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Ron Howard replaced LEGO Movie & 21 Jump Street helmers Phil Lord & Christopher Miller as director of the new Han Solo Movie. The movie follows the pre-Star Wars adventures of Solo and his Wookie, Potsie.

Donald Trump tweeted that he has no tapes of conversations with James Comey. Anymore.

A Manhattan bar is donating profits to Planned Parenthood. Now you can get drunk and donate to Planned Parenthood that same day, as opposed to getting drunk and supporting Planned Parenthood a month or so later.

Facebook is testing a new tool to prevent catfishing. The tool works by protecting downloads of profile photos, and by telling you that you have nothing to worry about if you’re not really hot.

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A male call center worker in the UK, frustrated by the office dress code prohibiting shorts, started wearing dresses. His pay dropped 23% and he filed a sexual harassment suit.

The Pizzagate shooter has been sentenced to 4 years in jail, although after 2 years he will be eligible for pick up or delivery.

Bill Cosby plans to hold a series of Town Hall meetings to educate young people about sexual assault laws. The meetings might happen, but the VIP Meet & Greets aren’t likely to sell well.

Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West are looking for surrogates to carry their 3rd child, but so far aren’t having any luck finding women whose womb can fit a tv camera.

Yellowstone’s grizzly bear population has rebounded to where they are no longer an endangered species. There are now enough of them to bus to Washington to protest Trump’s environmental policies.

Uber CEO Travis Kalanick resigned amidst widespread criticism of sexual harassment and misconduct at Uber. Kalanick’s next move isn’t known, but he’s not ruling out “something in the White House”.

Airports in Phoenix and Las Vegas have grounded flights due to excessive heat. Trump’s travel plans are unaffected, because hot air is never a problem for Air Force One.

Restaurant chain Denny’s has introduced Online Ordering, creating a problem for people ordering pancakes online then passing out drunk.

Three refrigerated rail cars filled with butter derailed in the Philadelphia suburbs, setting a record for most first responders arriving with bagels.

 

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A transgender man in Portland Oregon is pregnant with his first child. The man and his partner have decided to keep the child’s gender a secret, for 30 years.

A new report from Credit Suisse says that 25% of U.S. shopping malls will be closed within 5 years. Analysts also project a surge in mall Santas driving for Uber.

SpaceX has delayed the historic launch of a used rocket, after reading its Carfax.

Following Trump’s announcement withdrawing the U.S. from the Paris Climate Accord, Elon Musk announced that he is leaving the President’s Business Advisory Council. Also leaving, Disney CEO Bob Iger and COO Goofy.

“Cash Me Outside” girl Danielle Bregoli has sued a smartphone game maker for using her likeness and catchphrase. The object of the smartphone game is to keep you interested in it for longer than a week.

Eric Trump told Fox News host Sean Hannity that Democrats in Washington “aren’t even people.” Eric then finished drinking blood and rushed home to get to his basement before sunrise.

Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, United Arab Emirates, Egypt and Yemem all broke off diplomatic relations with Qatar – surprising Americans who learned those are actually six different countries.

Shares of Alphabet, parent company of Google, topped $1.000/share. The milestone was commemorated by a Google Doodle depicting the Board of Directors rolling in piles of money.

A man died from swimming too soon after getting a tattoo reading “Jesus Is My Life”. The mortician was busy changing Is to Was.

Wonder Woman broke box office records on opening weekend. Analysts said ticket sales would have been even higher if each showing didn’t take 25 extra minutes getting ready.

Lebanon has banned screenings of Wonder Woman because lead actress Gal Gadot is Israeli. No word on whether Lebanon will screen upcoming holiday blockbuster “Kosher King Kong”.

MIT researchers have developed a new pasta that starts flat, but becomes three-dimensional when placed in water. “How did you guys get in here?” asked the researchers in the adjacent lab working on curing infectious disease.

Former WWE Wrestler Kane is running for Mayor in rural Tennessee. Asked for his qualifications, he replied “I used to be on TV.”

Oceanographers have discovered a “fish without a face” that swims 4,000 feet below sea level.  The fish can only be found off the Australian coast, and at the Seafood Buffet at Golden Corral.

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Mary Kay Letourneau’s husband, Vili Fulaau, has filed for a separation. Her lawyer is seeking to dismiss the petition because he’s grounded.

All-time women’s tennis record holder for Grand Slam titles Margaret Court criticized the sport, saying it’s “full of lesbians”. Said the Women’s Tennis Association: “yeah, so?”

At the time of his arrest for DUI, Tiger Woods stated that he was taking four prescription pain killers. Presumably, to treat his sex addiction. Officers said Woods was asleep in his car. He told police he was watching golf on his laptop.

Boston Childrens Hospital is doubling the number of therapy dogs. The dogs visit the rooms of sick children, once they’ve verified the kids’ health care coverage.

Kris Jenner was granted a restraining order against her alleged stalker – apparently, the only man in the world who doesn’t know she has five daughters.

A great white shark jumped in to a fisherman’s boat off the coast of Australia. The shark explained that he hadn’t eaten a surfer in weeks, grabbed a sandwich and swam off.

A couple who claimed to be trying to have sex for 17 years welcomed sextuplets. They credited the births to fertility drugs, and a switch to vaginal intercourse.

 

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The NFL says it has ‘no evidence’ that Tom Brady suffered a concussion, despite Gisele saying during an interview that he had. “At no time have our trained spotters seen cartoon birds and stars fluttering around Tom Brady’s helmet” said Roger Goodell.

