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Jeff and Mackenzie Bezos’ $38 billion divorce settlement is almost complete, according to a lawyer at a Lamborghini dealership.

New York City began enforcement of its styrofoam ban. Emergency rooms were overflowing with burn and ulcer victims as Dunkin started pouring coffee directly into customers’ mouths.

According to a new study, one in five Americans say they’ve been hurt by someone else’s drinking. Four out of five really appreciate having that wingman.

House Democrats are calling for the investigation of a Secret Facebook group where Border Patrol agents make jokes about migrant deaths and post vulgar images of Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. The group is launching their own investigation as to who wrecked the secret.

United Airlines apologized for putting a 14-year-old on the wrong international flight from Newark to Europe. They were able to get the teen on the correct flight, and compensated him with someone’s puppy they found in the cargo hold.

USA Today surveyed readers to find out the 25 most popular things they bought in the month of June. Not making the list? – USA Today.

Barnes & Noble opened a new store in Wilmington, Delaware. The new location is designed to be more customer-friendly, so they’ve widened the spaces between shelves to give drug addicts and vagrants more room to lie down.

Tom Brady posted an Instagram video of him cursing after hitting an errant tee shot while golfing, captioned with “when you forget the kids are in the cart”. Brady’s sons laughed, then got back to learning how to cheat at golf.

Walmart is using virtual reality headsets to test middle-management job candidates’ skills. So far, the virtual reality that elicits the best candidate response is the one where they work someplace other than Walmart.

A Bankrate.com study finds over 50% of Americans are losing sleep worrying about money – and are even more pissed off their Fitbits keep telling them they need more sleep.

University researchers in Mexico have created a form of biodegradeable plastic from the juice of the prickly pear cactus. Great news if you care about the environment and don’t mind slicing your lip open drinking bottled water.

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New York City police arrested a man with gasoline cans & lighters inside of St Patrick’s Cathedral. The man said he was just trying to bring a little bit of Paris to the Big Apple.

The Weather Channel was knocked off the airwaves Thursday morning by what it claims was a “malicious software attack”. They promptly dispatched Jim Cantore to their I.T. department to give live reports from the center of the software storm.

Dashcam video from Montana showed a beaver dragging a large tree branch across a busy highway at night. Once the beaver delivered the branch to the site of a new dam, he returned to his day job as Mayor of the Montana town where he lives.

Comcast and T-Mobile announced a joint effort to cut down on the number of robocalls received by customers on their networks, it involves dropping the robocalls just like the rest of them.

Tech journalists’ review samples of the $2,000 Samsung Galaxy Fold – the first smartphone with a folding display – are breaking. The failures are troubling, but reviewers liked that you can fold the phone closed to extinguish it when it catches fire.

Barnes & Noble announced users of its Nook e*reader & app can download free copies of the Mueller Report – an announcement greeted with indifference by the eight people using the Nook e*reader or app.

Jenny Mollen and Jason Biggs shared that she dropped their son Sid on his head, fracturing his skull. This followed a months-old post saying their other son, Lazlo, was bitten by a dog. Both boys are fine. Their nanny describes her job as “pretty hands off.”

A new study found gluten in 32% of restaurant food labeled ‘gluten free’. “See, this is why we don’t even try” said an Arby’s spokesman.

New York City’s population dipped for the first time in a decade, according to government estimates. Reasons include lower international immigration, and the inability to count people stuck on late subway trains.

Multiple McDonald’s customers in Lyons, New York claimed to have found worms at the bottom of their soft drink cups – thus ending the secret trial of McDonald’s new McQuila.