Lava from the Mauna Loa volcano eruption threatens to take out the main highway running through Hawai’i’s Big Island. Officials have so far refused the suggestion from the Hawai’i Republican Committee to stop it by building a wall.

Prince William’s godmother, Royal Aide Lady Susan Hussey, resigned from official duties at Buckingham Palace after racist questions directed toward a black visitor. It’s the end of a storied career for a shameless Hussey.

The Bidens’ first White House state dinner, honoring France’s Emmanuel Macron, will feature a menu of poached lobster or beef with shallot marmalade – the latter made from Whoppers & Big Macs frozen after the last White House state dinner.

In a People magazine interview marking the 30th anniversary of Home Alone 2, actor Joe Pesci said he suffered serious burns when his burglar character’s head was set on fire. He added that Macaulay Culkin had no sympathy, telling him to get his shine box and get back to work.

ABC Good Morning America co-anchors Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes each left their spouses after rumors surfaced of a months-long affair. Their Good Mornings were allegedly followed by Great Afternoons.

China is set to loosen COVID restrictions following a week of citizen protests, and the Chinese government’s grudging admission that COVID can’t be beaten out of people.

A bloody brawl broke out between fans at the Colorado Avalanche/Winnipeg Jets NHL game in Winnipeg Wednesday night, resulting in two arrests, and three tryout contracts for the fighters.

A Texas attorney was arrested after firing a handgun at his ex-girlfriend in the bar where she worked. He was released after posting $40,000 bond, which was a very light bail for attempted murder, but still pretty expensive for a few shots.

A Puyallup, Washington barber was shot while cutting an 8-year-old’s hair – apparently the 10-year-old who’d just gotten their haircut wasn’t happy with the results.

In Florida, the CEO of an engineering company was arrested in a motel for attacking his girlfriend with her sex toy, bruising her torso. However the girlfriend said the injury happened before the fight, because the guy is really bad at using sex toys.

Actor Dustin Diamond – ‘Screech’ – said his ‘Saved By The Bell’ character should be included in the show’s current reboot. Since he’s already trashed every costar from the original show and made a video of himself naked,  it would be just like high school.

The Dow Jones Industrial average cratered 900 points at the open on Monday, reflecting concerns about the COVID-19 virus on the global economy. In other news, Princess Cruise Lines announced rock-bottom rates on their Going Out Of Business Voyage.

A 62-year-old former Marine broke the Guinness World Record by holding a plank position for 8 hours, 15 minutes and 15 seconds. He was awarded a medal, then a hazmat team burned his shorts and workout mat.

Donald Trump visited India, where he was welcomed at a gala event, then chased out of it for sneaking in and eating sacred Big Macs.

A woman claims she performed oral sex on Cleveland Browns QB Baker Mayfield in a Cheesecake Factory parking lot. Mayfield decided on the sex act after spending 15 minutes looking through her 25-page menu.

Iconic mascot Phillie Phanatic debuted a new look on Sunday – sporting bushier, bluer eyebrows, a blue tail and new sneakers. The team denied the Phanatic received Photox.

A consumer group has 45,000 signatures on a petition demanding that airlines sit families with small children together without paying for seat assignments. Airlines are considering it, but may need to make up lost revenue with ‘crying baby fines’.

California police are investigating a man who drove a Jeep off of a six-story parking garage and crashed it into a neighboring McDonald’s – creating the first-ever “fly thru” window.

A 20-year-old woman and her boyfriend are accused of killing three of their roommates in an argument over rent. A fourth roommate reportedly escaped before they started discussing the cable bill.

Marvel is rumored to be taking over longtime rival DC Comics, after DC parent company AT&T/Warner Bros. objected to a planned fifth-generation “5G” reboot of classic characters. Specifically, a comic where Bruce Wayne switches all of the Wayne Manor & Batcave phones to Verizon 5G.

