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A longtime Walmart employee used the store loudspeaker to “sign off” on her last day before leaving for a different job. The store manager then grabbed the mic and signed off five of her coworkers for going two minutes long on their cigarette break.

Tiffany Haddish explained after her second DUI that the Tesla she was driving had self-parked, but was still blocking part of the street. Officers then lifted the hood and discovered the car’s battery soaked in vodka.

Meta is being sued for knowingly collecting the personal information of children under age 13 after they signed up for Instagram in violation of age restrictions. The kids were then bombarded with targeted ads for tricycles & lollipops.

Patients suffering with ‘long COVID’ experience structural changes to their brain – according to data collected from the microchip in the vaccines they received.

A passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight opened the over-wing emergency exit and jumped out while the jet was at its departure gate. He thought sitting in the exit row required him to demonstrate what to do in the event of an emergency landing.

Hospitals in China are at full capacity with patients due to a nationwide surge in respiratory viruses. Chinese health officials say the illnesses are from existing viruses, because Wuhan lab workers haven’t finished making the new viruses yet.

A Florida pest control worker was arrested after allegedly exposing himself to two female customers. The customers say the roaches are gone, but now they have a cock problem.

A new iPhone feature allows personal information, photos & videos to be shared when two users tap their phones together. It’s called NameDrop, or, if you swipe a phone to share nudes with a stranger, BallDrop or BoobDrop.

Congressman George Santos faces a vote to expel him from Congress, but during his hearing he produced 50 huge sacks of letters from children saying they still believed in him, in Miracle On Constitution Avenue.

A driver in Malaysia knocked a baby elephant over with his car, causing five adult elephants to stomp on the car in retaliation. The baby elephant got up and walked away, and the driver’s insurance claim has been denied three times by The General.

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La La Anthony filed for divorce from her husband, NBA star Carmelo Anthony. She’s expected to receive a Lot Lot of Al Al Alimony.

An Israeli study finds unhappy marriages lead to premature death of husbands. That, and wives learn to shoot guns during their required time in the Israeli Army. [Story h/t to J.O.!]

Las Vegas Raiders defensive tackle Carl Nassib became the first active NFL player to come out as gay. His announcement is expected to inspire a lot of embarrassing NFL tryouts from other gay guys.

An elephant crashed into the kitchen of a house in Thailand looking for food. Disappointed, the elephant sat down and called Grubhub.

Khloe Kardashian said that she’s “done” and will not get back together with baby daddy Tristan Thompson ever again, adding there are other fish in the NBA.

A man fell 500 feet to his death from the summit of California’s Mount Russell in the Sequoia National Park, and a woman fell 30 feet and was injured while trying to grab him. “I’mma wait here” said the third person in their hiking party.

The Trump Organization is suing after New York City terminated a contract with them to manage the Ferry Point golf links in the Bronx. Golfers are also disappointed, because Trump scorekeepers gave every player the course record.

One of the deadliest plants in the U.S. – poison hemlock – is now blossoming in Ohio and parts of Pennsylvania. Children in Ohio and Pennsylvania are busily convincing parents that broccoli is, in fact, poison hemlock.

The PA Ballet officially changed its name to the Philadelphia Ballet. To celebrate their new identity, they’ll kick off the summer season performing Swan Lake With Handguns.

Officials at Cape Cod beaches say there’s a lifeguard shortage, so swimmers may have to “swim at their own risk”. They also say not to be fooled by sharks spinning a whistle in their fin.

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Researchers created special light waves that can penetrate opaque materials. They plan to use it to see through coworkers clothes and underwear.

Hester Ford, recognized as the oldest living American at 116 years old, passed away in her hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina. The title of oldest American now goes to Thelma Sutcliffe, 115, of Nebraska, who also just died.

Vandals threw a pig’s head at the home of a retired police officer who testified in Derek Chauvin’s defense, but it turns out the man no longer lives there. The vandals asked if they could get their pig head back along with directions to his new place.

Demi Lovato criticized a frozen yogurt shop for displaying sugar-free items, saying it was “triggering” to her eating disorder. Lovato then had a nervous breakdown walking through the soda aisle of a grocery store.

Facebook now allows users to export posts to Blogger & WordPress.com – so that user’s thoughts and ideas can be ignored on multiple sites.

A suspected rhino poacher was killed in an elephant stampede at a national park in South Africa. The elephants were disappointed in park rangers efforts to stop the poachers, so they put their foot down.

Model Ireland Baldwin showed off her new butt tattoo in a bikini photo shoot. The tattoo is actually on her arm, but it’s a picture of her father Alec.

6 people were wounded in a mass shooting at a child’s birthday party in Louisiana. After treatment at a nearby hospital, the clown promised to improve his act.

TSA agents at Houston’s Hobby Airport found crystal meth in a breakfast burrito. The passenger was arrested, but to stay competitive, the Houston airport McDonald’s introduced the Meth McMuffin.

The dead body of a man infected with COVID-19 washed ashore in the island nation of Vanuatu, leaving local officials concerned about how they’ll conduct contact tracing with sea turtles.