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Actor Burt Reynolds died of complications from cardiac arrest. When hospital workers asked if there was anything they could do to make him more comfortable before he passed away, Reynolds told them to burn every copy of ‘Cop And A Half’.

Starbucks will soon start selling espresso in Italy – not because Italians need better espresso, they just need more locations where they can act like dicks ordering it.

Major hotel chains Marriott and Hyatt are giving employees ‘Panic buttons’ to use if they feel they’re in danger of assault or harassment. The panic buttons are also being given out at Red Roof Inns, to both desk clerks and “frequent guests” interacting with truckers.

The next star of ABC’s ‘The Bachelor’ will be Colton Underwood, a 26-year-old former football player who is a virgin. Producers want to know if he plans to give roses to women virgins competing for his affection on the show, so they can cut the flower budget.

A case study in the New England Journal of Medicine documents a woman contracting a condition known as ‘black hairy tongue’ upon taking a combination of antibiotics after a car accident. The antibiotics worked fine, but caused the woman to want to obsessively groom her cat.

Uber and Lyft are expanding their services to offer electric scooter rentals. Both companies say they’ll also hire employees to maintain & recharge the scooters, and to sexually harass renters.

The New York Times reports that the White House is eyeing 12 persons as possible authors of the anonymous ‘Resistance Letter’ op-ed published in the New York Times — and the New York Times is saying they might not want to waste time on 11 of them.

Missouri’s College of the Ozarks removed Nike logos from its sports teams uniforms in protest of Nike’s utilizing Colin Kaepernick as a spokesperson. Nike is currently assessing the brand impact of the logo not being seen by the 14 people expected to watch College of the Ozarks big football game against Missouri Southeast Baptist Tech.

Video of a brawl at a Chick-fil-A in Washington DC has gone viral. A 55-year-old customer reportedly yelled at others, then jumped behind the counter where he was punched by a 27-year–old employee. Despite the employee’s action defending co-workers, he was terminated because he wasn’t chicken.

At Miss America preliminaries, Miss Virginia responded to a question about football players kneeling for the national anthem, saying that “it’s not about kneeling; it is…about police brutality.” Asked whether or not she would kneel, Miss Mississippi said “not until the fifth or sixth date.”

 

 

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Former porn star Jenna Jameson shared an Instagram photo of her breastfeeding her 11-month-old son, advocating for normalcy to the act of breastfeeding in public. After the photo shoot, her son took a cigarette break and got a ride to his next job.

Trump will meet with tech billionaire Bill Gates at the White House on Thursday. Gates is expected to unplug Trump’s cable modem, wait 30 seconds, and plug it back in.

Actor Burt Reynolds told the Today show’s Hoda Kotb that he fell in love with Sally Field when Field was seven years old. Reynolds told Kotb he fought with producers who didn’t want to cast her in his movie Smokey And The Pedophile.

Anderson Cooper and his boyfriend of nine years, Benjamin Maisani, broke up amicably, and will share custody of the gym membership and dog.

A Sicilian prophet predicted the arrival of the Virgin Mary at 4:30pm local time on St. Patrick’s Day in a small chapel in southern Germany – the same day and time “pilgrims” said she arrived last year. They say they recognized Mary’s arrival by her “scent of roses”, although that was also the Febreze used to cover up the pasta fagioli lunch.

A group of Toyota engineers in Japan built a free-throw shooting robot that never misses. However the robot brings great shame on his family for his terrible grades.

Stormy Daniels’ attorney told MSNBC that in the wake of her admission of sex with Donald Trump she has been “physically threatened” – and emotionally traumatized by the memory of him in white briefs.

Playboy is introducing a new cryptocurrency that you can earn by interacting with porn, leading one customer to say “I’m rich, but boy is my arm tired.”

Apple is holding an education-focused event on March 27th at a Chicago high school. The American students will be lectured by Chinese Apple employees during their break from junior high school.

Five Pennridge High School students in Pennsylvania who participated in the National Walkout Against Gun Violence received extra detention for going to Dunkin Donuts while out of school. The students’ parents argued that since they all had coffee, they’ve been punished enough.

 

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Richard Thaler, professor at the University of Chicago, won the 2017 Nobel Prize in Economics for research into why people don’t make rational economic decisions. Thaler thanked the Nobel committee and his research subjects – broke losers who buy UFC & WWE pay-per-view.

Vice President Mike Pence and his wife briefly attended the Indianapolis Colts/San Francisco 49ers NFL game on Sunday, but then left after the national anthem because of player protests. Pence sent tweets explaining his actions, and ushers spent the rest of the game kicking drunk Hoosiers out of his seats.

  • It’s estimated that Pence’s trip cost U.S. taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars in travel, security and $12 stadium Coors Lights.

Sofia Vergara documented her mammogram on Instagram; the Facebook Live event drew millions but was cancelled when technicians couldn’t find a mammography machine big enough.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un promoted his 28 year-old younger sister Kim Yo Yong to the country’s highest decision-making body, the Political Bureau. She said she hopes to adopt a Lean In policy — referring to ideas from her older sister, Lean In Yong.

  • Kim Jong Un said he got the idea for appointing his sister from Donald Trump’s appointment of Ivanka, while conceding the difference that Kim Yo is his sister, and Ivanka is Donald’s girl crush.

GOP Senator Bob Corker and President Trump traded jabs on Twitter, with Trump calling Corker a ‘negative voice’ in the Senate, and Corker calling the White House an ‘adult day care’.  The President was unavailable for comment during his nap after screening the My Little Pony Movie.

Actor James Woods denied that he’s retiring from acting, a statement confirmed by several 16 year-old girls he invited to audition with him in a new movie produced by Harvey Weinstein.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said that Dallas Cowboys players who ‘disrespect’ the flag during the national anthem will be benched — presumably, for kickoffs and extra points.

U.S. soccer star Alex Morgan apologized for her drunken incident at Disney World’s Epcot Center, where she and friends were escorted out of the park after a fight at the pavilion’s British pub. No municipal charges were filed, but Disney World lawmakers say that Morgan has been sentenced to three penalty kicks from Minnie Mouse.

A new story reveals that Angelina Jolie once offered to help capture fugitive Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony by joining him at dinner. The plan failed when Kony decided he’d rather eat somewhere else than Red Lobster.

Elon Musk announced that, due to delays in production in Tesla’s passenger vehicle line, he’s delayed production of Tesla’s planned semi truck. As a result, production has been halted on Burt Reynolds comeback movie, Smokey and the Electric Convoy.