Police officers in Pennsylvania used Narcan to save the same man who overdosed 3 times in 72 hours. Cops were left with no choice but to arrest the manager of the donut shop for dealing heroin.

South Carolina Republicans failed in their effort to enact a ban on abortion that begins at the moment of fertilization. They’ll regroup and attempt to ban abortion at the moment of ‘U Up?’ text.

Shares of gun maker Smith & Wesson dropped as the company cites a decline in demand. They’re considering lower prices to get the stock to shoot back up again.

The Vietnamese government arrested a famous noodle vendor, Bui Tuan Lam, for “anti-state” activity criticizing the ruling Communist party and uslurping their authority.

Queen Elizabeth died at her summer home in Balmoral Castle. Her alleged pedophile son Prince Andrew is in mourning at his summer home, Bal-Immoral Castle.

King Charles II arrived at Buckingham Palace after visiting Balmoral Castle to make sure his mother was really dead.

Charles’ & the late Princess Diana’s son, Prince William, is now next in line for the throne, despite his visibly receding heir line.

After losing the first set of her US Open semifinal, top seed Iga Swiatek credited feeling “lighter” following a bathroom break for her three-set win, rallying back from deuce.

Two animal rights activists ran onto the field with pink smoke flares during Thursday’s NFL Kickoff game between the Buffalo Bills & Los Angeles Rams. They protested animal cruelty in the form of broken limbs and concussions suffered by Bears, Bengals, Dolphins, etc…

Kris Jenner passed a lie detector test on The Late Late Show With James Corden when denying she helped daughter Kim Kardashian release her infamous sex tape. She also passed when asked if she convinced son Rob Kardashian no one wanted to see him have sex.

Microsoft will pay travel expenses for employees who want an abortion. Because of pregnant Microsoft employees traveling from Texas, it’s almost impossible to get an appointment at Planned Parenthood of Kauai.

Disgraced celebrity chef Mario Batali was found not guilty of sexual misconduct for groping a woman who asked for a picture with him. He was, however, found guilty on a lesser charge of a-salting his osso buco too much.

Elon Musk said he would reinstate Donald Trump’s Twitter account if he acquires the company. Truth Social CEO Devin Nunes asked him to reconsider.

Concerns over the health of Queen Elizabeth were heightened as Prince Charles gave the Queen’s annual speech to Parliament. Afterward, Charles said the hardest part was fitting in her dress and shoes.

Actor James Cromwell superglued his hand to a Starbucks counter to protest the company charging more for plant-based milk. Employees said he wasn’t exactly a big tipper with his free hand.

The county sheriff of Evansville, Indiana said he couldn’t believe that fugitive murderer Casey White and corrections officer Vicky White stayed for nearly a week in Evansville. His sentiment was echoed by everyone who lives in Evansville.

A new Pew Research study claims few Americans take an “absolutist view” on abortion, with one exception being 17-year-old boys whose condoms break on prom night.

A passenger with “no idea how to fly an airplane” safely landed a Cessna after the pilot became ill and air traffic controllers talked him through it. The passenger spent the next day interviewing for a job with Frontier Airlines.

Viral video shows two beachfront homes in North Carolina’s Outer Banks collapsing into the ocean. Updated Airbnb descriptions now list the two properties as houseboats.

A woman gave birth to a baby during a Metallica concert in Brazil. Meanwhile, six different women got pregnant during a Kid Rock concert in Tennessee.

Kelly Clarkson will take the injured Simon Cowell’s place as a judge on ‘America’s Got Talent’, just as soon as she can complete a**hole training.

Stein Mart is declaring bankruptcy and plans to close most of its brick-&-mortar stores. The ones that remain open will reuse inventory from dead stores as Franken Stein Mart.

Navigation app Waze added railroad crossing warnings – along with recommendations of how long you need to floor it to beat the train.

There are now a record 13,000 vacant apartments in Manhattan – meaning Wall Street investment bankers will have an even harder time telling their mistresses they can’t find them their own place.

A new biography of Prince Harry & Meghan Markle claims Markle skipped Pippa Middleton’s wedding because she thought it would turn into a spectacle ‘over who had the best butt.’ Prince Charles attended anyway, despite being the biggest ass in the U.K.

The Harvard Business Review published a new article “21 Human Resources Jobs Of The Future”. 20 of them are planning Zoom office birthday parties, and the other one is firing people.

Scientists discovered sharks living in an active underwater volcano in the Solomon Islands. They’re believed to be there collaborating on a script for SharkCano.

Illusionist David Blaine will broadcast his next stunt via YouTube on August 31st – flying above New York City holding helium balloons. New York area sporting goods stores are selling out of bows & arrows.

A missing 3-year-old Wisconsin toddler was found alive after getting lost in woods for 24 hours after following the family’s dog. The child was treated for minor injures, and the dog just wants to be left alone for a while.

The NBA issued a memo to its players still living inside the Orlando ‘bubble’, saying non-family visitors must have “longstanding relationships” with players to be allowed in. So, Khloe Kardashian & Kendall Jenner can each visit about a dozen different guys.