Three scientists won the Nobel Prize for Chemistry for ‘snapping molecules together like Legos’. Then one of the scientists broke their foot stepping on the Nobel Prize.

Angelina Jolie alleges that Brad Pitt abused her and two of their children on a flight in 2016 – striking her head, choking one of the kids, and making all of them watch Oceans 12.

Paradiso, in Barcelona, Spain, was named the World’s Best Bar by website theworlds50best.com – a site managed by someone who apparently thinks they’re too fancy for $1 margaritas at Applebees.

The world’s biggest pilot of the four-day work week by a public relations company in London is almost complete. They think that productivity is generally good, but see a tenfold increase in people calling in sick on Thursday instead of Friday.

New York Yankees slugger Aaron Judge broke the American League record with his 62nd home run. Overall home run king Barry Bonds hopes Judge doesn’t get a swelled head.

A New York investment adviser caught Judge’s home run ball, which is expected to bring him upwards of $2 million. It was the day’s third-most-valuable catch, following whatever two lawyers caught jobs representing Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen.

Olga Valeeva, winner of the Miss Crimea beauty pageant, was fined by Russian authorities for singing a patriotic Ukrainian battle anthem. She was ordered to pay 40,000 rubles, and return to her new job driving a tank.

Three teens in Florida stole a Maserati and led police on a 120-mph high-speed chase before flipping the car, killing one of the thieves. The news gets worse because the Maserati was insured with The General.

A new animated Scooby-Doo movie will confirm Velma is gay – but still not as gay as Fred’s neckerchief.

Senate candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz is accused of killing puppies for medical research. Some of them suffered punctured hearts, the rest died from overeating Green Coffee Bean Extract Dog Chow.

Congress approved a bill to make Juneteenth – June 19th, a day marking the end of slavery – a federal holiday, as multiple Republicans tried, and failed, to do the same for Jansixth.

Gay soccer star Megan Rapinoe was hired to promote Victoria’s Secret as part of their rebrand – so now we all know what Victoria’s secret was.

The Philadelphia 76ers blew a 20-point lead for the second straight time, losing to the Atlanta Hawks in Game 5 of their playoff series. Philadelphia fans threw batteries at the team, then the Sixers threw them back and missed.

Southern Baptists elected Ed Litton as their conference President, who’s viewed as a ‘centrist’ because he promotes racial justice, while still hating queers.

Angelina Jolie reportedly got a ‘meaningful new tattoo’ – which reminds her what all of her other, less meaningful, tattoos are supposed to mean.

Fishermen near New Jersey’s Seaside Heights Pier caught a great white shark, which was then won by a kid playing a ring toss game.

The world’s third-largest diamond was reportedly unearthed near Botswana. Google suffered a brief outage as all the world’s rappers and the Kardashian family simultaneously searched ‘Where Is Botswana’?

Asked about privacy in a new interview, Apple CEO Tim Cook called it “a fundamental human right”. Asked about more durable glass on iPhones, Cook called it “a much lower priority than privacy”.

Microsoft Teams is doubling the maximum number of on-screen videoconference participants from 49 to 98. This makes it more likely you can see video of CNN’s Jeffrey Toobin masturbating, but tougher to actually tell what he’s doing.

Ricky Schroder protested outside a Foo Fighters concert in Agoura Hills, California, because attendance required proof of vaccination. Schroeder then left for a Toby Keith concert which required proof of gun ownership and dropping out of junior high.

Lady Gaga’s ‘A Star Is Born’ passed Whitney Houston’s ‘The Bodyguard’ in ticket revenue, making it the highest-grossing film ever by a musician. Each of those films passed Mariah Carey’s ‘Glitter’ as soon as they each sold five tickets.

Angelina Jolie is set to star in a new thriller, ‘Those Who Wish Me Dead’ – adapted from divorce proceedings with her ex-husbands.

A blast of polar air descending on the midwestern U.S. will make Chicago colder than Antarctica on Wednesday. It’s so bad, the Chicago Blackhawks are looking forward to leaving early for their Friday game in Buffalo.

Pennsylvania prison officials at SCI Phoenix say that a camera drone followed inmate Bill Cosby while he was outside in the prison yard. The drone hovered for five minutes of material, deleted it, then flew away.

Two Danish clothing designers are finding success with their new apparel line, Carcel. All Carcel items are made by women serving in maximum security prisons in Thailand and Peru. They say their biggest challenge is keeping the inmates from adding pockets for cell phones and chisels.

Alleged NXIVM sex cult leader Keith Raniere made his third request to a judge for immediate release on bail. His lawyer claims that he’s being held without just cause, and also Raniere isn’t thrilled with the sex cults in jail.

The Sackler family, owners of Purdue Pharma – sellers of OxyContin – face a lawsuit accusing them of profiting from the opioid crisis.  The lawsuit is the result of an investigation known as “Operation Duhh”.

A Fox News anchor, Julie Banderas, criticized President Trump on Twitter for “bullying” fellow Fox News journalists John Roberts and Gillian Turner.  Bible historians checked this off their lists, leaving just 6 more signs of the apocalypse to go.

