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Justin Timberlake was arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated in The Hamptons. Timberlake was unaware there’s been a sobriety checkpoint at the end of Billy Joel’s driveway for the last 35 years.

Today marks Juneteenth – when word of the Emancipation Proclamation resulted in the freedom of enslaved blacks. In 2024, several Abe Lincoln impersonators were hospitalized after marching down the streets of large cities holding banners reading “You’re Welcome!”.

Philadelphia convenience store chain Wawa rolled out its annual Hoagiefest promotion, with retired Eagles All-Pro Jason Kelce & wife serving as spokespersons. They share their ‘go-to’ Wawa hoagie order, which they give to the homeless so they don’t have to eat it.

Massachusetts experienced a statewide 911 outage. The timing couldn’t have been worse as first responders were unable to treat drunks falling off tables and light poles celebrating the Boston Celtics NBA Championship.

With record heat expected to continue throughout the summer, electric bills are projected to increase by 8 percent. Spousal brawls over the thermostat are projected to increase 80 percent.

Russia and North Korea entered a mutual defense pact, with Russia promising to assist in the event another country invades North Korea to steal their poverty and nothingness.

Tropical storm warnings were extended in to Texas. Waves will reach near-record highs, so immigrants entering the state illegally are advised to try surfboards.

During a recent Rolling Stones tour stop in Philadelphia, frontman Mick Jagger explored the city, spending 20 confused minutes at a cheesesteak shop saying “what do you mean ‘wit’ mate?”

In Bensalem, Pennsylvania, six volunteer fire companies are consolidating – setting the stage for what could be the world’s largest-ever pancake breakfast and chicken barbecue.

Billy Ray Cyrus shared an alleged handwritten note from his estranged wife, Firerose, where she asks for a reconciliation just days after accusing him of verbal & emotional abuse. Cyrus refused, claiming to be both too achy and too breaky.

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Starbucks says it’s redesigning its cafes with “persons with disabilities in mind” – so people in wheelchairs will find it easier to do drugs in the bathrooms.

Lionel Richie said leaving Madonna off of ‘We Are The World’ was a mistake – but not as big a mistake as having Bob Dylan on it.

Abraham Lincoln allegedly pardoned Joe Biden’s great great grandfather after he stabbed a man in a brawl. Hunter Biden is hoping his great great dad will do the same for him.

High tailwinds caused multiple transoceanic passenger jets to break the sound barrier at speeds over 800mph. Meanwhile, Boeing admitted their 737 Max 9 jets get their doors – literally – blown off at half that speed

Former YouTube parenting influencer Ruby Franke was sentenced to four years in prison for child abuse. Asked if she had anything to say prior to sentencing, she asked the judge to hit those Like and Subscribe buttons.

Tridentinosaurus antiquus, the fossilized remains of an ancient reptile found in the Italian Alps in the 1930s, was determined to be a fraud. Researchers determined the fossils dark shading was created with paint, and the reptile’s jaw shouldn’t have contained bubble gum.

Companies are increasingly using artificial intelligence to review applicant resumes. Although, since it’s a human resources job, it doesn’t require a lot of intelligence.

An alligator at a Nebraska zoo needed emergency surgery to remove 70 coins from its stomach. None of the 70 Nebraskans got their wish.

Almost every area of California is under flood watch. Many Californians are disappointed to find their homes aren’t worth more now that they’re waterfront property.

A horse was spotted running on Interstate 95 outside of Philadelphia. Police and animal experts eventually tracked down the horse and returned it to the owner along with $800 in traffic tickets and unpaid EZ Pass tolls.

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Saudi Arabia will allow women to drive for the first – and, in many instances, last – time.

  • While many Saudi women applauded the move, others asked “if we still can’t drink, what’s the point?”
  • Shares of Mini Cooper, Subaru & Saudi Urgent Care all soared on the news.

New York Giants co-owner John Mara said he’s unhappy with Odell Beckham Jr celebrating a touchdown by pretending to be a urinating dog. Also unhappy? – Mara’s dog – who said Beckham Jr should have peed on the goal post.

In San Diego, construction began on eight prototypes for President Trump’s proposed border wall. So far designs are split between stainless steel, and subway tiles with a decorative splash of color.

  • Once complete, the walls will be tested by Homeland Security; they’ll ask Crossfit enthusiasts to attempt tossing 10 pound bags of cake flour over it.

Chelsea Manning was denied entry into Canada; when Customs officials asked if she had anything to declare, she rattled off 45 minutes of U.S. Intelligence secrets.

Joanna & Chip Gaines, co-hosts of HGTV’s Fixer Upper, announced the show is ending. The time slot is expected to be filled with Flip Or Flop‘s Christina & Tarek El Moussa’s divorce hearings, Fixer Downer.

Russia threatened to block Facebook until they comply with a law requiring storage of its Russian users’ personal data on Russian soil.  Facebook has yet to respond, but expressed doubt about storing anything on soil.

Founder Jack Dorsey said Twitter will test doubling tweet length to 280 characters, delighting windbag liberal pundits who can now thread 10 anti-Trump tweets instead of the usual 20.

WalMart is introducing a line of 100 baby products under their new L’il Dirtbag brand.

A USA Today investigation revealed that in 2012, a Wisconsin music teacher told two 2nd Grade boys they couldn’t play Abraham Lincoln in a class skit because they were too “dark-skinned”. The teacher was reprimanded, and the dejected boys each walked home five miles uphill.

Acting Drug Enforcement Agency Administrator Chuck Rosenberg is leaving. Sources say he didn’t like having Trump as a boss and wants to work for someone smarter and more compassionate like El Chapo.