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A Florida man died on the operating table when his surgeon reportedly removed the patient’s liver instead of his spleen. The surgeon said he wasn’t feeling well that day after his eating his breakfast of spleen & onions.

Comcast/NBCUniversal agreed to pay $2.45 billion per year to air NBA games, and an extra half-billion to make sure none of them are Washington Wizards games.

A new strain of monkeypox was discovered in Africa. It now includes gorillas.

Donald Trump said that crime in the U.S. is so bad, “you can’t walk across the street to get a loaf of bread – you get shot, you get mugged, you get raped..” Trump said the lesson is to buy bread on the side of the street you’re already on.

A toddler was reportedly served alcohol during a meal at a California restaurant. Investigators are still trying to determine how the vodka got in the kid’s sippy cup.

An attendee reportedly died on Day 1 of the Burning Man Festival. First responders called it a “sick burn”.

The World Health Organization claimed 70% of baby food fails to meet their nutritional standards. They then retracted the report after discovering they weren’t testing “baby food”, they were testing “Kids Meals”.

Lululemon recalled all of their new Breezethrough leggings, after women complained of an unflattering fit, and about the thick fabric not letting their posterior breeze through.

Walmart recalled apple juice over high arsenic levels. “Who wants a 10th glass of apple juice?? ” asked a mom of 3 kids looking to lower the household budget.

Typing “”:: reportedly crashes iPhones. Men & women are now busily borrowing their parents iPhones so they can type “”:: into them.

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A New York MTA bus slammed into a Brooklyn townhouse complex where it remains stuck, requiring the evacuation of 170+ residents. However, three hipsters moved into the bus, splitting the $4,000 monthly rent.

BroodX cicadas were cited as the cause of a car crash outside of Cincinnati. Two cicadas were ticketed for driving with licenses that expired 16 years ago.

Beech Nut will no longer sell rice cereal baby food, saying it can’t control the high levels of arsenic in the rice. Meanwhile, several parents who tried serving the product claim their baby’s first words as “Are you TRYING to f*ckin’ KILL ME?”.

A viral TikTok video shows a groom nervously checking his phone as his bride walks down the aisle on their wedding day. She explained that his vows were written on the phone, but wondered if Grindr had a notes tab.

The Biden administration bought 500 million doses of Pfizer’s COVID vaccine to donate to underserved countries. However, unvaccinated residents of third-world countries are waiting to see what vaccine lottery prizes he’s giving away.

Mississippi ranks lowest in the country for adult COVID-19 vaccination, and highest in the nation for medical technicians cutting their hands open while holding syringes backwards.

Nitrous oxide, or ‘laughing gas’, shows promising early trial results to treat depression. The study followed 200 depressed individuals partying at an EDM festival with a truckload of canned whipped cream.

NBC cancelled fan-favorite show ‘Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist’, or, as it’s now known, ‘Zoey’s 25- Episode Playlist’.

Indonesian health officials were able to modify mosquitoes and reduce dengue fever transmission by 77%. They did so by introducing male mosquitoes to a bacteria found in Drakkar Noir, so humans could smell and avoid them.

Emma Colonel Alspuro, wife of convicted drug lord Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, pleaded guilty in U.S. Federal Court to drug trafficking charges. The former beauty queen will represent Mexico in this year’s Miss Supermax Pageant.