 

A former executive at Juul claims the company knowingly shipped one million contaminated mint-flavored vape pods. Juul called the accusation baseless, and that the pods were clearly labeled emphysemamint.

The ISIS spy who gave U.S. forces information on the location of Abu Bakr Al-Bagdadi was an insider.  ISIS is demanding to know the identity of the flute-blower.

President Trump will invite Conan – the U.S. Special Forces canine injured in the Al Baghdadi raid – to the White House. The dog will get to choose between Big Macs, Whoppers or Snausages.

The Washington Nationals won the World Series. No word on an invitation to the White House, but most players have already said it’s kind of out of their way.

The Arena Football League has ceased operations. Players are cleaning out team and league offices which, ironically, pays better than playing in the Arena Football League.

Fast-food restaurants were graded for their overuse – or lack of it – of antibiotics in beef. Chipotle received the only A. Burger King, Sonic and Applebees received Fs – as did Starbucks, who said nobody’s really buying their Prime Rib Capuccino anyway.

United Airlines is debuting a new Star Wars-themed plane in honor of the new film Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Overbooked passengers who refuse to give up their seat can be dragged off the plane by a service droid.

A California middle school apologized for mistakenly printing a sex hotline number instead of a suicide prevention number on student IDs. Although many students admitted the person they called gave them a new reason to live.

Michael Lohan said daughter Lindsay Lohan’s relationship with Saudi crown prince Mohammad bin Salman is “platonic and respectful”, adding that bin Salman has not once contemplated having Lindsay interrogated and dismembered by staffers.

A life-sized Godzilla attraction is opening at a Japanese amusement park. While visitors expressed excitement at seeing Godzilla, they’re disappointed at the roller coasters being repeatedly shut down after Godzilla steps on them.

 

The Producers Guild of America approved guidelines for combating sexual harassment in the entertainment industry. The guidelines ask that each production be vigilant in preventing harassment, that whistleblowers be protected, and that producers keep their whistles in their pants.

Delta Airlines says they’re cracking down on passengers’ emotional support animals; this, following a mid-flight argument between a flight attendant and a pug who wanted the whole can of Alpo.

  • United Airlines says they’re also cracking down on animal companions; only by ‘cracking down’ United means they’re breaking the animal in to pieces and sending it on to baggage claim with no further explanation.

Cape Town could be the first major city in the world to run out of water. Residents must limit their showers to one-and-a-half minutes. “No problem!” said Cape Town men who like to have sex in the shower.

Singer Ed Sheeran announced that he was secretly engaged. Fiancee Cherry Seaborn announced that she secretly called it off.

Former ‘Jersey Shore’ star Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino arrived in a New Jersey court to plead guilty to tax evasion. He’ll film a ‘Jersey Shore’ reunion before returning to court as Mike ‘Five Years In The Joint’ Sorrentino.

Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West named their new baby daughter ‘Chicago’ — leaving pregnant sisters Kylie and Khloe to duke it out between ‘Detroit’ and ‘Cleveland’.

Baltimore Mayor Catherine Pugh fired the crime-ridden city’s Police Commissioner Kevin Davis. Davis was reportedly given just a few minutes at his office to clean out his unregistered guns and bribes.

A new Boston University study concludes that chronic brain disease CTE isn’t caused by concussions, but rather by repeated hits to the head, even without concussion. The study authors warn parents to be vigilant looking for CTE symptoms in children who are athletes, or frequent noogie recipients.

President Trump, addressing the ‘March for Life’ event, called on the U.S. Senate to outlaw abortions after 20 weeks.  “Sure, if that includes your term” said Democratic Senators, in what observers of burns are calling ‘a layup’.

Congress was unable to avert a U.S. Government Shutdown. Callers to the White House received this voice message: “”Unfortunately, we cannot answer your call today because Congressional Democrats are holding govt. funding, including funding for our troops and other national security priorities, hostage to an unrelated immigration debate. Oh, and if this is Grubhub ask the guards to take the Big Macs inside.”