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Health officials warned customers to avoid purchasing food items at Family Dollar after 1,000 rodents were found in a Family Dollar distribution center. Despite this, long lines of cats could be seen outside stores holding dollar bills.

A singing group sued NBC and a pairs figure skating team for illegally using their song during their performance at the Winter Olympics. The pair failed to medal after standing in place on their skates doing the Macarena.

A former Louisiana school teacher was found guilty of multiple sex crimes, including serving students cupcakes made with her husband’s semen. Multiple students were rushed to area hospitals because of their nut allergies.

Pepsi will no longer sponsor the Super Bowl halftime show, citing the $50 million dollar cost, and the possibility that the NFL will pick Imagine Dragons next year.

‘The Batman’ actor Paul Dano claimed he had difficulty sleeping at night because of his portrayal of the “terrifying” Riddler in the film. Meanwhile, actress Zoe Kravitz said she slept 16 hours a day playing Catwoman.

Queen Elizabeth has COVID, but says she’ll continue “light duties” at Windsor Castle. Which begs the question of what, exactly, are the “hard duties” of the Queen?

New Mexico is asking the National Guard to work as substitute teachers during a labor shortage caused by the pandemic. School nurses set up triage tents for students whose spitwads were returned with gunfire.

American bald eagles may once again be classified as endangered, since many tested positive for lead poisoning. The National Wildlife Service is telling bald eagle parents to stop building nests with old paint chips.

Winter Park, Colorado police shot and killed the bride’s uncle at her wedding reception, after he became drunk and fought with guests and responding officers. Investigators said the uncle’s intoxication was even more surprising because it was a cash bar.

Finnish cross-country skier Remi Lindholm suffered a frozen penis during his 60km event at the Winter Olympics. He placed 28th in the 60-man event, six inches ahead of the 29th-place finisher.

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Gayle King interviewed R. Kelly for CBS, the same week her friend Oprah Winfrey interviewed men who allege sexual abuse by Michael Jackson. The phrase “girrll pleeeease” is expected to be said several times when King & Winfrey meet up.

A North Carolina artist reimagined Disney Princesses as modern-day adults with careers. For instance, Mulan is a Title IX lawyer, Sleeping Beauty is a coffee company CEO, and Ariel is a pop star/record producer navigating the sexist music industry where men want to play her scales.

An anonymous winner claimed the largest U.S. lottery prize in history, an $878 million Mega Millions jackpot. As a resident of South Carolina, the winner plans to invest the funds in the world’s largest backyard above-ground pool and trampoline.

President Trump called Jay Barrett of West Haven, Connecticut, a Trump supporter reportedly on his death bed, who wanted to talk to the President before he died. The White House was praised for its response, and for its savvy filtering out dying citizens who also want to speak to Trump to tell him to f**k off once before they go.

Forbes Magazine declared cosmetics mogul Kylie Jenner the youngest-ever “self-made billionaire”, followed by intense debate regarding how much of Kylie’s wealth is self-made, and how much is implants.

Women alleging sexual assault at properties promoted by Trip Advisor claim that, when they complained, Trip Advisor told them to mention the sexual assault in “negative reviews”. Most of the women were angered by the advice, though some complied with reviews like “Almost Died, But Soft, Plentiful Towels”.

Oscar winner Rami Malek is rumored to be the villain in the 25th James Bond film. Few details are available, although the villain is said to speak in an emotionless monotone that bores people to death.

Fitbit introduced new, less-expensive wearable fitness trackers, as part of its ongoing effort to be more cost-competitive with cheeseburgers.

Team Brad Rutter won the $1 million grand prize in Jeopardy’s All-Star Team Challenge, as America welcomes the return of traditional Jeopardy!, where you can make fun of contestants who you think might actually be dumber than you.

Family Dollar plans to close 400 stores. Sales failed to meet forecasts due to a declining trend in depressing children’s birthday parties in the Deep South.