According to her fiancee, a woman MMA fighter finished a recent bout without knowing she was pregnant. Since then, she has felt the baby kicking and choke-holding.

The first functional “Robocop” has hit the streets in Dubai, but promptly landed in the repair shop to have coffee and doughnuts removed.

Egypt’s President said that Donald Trump is “capable of doing the impossible”. Continuing, he told Melania “we call you The Impossible”.

Tom Cruise has confirmed that a Top Gun sequel is definitely happening, just as soon as they can find a seatbelt extender for Iceman.

High school baseball and softball games were cancelled in Vermont when a bear cub walked on the field. Coaches were worried the cub’s mother would show up to complain about his lack of playing time.

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Newly crowned Miss USA Kara McCullough angered some by calling health care a ‘privilege’, not a ‘right’. “Fake boobs, manicures, makeovers…you know, health care” she said.

Economists estimate that more jobs have been lost in retailing than in coal mines. On hearing the news, Trump urged supporters to spend more money at Coals Department Store.

Alex Rodriguez skipped Derek Jeter Night at Yankee Stadium and had dinner with girlfriend Jennifer Lopez. This surprised Yankees fans, who know that A Rod usually waited until playoff games to not show up.

Robert Griffin III is set to marry his girlfriend, who is pregnant with his child. He got down on one knee to propose, and is now expected to miss the 2017 season.

Experts say the perpetrators of the WannaCry ransomware virus have only received about $50,000 in payments. Their next move is expected to be more profitable, a GoFundMe for a sick dog.

 

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The creator of G.I. Joe died – as the toy industry tries to come to Kung Fu grip with the tragedy.

Secretary of Education Betsy Devos was booed while giving the Commencement Address at historic black college Bethune Cookman. Things started out badly as she opened her speech “Congratulations, you people..”

Snapchat posted a $2.2Billion loss in its first quarterly earnings report since going public. CEO Evan Spegel told angry investors he was going to wait 10 seconds to see if the loss goes away.

The company owning Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister is rumored to be for sale, just as soon as the prospective buyer’s Mom gives him the money.

ABC network cancelled comedy series Imaginary Mary. For real.

Tennessee passed legislation making community college free for adult residents. “Community what?” said Tennesseans.

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Years ago, I worked at a bank. I didn’t like it very much. During my time in the Management Training Program there, you had to run through a bunch of different jobs, including Teller. I don’t know who the f goes to the teller anymore. I was lousy at that. There used to be something called a Certified Check, which was a personal check you’d write, then pay an added fee to have the bank ensure you had the money to cover the check. I would routinely certify checks without verifying the balance. Kind of like certifying “yep, this is a check alright.” I did this a number of times before one of the other tellers watched me ‘certify’ a check [put a special sticker on it and use one of those embossing tools like Notary Publics use] while skipping the most important step: making sure they had the money. Remarkably, I didn’t get fired. Which shows you how awful a job being a bank teller is. Anyway.

I “progressed” from there, to making personal loans. Again, you can pretty much do any bank business online now, but back then you talked to somebody about loans. While we were encouraged to make intelligent lending decisions, my handler, a guy named Thurston, said sometimes you have to make a riskier loan. His quote: “If you aren’t making any bad loans, you aren’t making enough loans..” Trust me, I made more than my share of bad loans, just as I had pumped out my share of unverified Certified Checks.

But the quote stuck with me, and I think of it when I write jokes. If I’m not making enough bad jokes, I’m not making enough jokes. I tell everyone that I don’t really know what people find funny any more. So sometimes I’ll write a joke, say to myself “this sucks”..but then tell it and people will laugh. And if I don’t hate myself or find it irredeemably hackneyed, I’ll keep on it and see what I can do. Sometimes a better joke in the same vein will come along to bolster the joke I thought was terrible.

Advice that I received doing something I hated years ago helps guide me when I’m doing something that I enjoy a great deal here & now. Huh.

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The owners of a Giant Rabbit that died on a United Airlines flight are seeking compensation for its death. Joining them as plaintiffs in the suit – the dead rabbit’s 350 children.

CEO of Australian airline Qantas was hit with a pie in the face while speaking at an industry event. The assailant was dragged away by police, who were offered jobs on-the-spot from United.

Otterbox, makers of smartphone cases, are introducing a line of bear-resistant camping coolers. This resulted in a boycott of Otterbox products by bears that own smartphones.

MTV handed out its Movie Awards — honoring excellence in filmmaking as recognized by the people that bring you pregnant teenagers and weirdos catfishing strangers on social media.

A man was given free Wendy’s chicken nuggets for a year after receiving 4.2 million retweets of his request for free food. His next campaign will seek retweets to fund his treatment for Type 2 diabetes.

 

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A friend of mine sent me an article from a comedy blog he’d read (here it is) . The author/comic’s assertion is that young inexperienced comics will see Louis C.K. tackle controversial topics, and then butcher their own attempts at same…all while wasting the author’s time at open mics and offending people in the audience. [Assuming there is one.]

To which I say “go fuck yourself buddy”. Aside from the pretentious point-of-view that underpins the essay [“crafting jokes is my heroin“], the cold, hard truth is that just about every comic’s time is wasted to some degree at an open mic. I hate hearing lousy comics. But I expect them, and live with it.  An open mic is every comic’s practice — not just the good comics’.

In a sport, the starters might get more time or reps than the scrubs at practice, but the whole team shows up in the hope of getting better. As it should be. Quit bitching about terrible comics. Eventually, some will improve. The key is telling them what you like and encouraging them when they do.