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Clinton Ellis-Gilmore, 53, a drag queen and member of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence – a drag group that performed at Dodger Stadium on Pride Night – was arrested after publicly masturbating in broad daylight at a park. An LA Dodgers spokesperson said they regret that this happened during his 7th Inning solo performance of Take Me Out To The Ballgame.

HBO’s Real Time With Bill Maher will return to air despite there being no resolution to the Writers Guild strike. His first guests will be a few Republicans and Drew Barrymore.

Captured fugitive murderer Danelo Cavalcante reportedly told police he planned to carjack someone and flee to Canada…adding “and I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling scent-dogs! “

At the trial where she was found guilty of murdering seven babies, prosecutors produced notes where British nurse Lucy Letby wrote “I am evil. I did this”. Investigators found the notes in her one-star Care.com profile.

“The night is darkest before the dawn. And I will rise yet again” said New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers, who will miss the entire NFL season with a torn Achilles tendon, but who apparently plans to spend the year as Batman.

Viral video shows a 14-foot alligator swimming toward a Girl Scout troop in a Texas lake. All but one of the girls received ‘Avoiding Alligators In A Lake’ merit badges.

A judge ruled that Fulton County D.A. Fani Willis cannot try Donald Trump and 16 co-defendants together in their election fraud trial. Apparently the AirBnb they booked for an October trial limits groups to 6 or less.

U.S. airlines are reportedly planning to slash travel prices this autumn – but they’re also planning to triple cancellations, so it all ought to balance out for them.

An iPhone was reportedly hidden to take images in the first-class bathroom of an American Airlines flight used by a family, including a 14-year-old girl. The family is suing the airline, and is also angry that American was selling the photos to exiting passengers like they do at roller coasters.

A Florida high school principal said she was forced out after an in-school assembly on improving academic performance that only included black students. She disputed the allegation, saying the assembly focused on improving the football and basketball teams.

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Fairfax, Virginia schools changed a grading policy for students who fail to turn in assignments, changing the lowest possible grade from 50% to 0. Philadelphia City Schools are considering a similar change, since several Philly schools have dropouts who are in the running for senior class Valedictorian.

Fugitive murderer Danelo Cavalcante was captured in the woods of a Philadelphia suburb while wearing a Philadelphia Eagles jersey. “Maybe he isn’t such a bad guy after all” say Philadelphians.

Cavalcante was discovered after he was located beneath a wood pile and bitten by a State Police scent-tracking dog. The $25,000 reward for his capture will now be issued in Pupperoni.

House Speaker Mark Meadows said he’ll open an impeachment investigation in to Joe Biden’s alleged corruption involving son Hunter’s businesses. But for now the impeachment score remains 2-0.

Congresswoman Lauren Boebert was kicked out of ‘Beetlejuice: The Musical‘ for vaping and causing a disturbance. When she first refused to leave, police said ‘Bobo’ three times on the sidewalk in front of the theater and she appeared there.

HGTV sold The Brady Bunch house to Tina Trahan, wife of a TV executive, for $3.2 million. Trahan then tried to cancel the purchase, saying something suddenly came up.

Brady Bunch star Eve ‘Jan’ Plumb plans to auction off memorabilia from her time on the show, including a “fun” gift from her onscreen Dad, Robert ‘Mike Brady’ Reed…that is, if you consider a positive HIV test a “fun gift”.

N’Sync reunited for the first time in 10 years at the MTV Video Music Awards. Now it’s time to say Bye Bye Bye to Fatone, Kirkpatrick, Chasez & Bass for another decade.

Apple announced that its iPhone 15 will adopt the USB-C charging standard, but assured loyal customers that official Apple charger cords will continue the company’s tradition of fraying and breaking in a month and a half.

A $33,000-per-passenger cruise ship ran aground in Greenland and could be stuck there for days. “Well, well, well, norovirus and imitation crab legs doesn’t sound so bad NOW, does it?” said a Carnival Cruise Lines spokesperson.

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Today is September 12th – the day after the National Day of Remembrance – the day where it’s officially OK To Forget for another 364 days.

Demi Lovato was revealed as Anonymouse on the season premiere of The Masked Singer. Judges quickly guessed her identity after she sang, and after she told judges she identified as a non-binary rodent.

Escaped fugitive Danelo Cavalcante reportedly was uninjured after a homeowner shot at him during a break-in and burglary where he stole a .22-caliber shotgun. The homeowner is hoping he returns so Cavalcante can show him how to improve his accuracy.

McDonald’s is phasing out self-serve soda stations, citing fewer dine-in customers and food safety concerns after several customers suffered Dr. Pepper overdoses.

North Korea President Kim Jong Un arrived in Russia via his armored train – The Little Engine That Could Sell Ballistic Weapons to Vladimir Putin.

Jamie Lynn Spears joined this season’s celebrity competitors on Dancing With The Stars. Meanwhile, older sister Britney will continue posting Instagram videos on Dancing With Handfuls Of Prescription Drugs.