Boston University researchers studying the brain of Atlanta Falcons linebacker Tommy Nobis determined at the time of his death at age 74, he suffered from the most severe form of CTE. NFL doctors also gave Nobis’ brain their most severe CTE rating: Moderate.

A 911 dispatcher in Indiana took a call from a child seeking help with math homework. She helped him solve a problem about fractions, because he was so polite, and because it was more fun than hearing the people on hold shriek about their relatives’ heart attacks.

A man is suing Gwyneth Paltrow, saying she caused him a brain injury and four broken ribs. A judge ruled there needed to be two separate suits — one for the skiing collision with Paltrow that caused the broken ribs, and one for the brain injury which the man sustained from reading Paltrow’s website, Goop.

Former White House staffer and ‘Apprentice’ star Omarosa Manigault-Newman, author of a new book on the Trump Presidency, claims she was offered money in exchange for keeping quiet. Trump’s supporters and critics both call this “not the worst idea the Trump administration has ever had.”

Omarosa appeared on Sunday morning television to state that she recorded her firing from the White House by Chief of Staff John Kelly. Having appeared on The Apprentice multiple times, she said she just assumed someone should be recording every time somebody gets fired.

A Pittsburgh Steelers fan in full pads attempted to sneak on to the field during the team’s practice on Saturday. He was removed by team officials and called a press conference to announce his retirement due to CTE.

In advance of the Unite the Right 2 white supremacist rally scheduled for Washington, DC on Sunday, President Trump tweeted to condemn “all types of racism and violence…even the good kind.”

The Italian island of Sardinia is issuing fines over $3,000 for visitors stealing sand from the beaches. So far police have collected six figures from toddlers and Moms caught with sand in their butt cracks and flip-flops.

Two female former Nike employees accuse the company of systemic gender discrimination and failure to provide equal pay. They call their legal action Just Sue It.

A hippopotamus attacked and killed a Chinese tourist in Kenya. The tourist was rushed to a hospital but died of his injuries; the hippo is reportedly already hungry again.

Rapper Wiz Khalifa went from 140 to 175 pounds through mixed martial arts training, although he admits that 30 pounds are muscle, the other 5 are weed.

Miami University of Ohio refuted Florida Republican Melissa Howard’s claim that she graduated from the school. Howard, 46, is a candidate for state representative in Florida’s 73rd District. “Wait. There’s a Miami… in OHIO?” said Floridians.

Angelina Jolie returned to California as ordered by a judge in her divorce proceedings from Brad Pitt. She was seen shopping for weekly groceries at Whole Foods, so she upped her child support request by $100,000.

 

 

 

Richard Thaler, professor at the University of Chicago, won the 2017 Nobel Prize in Economics for research into why people don’t make rational economic decisions. Thaler thanked the Nobel committee and his research subjects – broke losers who buy UFC & WWE pay-per-view.

Vice President Mike Pence and his wife briefly attended the Indianapolis Colts/San Francisco 49ers NFL game on Sunday, but then left after the national anthem because of player protests. Pence sent tweets explaining his actions, and ushers spent the rest of the game kicking drunk Hoosiers out of his seats.

  • It’s estimated that Pence’s trip cost U.S. taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars in travel, security and $12 stadium Coors Lights.

Sofia Vergara documented her mammogram on Instagram; the Facebook Live event drew millions but was cancelled when technicians couldn’t find a mammography machine big enough.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un promoted his 28 year-old younger sister Kim Yo Yong to the country’s highest decision-making body, the Political Bureau. She said she hopes to adopt a Lean In policy — referring to ideas from her older sister, Lean In Yong.

  • Kim Jong Un said he got the idea for appointing his sister from Donald Trump’s appointment of Ivanka, while conceding the difference that Kim Yo is his sister, and Ivanka is Donald’s girl crush.

GOP Senator Bob Corker and President Trump traded jabs on Twitter, with Trump calling Corker a ‘negative voice’ in the Senate, and Corker calling the White House an ‘adult day care’.  The President was unavailable for comment during his nap after screening the My Little Pony Movie.

Actor James Woods denied that he’s retiring from acting, a statement confirmed by several 16 year-old girls he invited to audition with him in a new movie produced by Harvey Weinstein.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said that Dallas Cowboys players who ‘disrespect’ the flag during the national anthem will be benched — presumably, for kickoffs and extra points.

U.S. soccer star Alex Morgan apologized for her drunken incident at Disney World’s Epcot Center, where she and friends were escorted out of the park after a fight at the pavilion’s British pub. No municipal charges were filed, but Disney World lawmakers say that Morgan has been sentenced to three penalty kicks from Minnie Mouse.

A new story reveals that Angelina Jolie once offered to help capture fugitive Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony by joining him at dinner. The plan failed when Kony decided he’d rather eat somewhere else than Red Lobster.

Elon Musk announced that, due to delays in production in Tesla’s passenger vehicle line, he’s delayed production of Tesla’s planned semi truck. As a result, production has been halted on Burt Reynolds comeback movie, Smokey and the Electric Convoy.