They didn’t because McCormick’s future husband gave her an ultimatum to get clean, and because Mom & Dad were busy planning a trip to Hawaii.

In a new book about New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, author Ian O’Connor claims that then-University of Florida coach Urban Meyer warned Belichick not to draft Aaron Hernandez because of his propensity to lie and smoke pot. Hernandez went on to be convicted for murder, leading Meyer to say “oh, that too.”

Identical twin sisters Jalynne April Crawford and Janelle Ann Leopoldo gave birth to sons on the same day at the same hospital. The sisters thanked God, and the hospital’s 2-for-1 c-section Groupon.

Stormy Daniels is releasing a new tell-all book in which she claims that Donald Trump has “a d— that looks like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.” Trump has repeatedly denied sticking his Toad into her Mushroom Gorge.

Online gaming platform Steam debuted its first hardcore porn game, an anime visual novel titled ‘Negligee: Love Stories’. The object of the game is to make sexual choices as one of four female characters, and to shut it off as quickly as you can when your mom enters the room.

September 19th is International Talk Like A Pirate Day — not to be confused with International Act Like a Pirate Day, when you can murder people and steal their boat.

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety released its list of the 25 Most Expensive Cars to Insure in the U.S. Topping the list? The all-electric Tesla Model S. The Model S has a high collision-repair cost, and a high comprehensive claim rate due to owners pumping gasoline in to the plug.