Reports of host Jimmy Fallon’s toxic behavior on The Tonight Show have spurred a ‘Bring Back Conan’ (O’Brien)’ movement from social media users citing his kind behavior. When O’Brien inevitably refuses, the movement is expected to shift to ‘Bring Back Anyone But Jay Leno’.

A dog is recovering at a veterinary facility after being rescued from an on-ramp construction area of Interstate 95 in Philadelphia. The dog was injured after flipping off several motorists who wouldn’t let her merge.

Susanna Gibson, Democrat candidate running for Virginia’s House of Delegates, reportedly streamed sex with her husband on porn site Chaturbate. She’s trailing her Republican rival in a recent poll, but is in front of her husband’s pole in the videos.

A male New Jersey high school teacher who resigned after posting nude photos of a female student on a ‘revenge porn’ website accepted a new teaching job in a different district. In New Jersey’s public school system, you take whoever you can get.

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A Southern California school district will pay $2.25 million to a male student who impregnated his teacher when he was 14, settling his sexual abuse claim. He’s unsure whether he’ll use the money for college, or to buy a house so his teacher can move in after she’s paroled.

Fugitive murderer Danelo Cavalcante has been on the run in the Philadelphia suburbs for two weeks, and reportedly stole a white van with a refrigeration unit. Neighborhood kids are warned not to approach the unmarked ice cream truck playing ‘La Bamba‘ and the ‘Narcos‘ theme.

Eric Trump & Donald Trump Jr. are holding a fundraising dinner at Mar-a-Lago to help pay the legal bills of his co-conspirators in the Georgia election fraud case. It was to be held at Golden Corral, but Eric & Don Jr were banned for repeatedly sticking their hands in the chocolate fountain.

Elon Musk took to X to say his brain implant company, Neuralink, has never caused the death of a monkey with a chip in its brain, saying they only chose terminally ill monkeys. However, he won’t say what the terminal monkeys were instructed to do, or why they were given guns and plane tickets to Ukraine.

An alleged shooter in a Northeast Philadelphia bar fight fled the scene, but then returned there to surrender. And close out his tab. And get one last $3 well drink.

A shooting at a Vineland, New Jersey hospital was determined to be self-inflicted. The resident doctor said he needed the practice for dealing with bullet wounds.

Jelly-maker Smuckers is acquiring Twinkie-maker Hostess for $5.6 billion, in an aggressive attempt to steal market share in the Empty Calories category.

Google is raising subscription prices for its Nest video security products – making it 33% more expensive to determine whose dog is pooping on your lawn.

A British mother is furious that her daughters’ school policy against branded apparel means they can’t wear their Vivienne Westwood shoes. She’s also furious that they have to walk a half-mile from the helipad where they’re dropped off in the morning.

The ‘Halloween‘ house where Jamie Lee Curtis’ Laurie Strode character lived is up for sale in Los Angeles. The realtor says stabbings are no longer a problem, but that the property has been upgraded with bars and bulletproof windows.

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Surveillance video shows escaped murderer Danelo Cavalcante crab-walking up the wall in an exterior prison walkway to get to the roof. The manhunt continues to capture and return him to prison so he can lead total-body fitness classes.

The Pennsylvania State Police announced Operation Nighthawk – roving DUI enforcement patrols across the state during the weekend of September 9th. So drive sober or, if you’re a drunk driver who likes a challenge, get on out there.

Pregnant Kourtney Kardashian, speaking after a brief hospitalization, discussed her “urgent fetal surgery”. She announced that the first episode of her new reality series, Pregnant Kourtney Kardashian, will be titled ‘Urgent Fetal Surgery’.

Following the Supreme Court’s reversal of Roe v Wade, a new study shows states that have experienced a large increase in abortion services. Abortions in New Mexico increased 220%, as women seek to terminate their pregnancy and tour Carlsbad Caverns.

The Rolling Stones will release Hackney Diamonds – their first album of new music in 18 years – on October 20th. The album features contributions from Lady Gaga, Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder, and whoever is donating plasma to Keith Richards.

Google’s Chrome browser turns 15 today. Executives marked the occasion with a party featuring strippers and other adult entertainers they found while in Incognito Mode.

Pepsi-owned Gatorade is introducing Gatorade Water – an electrolyte-infused water. Not to be outdone, Coca-Cola-owned Dasani is planning to introduce a new product that actually tastes like water.

Some illegal U.S. immigrants employed by disaster-relief companies are refusing to go to Florida to help with hurricane recovery efforts. They blame Governor DeSantis’ legislation requiring undocumented workers to be deported or – worse – forced to stay in Florida.

A bombshell Rolling Stone report called The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon a ‘toxic workplace’, saying four former writers experienced “suicidal ideation”. NBC defended their workplace, saying there’s nothing unique about wanting to kill yourself if you watch enough of Jimmy Fallon.

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick broke up with his longtime girlfriend, Linda Holliday. Belichick is expected to remain single through the regular season, then scout new prospects at the 2024 MILF & Cougar Combine.