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Kelly Clarkson will take the injured Simon Cowell’s place as a judge on ‘America’s Got Talent’, just as soon as she can complete a**hole training.

Stein Mart is declaring bankruptcy and plans to close most of its brick-&-mortar stores. The ones that remain open will reuse inventory from dead stores as Franken Stein Mart.

Navigation app Waze added railroad crossing warnings – along with recommendations of how long you need to floor it to beat the train.

There are now a record 13,000 vacant apartments in Manhattan – meaning Wall Street investment bankers will have an even harder time telling their mistresses they can’t find them their own place.

A new biography of Prince Harry & Meghan Markle claims Markle skipped Pippa Middleton’s wedding because she thought it would turn into a spectacle ‘over who had the best butt.’ Prince Charles attended anyway, despite being the biggest ass in the U.K.

The Harvard Business Review published a new article “21 Human Resources Jobs Of The Future”. 20 of them are planning Zoom office birthday parties, and the other one is firing people.

Scientists discovered sharks living in an active underwater volcano in the Solomon Islands. They’re believed to be there collaborating on a script for SharkCano.

Illusionist David Blaine will broadcast his next stunt via YouTube on August 31st – flying above New York City holding helium balloons. New York area sporting goods stores are selling out of bows & arrows.

A missing 3-year-old Wisconsin toddler was found alive after getting lost in woods for 24 hours after following the family’s dog. The child was treated for minor injures, and the dog just wants to be left alone for a while.

The NBA issued a memo to its players still living inside the Orlando ‘bubble’, saying non-family visitors must have “longstanding relationships” with players to be allowed in. So, Khloe Kardashian & Kendall Jenner can each visit about a dozen different guys.

 

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Police in Oklahoma pulled over a woman driving a car with a tire missing and a full margarita in her cup holder. Police told her that they could see her rim, and she told them it has salt on it.

Facebook plans to implement a Content Oversight Board to review material posted there. Board members must like kittens and be able to read & speak Russian.

Burger King is partnering with Impossible Foods to offer a new version of its Whopper made with plant protein containing no meat. They plan to introduce it with an original Whopper ad slogan – it takes two hands to toss the Veggie Whopper in the garbage.

Carly Rae Jepsen will release her fourth album, ‘Dedicated’, next month. “Buy it, maybe” said Jepsen, reminding everyone who she is.

A second female is accusing former VP Joe Biden of inappropriate behavior, saying he leaned in to rub her nose against his. When Biden’s nose touched hers, the golden retriever puppy ran away.

Magician David Blaine is being investigated by the NYPD following claims of sexual assault. Police issued a search warrant to Blaine, seeking to find the bottom halves of the women.

The Global Drug Survey – conducted with 22,000 respondents worldwide – reveals people in Britain are most likely to combine sex and drugs. Anything to avoid British food.

Gmail added a message scheduling feature. So, go ahead and write that email firing people and schedule it to send at 4:45p.m.. on the Friday before your two-week vacation.

A California couple found a hidden camera disguised as a smoke detector above the bed in the Airbnb they’d rented. They discovered it when the speaker on the smoke detector told them to stop smoking because it was tough to see them having sex.

Jared Kushner said that ex-felons in Florida – now eligible to vote – are part of ‘the new coalition that President Trump is building’. By ‘coalition’ it’s presumed that Kushner means ‘staff’, either at the White House or Mar-A-Lago.

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Maryjane Behforouz, 48, of Indianapolis, needed the help of a Harvard Medical School professor to solve the mystery of a “crunching noise” in her head that persisted for over a year. The professor, Dr Konstantina Stankovic, discovered a small broken bone in the ear was compounding behavioral issues, which she termed ‘Funyunitis.’

A jury found former Trump presidential campaign manager Paul Manafort guilty on 8 of 18 counts of bank fraud and tax evasion. His lawyers are expected to plead for leniency at sentencing, and to plead with Manafort not to wear the ostrich skin jacket when they do.

Portland-based artist Michael Schneider posted a series of photos to Twitter of getting engaged to a “boyfriend” constructed of wine boxes.  Every gay man in love should be so lucky as to have a partner with eight spouts.

Comedian Kathy Griffin posted a video of herself dancing topless to celebrate the Paul Manafort guilty verdicts, and Trump lawyer Michael Cohen’s plea deal. It’s every bit as hard to watch as her other stand up.

Barnum’s Animals animal cracker boxes now depict the elephants, lions and giraffes as cage free – although children are horrified at the images of lions killing giraffes.

Ben Affleck was photographed receiving a delivery of Johnnie Walker blue-label scotch at his home Monday, where his new Playboy playmate whiskey-loving girlfriend Shauna Sexton had spent the night. “Leave the bottle” said Sexton, as she set about forgetting the two hours she’d spent watching Justice League.

Olive Garden is bringing back its Never Ending Pasta Pass, where, for $100, holders get eight weeks of unlimited pasta. To ensure prompt seating, Pasta Pass holders will also get the table buzzer surgically attached to their body.

Ricardo Benitez, 4′ 2″ 100-pound wide receiver who was born without femurs, will be a walk-on tryout for the Baylor University football team. Benitez has a GoFundMe to raise $20,000 to attend the school, and for a special helmet to protect his from concussions when his head collides with opponents’ belt buckles.

Illusionist David Blaine is rumored to be dating supermodel Naomi Campbell. “And now, please welcome my lovely assistant who will make my penis…disappear!” Blaine said.

Former NBA star Lamar Odom said that he suffered 12 strokes and 6 heart attacks as he lay in a coma following a drug overdose — just 6 heart attacks away from a double-double.

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President Trump met with Puerto Rico’s governor, and said that he would rate the U.S.’ disaster relief response “a 10”; the governor replied that the death toll was already 48.

For the second straight year, the PNC Milwaukee Marathon miscalculated the official 26.2 mile distance, shorting it by eight-tenths of a mile. Race officials are contemplating giving full $75 refunds of the $80 race fee paid by entrants.

Playboy has named Ines Rau Miss November 2017, the magazine’s first-ever transgender playmate. The centerfold will open backwards.

Blac Chyna sued the Kardashian Family for defamation and slut-shaming; a Kardashian attorney replied, saying this is a case of the pot calling the kettle Blac.

The FAA is considering banning large electronic devices from checked luggage, citing concerns about devices overheating and causing fires, and several cases of Japanese travelers’ sex robots freezing to death in the cargo hold.

Researchers writing in Nature Communications studied the rapid breakdown of glucose to fuel cancerous tumor growth – known as the Warburg Effect – establishing a clearer connection between sugar and cancer. Next up, the researchers intend to study what’s known as the McFlurry Effect.

Twitter users are criticizing a Business Insider study that claims Chick-Fil-A was the most popular fast food restaurant in 39 states, based solely on Foursquare check-ins. The survey was seen as most damaging to customers of Popeye’s Chicken, many of whom thought Foursquare was a value meal.

President Trump continued his battle with the NFL by starting an “I Stand For the Anthem” petition on a GOP website. Republican officials marveled at the number of signatures, and expressed surprise at the number of U.S. Citizens named F*ckYou.

Illusionist David Blaine has publicly denied rape allegations made by model Natasha Prince, claiming that at the time of the incident, he was simultaneously in several other countries!

The Philippines Department of Labor issued a new regulation requiring that office workers must be given breaks every two hours to stand and walk. Filipina hookers must be allowed breaks to sit every two hours.

The Orionid Meteor Showers will peak tonight – good thing, since NASA scientists claim that Mars is getting pretty smelly.