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A Florida teacher, upset with the principal at her school, spread human feces on tables and grills at a park where the principal was to host a birthday party for her daughter. The principal considered moving her daughter’s party to Chuck E. Cheese, but decided the park was still better.

Amazon announced Amazon Key for Garage – a variant of Amazon Key where delivery persons leave packages in your garage instead of inside your front door. The move was hailed by thieves who are happy to steal your bike or car in addition to your packages.

A security camera caught a suspect, 33-year-old Roberto Arroyo, licking the doorbell of a home in Salinas, California for three hours. The homeowner, Sylvia Dungan, tapped Arroyo on the head and told him to try something different.

Users in the U.K., parts of Europe and North America were disappointed on Tuesday when Tinder went down – the exact opposite of how they feel when Tinder dates do.

A shopper in Los Angeles photographed Beyoncé shopping at Target. Or, as it’s now known, Tarcé .

The Las Vegas Consumer Electronics show revoked an innovation award from a robotics company making the Osé – a device to stimulate the g-spot and clitoris to produce orgasm- because officials said it didn’t fit a product category.   “I have a category for it” said a woman.

Passengers on an EDM party cruise departing Florida were arrested for possession of cocaine & ecstasy, in what police called ‘a layup’.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                New artificial intelligence technology called DeepGestalt can identify certain rare genetic disorders by examining facial photos.  DeepGestalt told a woman herpes isn’t a rare genetic disorder, and, no, it can’t tell if her boyfriend has it from his picture.

A dad created an app that freezes kids’ smartphones until they answer their parents’ texts. He’s now refining the app so that the phone remains frozen when the kid texts back “leave me the f**k alone”. [ h/t to K.A.P. ! ]                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Actor Josh Brolin marked his fifth sober anniversary with a photo on Instagram taken while he was drunk. The photo was accompanied by a lengthy description of the horrors of excessive drinking, but still omitted any mention of ‘Jonah Hex’.

 

 

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R Kelly refuses to watch the Lifetime docuseries ‘Surviving R Kelly’ – detailing his alleged abuse of women – calling it a “vendetta” against him. Sources say Kelly is really pissed on about it.

A giant tuna sold for a record $3.1 million at auction to a restaurant owner in Tokyo. He then paid another $1 million for bread, mayonnaise, celery & onions to break the record for the world’s biggest, most disappointing lunch.

According to LinkedIn, ‘artificial intelligence’ is one of the top 5 hard skills employers are seeking in 2019.  And by artificial intelligence, they aren’t referring to lying on your LinkedIn profile.

Brazilian UFC fighter Polyana Viana said she beat up a man in Rio de Janeiro who was attempting to steal her cell phone. UFC President Dana White immediately boarded a flight to Rio to collect $40 from everyone who saw it happen.

Alabama police are warning drivers against stopping on Highway 35 to retrieve chicken tenders that were spilled on the road in an 18-wheeler wreck. Their plea will likely prove unsuccessful, because in Alabama, the 5-second rule is 5 days.

Kendall Jenner took to Instagram to say she struggles with facial acne, and to announce that she’s the new celebrity spokesperson for Proactiv.  Still no word which of her sisters will be named spokesperson for new Proactiv for Ginormous Butt Zits.

Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa is the new record-holder for most retweeted post ever. He promised to share $975,000 with 100 randomly-selected persons who retweeted him. As of this morning, the tweet had been retweeted more than 5 million times, 4.96 million of those coming from @realDonaldTrump .

Ruth Bader Ginsburg was absent from oral arguments in the Supreme Court’s first session of 2019. Ginsburg is recovering from cancer surgery, and from getting hammered at the premiere of the new movie about her.

According to a new law, Saudi Arabian women divorced by their husbands will be notified via text message. Which sounds terrible, but women getting divorce notifications from Boost Mobile probably knew their husband wasn’t a billionaire.

  • ‘New phone. Who dis?’ read a reply to a wrong-number divorce notification.

Kevin Spacey appeared in a Nantucket court Monday morning as his attorney entered a plea of not guilty to charges against Spacey for sexual assault. “How did he get here so soon after the Golden Globes?” asked a low-level court employee who hasn’t been keeping up.

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Two female bachelorettes competing on Asian tv show ‘Bachelor: Vietnam’ have reportedly dropped out of the competition so that they could have a romantic relationship with each other. This confused The Bachelor, who thought he was going to be part of the show’s first threesome.

A class action suit being brought by Asian-Americans is alleging racial bias in Harvard University’s student admissions process. “See, I knew it was fixed!” said an Asian kid with an 1100 combined SAT score in his dorm at Arizona State.

Apple acquired music analytics firm Asaii, which claims that its algorithms filter social media and streaming music to predict which unsigned artists will become “the next Justin Bieber.” So far, Asaii has found zero Justin Biebers and millions of Annoying Friends asking you to come watch them sing Taylor Swift covers at open mic.

Apple released a series of Apple Watch ‘how to’ videos over the weekend. They include “How to start a workout”; “How to use Emergency SOS”; and “How to corner your friends and coworkers into asking about your new Apple Watch.”

President Trump was interviewed on 60 Minutes and said that he treated alleged sexual assault victim Christine Blasey Ford with respect, adding that it doesn’t matter because “we won”. It was unclear in Trump’s mind whether “we” referred to conservatives, or men who get away with sexual assault.

