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Taylor Swift did not attend the game between Travis Kelce’s Kansas City Chiefs and the Minnesota Vikings – leading to Kelce’s mother complaining about having to sit and watch another NFL game with “a bunch of f***ing nobodies”.

Philadelphia police arrested a man for trafficking hundreds of grams of fentanyl and heroin. He planned to make one big score in Philly before opening a day care in New York City.

Pharmacists at CVS & Walgreens are going on strike in some areas, saying they’re overworked and understaffed because vaccines have been added to their regular prescription duties. The companies are considering hiring junkies to teach citizens how to give shots to themselves .

For the first time in more than three years, student loan borrowers are required to resume making payments, costing their disappointed parents about $5.8 billion per month.

Harvard professor Claudia Goldin won the Nobel Prize in Economics for her research into women’s employment and income – surprising other nominees, since she isn’t particularly one of the hotter-looking women in the office.

The largest Hindu temple in the world outside of India opened in Robbinsville, New Jersey. Millions of worshippers will make what’s now called ‘The Holy Pilgrimage To Exit 5B’.

NFL insiders are questioning the future of New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick after they were routed at home 34-0 by the New Orleans Saints. Team owner Robert Kraft called an emergency session, with all massage therapists hands on deck.

A Long Island school bus driver fired after drinking on the job claimed not to know that White Claw contained alcohol. “Neither did we!” said less-than-credible 17-year-olds also caught drinking on the school bus.

A Louisiana high school honor student had her scholarship recommendation revoked and was removed as student council president after a video showed her twerking at a party. The girl, who is white, also stunned her black classmates by somehow twerking to ‘God Bless the USA’.

1,000 birds died flying in to the same glass building in Chicago. The ones that survived were lying on the ground cursing at Google Maps.

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Actor Thomas Middleditch is accused of unwanted sexual behavior at the members-only Cloak & Dagger goth club in Los Angeles. Identifying him was challenging because it’s, like, really really reeeeeally dark in there.

A National Guard convoy carrying COVID-19 vaccines in Texas was ambushed by a 65-year-old man with a gun. “Stop them shots or I’ll shoot, varmints!” yelled Yosemite Sam, Anti-Vaxxer.

A Serbian model claims she was offered over $50,000 to seduce married tennis champion Novak Djokovic as part of an extortion plot. She hasn’t identified the men behind the plot, but if she does, they face racketeering charges.

A Philadelphis woman was apprehended after she shot a man and stole his vehicle, part of National Gender Equity in Carjacking Month.

YouTube relationship expert Derrick Jaxn admitted to cheating on his wife of four years. As for his behavior, his wife neither Liked or Subscribed to it.

Houston Texans QB Deshaun Watson now faces 16 lawsuits for inappropriate sexual behavior. Multiple lawyers have now joined three NFL teams attempting to work out a deal for Deshaun Watson.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel dropped plans for a five-day national shutdown over the Easter holiday, following critical remarks from the ruthless, yet highly efficient, German Easter Bunny.

Amazon delivery drivers must agree to be watched by surveillance cameras as part of their jobs. Some say it’s an invasion of privacy, Amazon said cameras ensure safety, and give feedback on how drivers can have better sex with lonely housewives.

A daycare worker used a Sharpie to write “I’m Out Of Diapers” on a baby’s belly before sending the child home. Later, the baby’s mom flipped him over and found “Final Notice: Out of Diapers” written on his buttocks.

Nokia plans to build a 4G LTE wireless network on the moon – to be followed by a Boost Mobile store for astronauts with so-so credit scores.