Scientists at Caltech and University of Quebec have developed the world’s fastest camera, capable of capturing 10 trillion frames per second. The camera can capture the progress of a beam of light in slow motion, but the scientists’ dads still managed to take out-of-focus photos of their own necks pointing it the wrong way.

In a posthumously published book, physicist Stephen Hawking warns the unchecked growth of artificial intelligence could wipe out humanity. Hawking warns humans will need to build safeguards to slow down super robots, such as coding kill switches or making the robots want to eat at Chipotle.

Sears declared bankruptcy after being unable to make a $134 million debt payment that was due on Monday. Sears tried to raise the cash by returning truckloads of Craftsman tools and Toughskins jeans to Amazon, but they were only offered store credit.

Sony PlayStation 4 owners are reportedly seeing their consoles seize up and crash due to a malicious message. The message is from the gamers’ moms saying if they don’t get jobs, they’re smashing the PlayStation.

A new viral Facebook hoax has emerged, this one warning of the dangers of cloned accounts. Facebook says safeguards are in place to prevent cloning, but that users whose friends have a cloned account may enjoy the ability to unfriend them twice.

 

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Former Trump Campaign aide Sam Nunberg, who is refusing a subpoena from Special Counsel Robert Mueller, appeared on CNN’s ‘Out Front with Erin Burnett’, where Burnett said she smelled alcohol on his breath. Nunberg questioned why that’s a problem if CNN has an open bar in the green room.

Porn site YouPorn used artificial intelligence to predict “porn’s hottest trends”. The list included pop-culture matchups like “T’Challa and Shuri” and more cryptic terms like “spray and pay”.  Production started immediately on “Black Panther Goes To The Car Wash”.

By May, McDonald’s Quarter Pounders in the contiguous U.S. will be made with fresh beef. Fresh beef in Hawaii locations will wait until cattle can be duped into taking luxury vacations; Alaska is just a long way off.

A 20-year-old Oregon man is suing Dick’s Sporting Goods and Walmart for refusing to sell him a rifle due to their new 21-and-older policy for firearms sales. His friends and acquaintances are rapidly lining up excuses for missing his 21st birthday party.

Questlove is encouraging celebrities to buy tickets so that children can see ‘A Wrinkle In Time’. For every $10 donated, children get a free ticket to an AMC theater showing ‘A Wrinkle In Time’, so they can sneak out and see ‘Black Panther’ again.

Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson interviewed Stephen Hawking for his show StarTalk, gathering the highest-ever ratings for a program that absolutely no one watching can understand.

Jeopardy! used a sudden-death tiebreaker for the first time in history after two contestants ended Final Jeopardy with the same score. Jeopardy! switched to the single-question tie breaker in 2016; judges used to declare the winner by who had the least-boring story after the first commercial break.

Dyson’s new air purifier has an LCD screen that tells you what it’s cleaning out of the air in your home. It displays messages such as ‘dust’, ‘pet dander’, and ‘please hire a cleaning lady I am dying’.

A Chinese woman gave her iPhone to her 2-year-old, and the child entered an incorrect password enough times to lock her out of it for 47 years. A Genius Bar worker took her email address and notified her when she’s eligible to trade in for an iPhone 53.

MLB’s Arizona Diamondbacks are throwing back over two decades, and will bring in relief pitchers using a golf cart — provided they can find a golf cart in Arizona.

 

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An Oregon court ruled against a dog owner in a nuisance barking case, and ordered the owner to have the dog’s vocal cords surgically removed. The owner plans to appeal the ruling by Judge Mittens.

LEGO will cut 1,400 workers due to declining sales. The cuts are expected to come from Hardhat Guys, some of whom will enter retraining in hope of finding new jobs in Star Wars playsets.

76% of respondents to a U.S. Bank survey say that if they carry cash, they keep less than $50 on them. The remaining 24% actually go on dates.

Video game maker Nintendo has updated the profile of its iconic character Mario, saying that he’s no longer a plumber. The statement was verified by Mario’s former union, who revoked his certification after multiple reports of his wearing a raccoon suit and killing turtles while on the job.

Elon Musk predicted World War III will result from advances in Artificial Intelligence, but added that as long as Trump is president, the U.S. should have nothing to worry about.

A study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences concludes that female-named hurricanes are deadlier than male-named hurricanes – saying female hurricanes know where they’re going, and male hurricanes are reluctant to get directions.

Vladimir Putin said that North Koreans would rather “eat grass” than give up their nuclear weapons. North Koreans replied that if sanctions were lifted and they could get ranch dressing for the grass, they’d think about a deal.

Following President Trump’s decision to wind down DACA and target immigrant “dreamers”, the President of the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce resigned from Trump’s Diversity Council — effectively making it the Bunch of Diverse White Guys Council.

A South Carolina couple, claiming that they suffered damage to their vision after using eclipse glasses purchased from Amazon, is suing the retailer. The suit named the Sun and Moon as co-defendants.

The NBA’s Houston Rockets were sold for a record $2.2 Billion to restaurateur Tillman Fertitta. Fertitta said he was honored to be the team’s owner and looks forward to sitting courtside just as soon as he can save up more money to buy the seats.